Who Needs to Set the Boundaries?

Much has been said and written in recent years about the importance of boundaries. In my opinion, we still have a long ways to go to understand what is my business and what is not. We have a long ways to go to master the art of healthy control—the ability to effectively manage my life while allowing you to effectively manage yours.

Many relationships get sticky when it comes to boundaries. Consider these possibilities:

• I want you to meet all of my needs, even though it is my responsibility to meet many of them.
• I want you to read my mind, to know what I want and then to respond accordingly.
• I want you to take care of my problems, when clearly I need to do so myself, with your love and support.
• I want you to act the way I want you to act, and if you don’t I’m tempted to become resentful and angry.
• I want you to always approve of me, my thoughts and my actions, and when you don’t, I’m tempted to become angry with you.

These are, of course, only a few of the sticky places couples struggle. The following email represents some of the struggles that can ensue when individuals haven’t mastered the issue of boundaries.

Dear Dr. David,

My husband and I have been married several years. I had never been married before and have no children. My husband has a grown daughter, married with children, and a teenage daughter who was still in high school at the time. My husband is a wonderful Christian and a very patient and honest man, and a very hard worker who provides for us well.

The thing I am having a big problem with is that he is so passive about taking care of  a lot of things that need taking care of around the house or concerning family conflicts. It takes months for him to get around doing the simplest repair. I can’t get him to see to it that his teenager cleans up after herself. His older daughter comes over here every day with her children. I have done a good job of welcoming them and going with the flow, but don’t I have a right to set some limits and boundaries in my own house without having to feel guilty or mean for doing so? My husband lets the hectic pace roll off his back.

He does not want to take responsibility for standing up for me and telling his daughter that she needs to limit her visits somewhat so that I can get MY work done around the house without distraction He keeps telling me to let him know if his teenager needs to clean up her bathroom, dishes, etc so HE can take care of it so I don’t have to fret over it. Which is great except he doesn’t follow through on it the majority of the time.

How can I get my husband to be the authority in the house he is supposed to be without crying, nagging, exploding, criticizing, etc? I have tried discussing this issue or asking him to take care of things nicely, and that does not seem to work either. I feel like I am having to bear the burden of a lot of things he should be helping with.

Please advise me on how to handle this and what you think I may be doing wrong. He insists I am a good wife. If I am why can’t I get him to help meet my needs more?

This letter is an excellent example of poor boundaries. Let’s tease apart the email and examine places where healthier boundaries could ease this woman’s tensions.

First, whether his children are independent adults or teenagers, they must decide how they will work together in co-parenting. This sounds like a topic that hasn’t been thoroughly discussed. They need to make plans on how to deal with these issues together. 

Second, it shouldn’t take months of nagging, criticizing or exploding for agreements to be kept. In fact, there should never be a time when this woman explodes or nags. These qualities have never worked and only serve to increase resentment and bitterness in a relationship. She needs to give them up. 

Third, she needs to discuss these issues in a calm, clear and concise manner. Again, no one responds effectively to criticism. Sit down with him and negotiate agreements, which he owns, that include consequences. For example, if he agrees to fix the toilet by Saturday afternoon, and “forgets” to do so, that she has the right to call a repairman. Never, never nag to get what you need.

Fourth, when it comes to family conflicts, again she needs to sit down with her husband and agree to boundaries for both the teenage and adult daughter. When it comes to the teenage daughter, both must follow through with consequences.

She must make sure he is in agreement with the guidelines and then be held accountable for following through. Were he to fail to follow through, he would need consequences. 

Finally, when it comes to the older daughter, this woman must establish boundaries that feel right to her. The daughter cannot read her mind and her husband isn’t responsible for enforcing the boundaries. Playing the victim will not serve her well, and enforcing boundaries establishes respect.

How would you counsel this woman and her passive husband? What would you advise regarding her feeling taken advantage of by her step-daughter? Do you think it is her husband’s place to protect her and set boundaries on his oldest daughter? Please weigh in with your opinion.