X

Christian Living

Family

Marriage 911 06/12/12

Be Slow to Criticize


When our feathers are ruffled and we’re on edge, finding the capacity to share critical information softly and slowly can be a huge challenge. Such was the case with a couple who came to The Marriage Recovery Center recently.

Debra and Chal arrived under a cloud of tension. I could sense their discomfort with one another as they unloaded their luggage from their car. Chal seemed restless and irritable as he grabbed Debra’s bags. She stepped back, allowing him to carry their luggage to the cottage.

After escorting them to the cottage, I informed them I would be over in a few minutes.

“Did you see what happened out there?” Chal said abruptly after we were all seated. “It’s what happens every time we go somewhere. She expects me to have the directions, know how to get there and even unload the luggage. I’m glad you get to see how we function.”

Chal was a large man, forty-six years old, with a black and gray goatee, glasses and balding hair. Debra was a thin woman, also forty-six, with long, blonde hair. She was quiet and sullen as she let Chal complain, watching him as if waiting for a chance to share her feelings.

“What’s the matter with you, Debra?” Chal continued, glaring at her. “It’s the truth. We always fight when we’re in the car.”

“We don’t always fight in the car, Chal, and I resent you implying it’s my fault.” 

“Hold on, folks,” I said calmly. “Can we ease our way into this issue rather than start out with a bang?”

“He always starts with a bang,” Debra said, appearing sad and discouraged. “He doesn’t know how to speak softly and caringly. That’s half the reason we’re here.”

“I don’t know about that,” Chal stated bluntly, “but fact is fact.”

Watching and listening to Chal and Debra for even a few minutes revealed so much about their marriage. They would go on to explain how they have been married for only six years, a second marriage for both, with those years being tumultuous. Both had come into the marriage with poor problem-solving skills, limited boundaries and certainly no ability to do what has been called the slow and soft start to criticism.

As we began our work together, I suggested that there could be preferable ways to share difficult information. I asked about the impact of the way they had been sharing challenging information. They shared that they had been distant and detached for years, hoping this experience at The Marriage Recovery Center would bring them back together, where they wanted to be.

Why is it so important to have a slow start when talking about issues that contain voltage? Let’s explore some of the reasons for this important tool.

1. We need to be prepared to listen fully when our mate shares critical information.

While we may pride ourselves in sharing ‘facts’ and believe ‘shooting from the hip’ is a virtue, it is often off-putting. We reel from information that is viewed and experienced as an attack. A slow start helps us fully attend to the speaker.

2. A slow and easy start helps us maintained lowered defenses.

Information viewed or experienced as criticism or an accusation causes us to retreat or become defensive. No one wants to be accused of something harsh or critical. A slow start helps us consider the truth in what the other person is saying. Scripture tells us to be slow to anger.

“But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger.” (James 1:19)

3. A slow and easy start reminds us that the other person is with us, cares for us and wants the best for us.

If we view the person criticizing us as being ‘against us’, we will frame what they are saying as offensive. If we frame what they are saying as helpful, we can attend to it and embrace them and their message.

4. A slow and easy start helps us to listen and respond thoughtfully.

Rather than being the first volley in a fight, a slow, reasoned comment is the beginning of a healthy conversation.

5. A slow and easy start proclaims respect.

It shouts, ‘I have information for you to consider that will help our relationship.’ It announces, ‘I care about you and share this for your own good.’ This respect begets respect in return.

Debra and Chal learned what many couples have discovered—the issues they struggled with was not the real issue. The real issue was the way they talked about their issues. Practicing the slow, easy start helped them talk about issues in a much more controlled and reasonable way, allowing them to process and resolve problems.  

Reflect on how you talk about issues. Are you self-controlled in expressing your anger, starting an issue slowly and easily?


Share your feedback or send a confidential note to me at therelationshipdoctor@gmail.com and read more about The Marriage Recovery Center on my website www.marriagerecoverycenter.com and yourrelationshipdoctor.com. You’ll find videos and podcasts on saving a troubled marriage, codependency and affair-proofing your marriage.

About This Blogger

Latest Blog Entries

Give Now