Change Starts With You

It is always tempting to blame others for our distress. We can clearly see what we think others are doing to us, but have a much more difficult time seeing our role in the problem.

I receive dozens of emails every day from people complaining about their circumstances. People from every walk of life, with every problem imaginable. People suffering from marital infidelity, drug and alcohol abuse, gambling and sexual addiction, as well as emotional abuse in marriage.

What are you doing to actively change your problems? While it is good to pray about your problems, and to trust in God, it is also critical to apply the wisdom God offers to our situation.

Solomon says, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight…..Preserve sound judgment and discernment, do not let them out of your sight; they will be life to you.” (Proverbs 3: 5-6; 21)

This is powerful counsel. The Lord promises to give us wisdom and understanding in regards to our life direction. But, we must take action. Complaining about your situation will not help matters. Rehearsing all the wrongs that have been done to you only breeds resentment and acrimony. Seeing yourself as the helpless victim is not what God wants for you.

Taking responsibility for your part in troubling matters is empowering, however, is also very challenging. It is far easier to settle into playing the role of helpless victim. It takes tremendous courage to note how you enable a destructive process, and then using God’s wisdom, make changes

Notice the helplessness involved in the following email, and then consider what this person might do to actively change their circumstances.

Dear Dr. David. I am in a troubled marriage and don't want to throw in the towel and call it quits. We have been married for three years, with this being my second marriage and her fourth. Many people I know have told me to be done with her and divorce her. I was previously married for twenty-five years and left my wife for this woman. She has five children of her own. We have no children together. Since we have been married, she has had me locked-up in jail three times, on false charges. She has also ruined my credit, by opening accounts under my name. We still love each other and talk about fixing the wrongs that have occurred.

I feel as though, the enemy, (satan) is playing with both of our minds. Sometimes I suspect her of cheating, but she has denied it. She loves her children but sometimes it’s hard to tell. She herself came from an abusive household when she was younger.  We are presently separated. I want to go back to her but I fear that maybe it will be the same as it was before. She is very independent and dominating. We have talked with our Pastor and he says that we are miserable without each other. She has lied to me several times and sometimes I don't know when she is telling me the truth.

Currently she is living in a home that I do not approve of. We owned a home but it went into foreclosure when she began to get sick and do illegal drugs. She denies having a drug problem and blames it on menopause and other physical problems. What can I do since I still love her? I have prayed/fasted and continue to pray. Thank you for taking the time to prayerfully answer my request and may God bless you.

Consider a few of his problems:

1. Multiple marriages
2. Unfaithfulness to first wife
3. Legal/ Criminal problems
4. Financial irresponsibility
5. Wife has history of abuse
6. Accuses wife of domination
7. Accuses wife of deception
8. Wife has history of drug abuse

Unfortunately, I don’t notice any taking of responsibility for problems in this email. While this man is clearly in distress, and is suffering under a mountain of problems, I don’t see where he is getting out his shovel to unbury himself.

We cannot simply pray for wisdom and then not take action. God expects us to face our problems, learn from them and deal with them. When we attempt to dodge our problems, blaming them on others (including Satan,) we don’t learn important lessons. In fact, blame allows us to remain the same and simply repeat problems.

Doing the same thing and expecting different results is one definition of insanity. In my book, Dealing With the CrazyMakers in Your Life, I discuss how blaming others for our problems is a primary way of avoiding responsibility for our own lives. This pattern of action, or inaction, must change for any health in their marriage.

The Apostle Paul advises us to “put to death whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry.” (Colossians 3: 5) We are to be changed inwardly, becoming Christ-like in all ways. This inner transformation changes how we face problems and how we interact with others.

Rather than complain about external problems, our first course of action must be to make sure we have the right heart attitude. When our lives become chaotic, we must seek wisdom regarding how those problems entered our lives. Are we living a Godly life? Are we seeking, and applying the wisdom we receive? Rather than focusing on what others are doing, are we first inspecting our lives? When we realize that change begins with us, our external begins to change. God changes how we relate to others, to money, to laws. Our lives become more orderly and peaceful.

Is your life ever chaotic? If so, did you find it tempting to blame your problems on others? How were you able to shift to taking responsibility for the problems in your life? We’d love to hear from you.