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Marriage 911 03/25/14

The Healing Power of Friendship

Life is difficult. So begins Scott Peck’s best-selling book, The Road Less Traveled. We resonate with these words as we find life often to be difficult.

 

Peck was not the first person to echo those words, of course, as the Apostle James also told us there would be trials in this life and that we must embrace them and grow from them. (James 1:2)

 

Sadly, many facing hardships and trials of every kind do something very destructive to their healing—isolate. At a time when we most need the comfort we can only find from dear friends, we tend to isolate, pushing our friends away. We do so for myriad reasons, but the end is always the same—a profound sense of being alone as we go through struggles.

 

Consider Jennifer, a woman who just found out her husband has been having an affair. She came to The Marriage Recovery Center recently in an effort to spend time in reflection, rest and to restore her sense of well-being. She sought counsel in trying to understand why this could happen to her, where God was in it and how she could recover.

 

In talking to Jennifer, one of the first and most glaring issues facing her was her sense of being alone. Actually, this wasn’t simply ‘a sense of being alone,’ as she was, in fact, alone. However, her isolation, while understandable, was of her own making.

 

“I don’t want to burden others with my problems,” she said.

 

When questioned about this attitude, she revealed further arguments she made for keeping this horrendous grief to herself.

 

“I feel like a fool for this happening to me,” she said. “I think I should have been able to prevent it, and don’t know how to face my friends.”

 

“You’re not a fool,” I offered. “You did not cause your husband to have an affair. He made that foolish choice.”

 

“But, I should have seen it coming,” she continued. “Now that I look back, I knew something was wrong.”

 

“Perhaps,” I shared. “But, again Jennifer, it is critical that you not take this responsibility onto yourself. Furthermore, you will need friends and wise counsel to make it through this.”

 

“That’s easier said than done,” she said.

 

“One of the ways not to do it is to get support,” I suggested.

 

Jennifer let out a big sigh.

 

“It’s so embarrassing,” she said. “I know I shouldn’t, but I feel ashamed. That causes me to push away from my friends. I feel incapacitated.”

 

“Yes,” I said. “I want to urge you to reach out to friends. I might also suggest reaching out to some people who have come through these kinds of trials, have made it to the other side, and are willing to share their story.”

 

I continued to urge Jennifer to find support, to resist the temptation to withdraw and isolate, though this was very difficult for her and for many going through marriage crises. I offered the following counsel: 

         

First, seek support.

 

We all need to know we are not alone in our struggles. Ideally, we find others who are going through or have gone through similar trials. They offer us care and comfort as we navigate the challenging path of healing. We need to hear how others have coped with similar struggles.

         

Second, set aside pride in asking for help.

 

We often isolate because of a false sense of pride. We fear others will look down on us for the struggles we have, when in fact many have been through the exact thing we have or something similar. In supporting you, they will often become transparent and reveal more of themselves to you.

 

Third, ask for what you need. 

 

During a crisis, we often need very basic things from others: a listening ear, a word of encouragement, a shoulder to cry on, a shared meal. We need someone to help us regain perspective at a time when our world is falling apart. We must ask for exactly what we need and then allow others to give us what they can.

 

Fourth, friends are often ready to help.

 

A crisis will reveal who your true friends are, but you must give them a chance. Don’t count them out. Reach out to them and tell them what you need. Allow them the opportunity to be a friend to you. They know there will come a time when they will need you as well.

 

Finally, find a faith-full friend.

 

Be careful in whom you seek support from. You don’t need someone who will give poor counsel, but rather someone that knows God’s Word and truths that will encourage you and help you through this crisis. Your faith can be the greatest thing that pulls you through this and even more so if shared with a faith-full friend.

 

We have had an incredible response to our free offer of my eBook, A Love Life of Your Dreams, found on our website. This is an interactive eBook for you and your mate to work through together. Please also read more about The Marriage Recovery Center on our websites: www.marriagerecoverycenter.com and www.yourrelationshipdoctor.com. You’ll find videos and podcasts on sexual addiction, emotionally destructive marriages, codependency and affair-proofing your marriage.

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