The Fine Art of Negotiation

Almost everything in life is about looking at the “big picture” and considering all possibilities.

The majority of my professional life involves helping couples and families negotiate with one another. Locked in power struggles, they come into my office striving to get what they want. What they don’t see is that they are locked in a power struggle, each determined to get their way. I watch as their worlds get smaller and smaller, with possibilities lessening by the moment.

Think about it:

When we’re locked on one outcome—the way we want things done—we attempt to coerce others into doing things our way. They feel controlled, manipulated and angry. In most circumstances, they’ll fight back with words, direct actions, or in some cases, through passive-aggressive means. In any case, if you win, you lose.

The holidays are rife with these kinds of power struggles. Absent is open-minded, win-win thinking. Subsequently, factions are formed, bitterness ensues, and we walk away from yet another holiday embittered.

But, this doesn’t have to be the case. We can think “larger” than that. We can examine the situation for possibilities—where I listen to you, you listen to me, and we explore ways we can all feel empowered. Yes, this kind of place exists. Here’s how one blogger stated it:

I told my sister that I would like to have Christmas dinner in my home, which we just bought this year. Since that, she has told me twice that she would like to have it at her home (as she does nearly every year), and I gently reminded her that I would still like to have it in my new home. I felt like confronting her and saying that I don't like how she gets angry with her guests (my main reason for wanting to host the dinner), but I am glad that I didn't because she has finally relented, and our Christmas (and relationship) will be much more peaceful this way.

There are several important lessons for us in this note.

One, you didn’t get into a power struggle with your sister. You didn’t resort to criticizing her, which surely would have led to a nasty confrontation. Certainly you could see that engaging in this kind of struggle would have led to a downward spiral, ending in very unhappy feelings.

Two, you stayed on the topic—that you really wanted Christmas in your new home. You remained calm—which is huge!!!—and reiterated your desire. Heated emotions rarely bring about a positive outcome.

Third, you’re anticipating a peaceful Christmas. You have good feelings, presumably not because you “won,” but because you asked for what you wanted in a clear, calm way. You didn’t resort to negativity and criticism. You kept the conversation positive.

I’d like to add a few more things to consider. Hopefully your sister didn’t feel defeated or overpowered. You might want to check this out with her, reassuring her that was not your intent. You might also ask for assistance involvement in helping you create a wonderful first Christmas in your new home.

I cannot emphasize enough the importance of upward, positive agreements, as opposed to downward spirals that end in bitterness. We are to be loving and peaceful people, and we can do this while also making our desires known. We can also focus on the bigger picture, searching for agreements that lead to everyone feeling encouraged. It is very possible!

Please write and share how you’ve successfully avoided power struggles, and agreements you’ve made during these holidays which empower you and others.