Divorce and Dating

Dear Dr. David, I met this guy who is separated from his wife and he filed for divorce. Should I date him while he is waiting for his divorce, or just leave him alone? I don't know how to go about this. He loves the Lord but is not as committed as I am. I work for my church and love being in the ministry. He says he loves me, but I don't know. - Confused in Love

Dear Confused,

Thank you for writing. Your concern is understandable given the many issues contained in your short note. Let’s consider them one by one. 

First, your boyfriend is not yet divorced from his wife. Why should this matter? Because, there is still a chance he could be reconciled to his wife, and your involvement with him muddies the waters. His central concern needs to be considering whether or not his marriage can be saved, and if so, what he can do to bring about that restoration. 

Second, assuming his marriage cannot be saved, he must do his griefwork. Since he is not yet divorced, I’m assuming he has not fully grieved the loss of his marriage. Most people need at least a year after their divorce before they can start thinking about a new relationship—some longer. As part of his grieving he needs to understand his part in the marriage failure, and make efforts to strengthen those weaknesses. 

Third, there is the issue of the dreaded rebound relationship. Staying involved with this man makes you the rebound relationship, most of which are destined for failure. It is not that “rebound relationships” are not loving, and wonderful in their own way, but they rarely work, given the timing of them. Folks involved in rebound relationships shortly after the demise of a marriage often have very volatile emotions they bring into the new relationship. With confused thoughts and feelings, the new relationship begins on a very shaky foundation. 

Finally, you’re not certain about how he feels about you. In addition to concerns already mentioned, you’re uncertain about his caring for you. This creates an even rockier footing for your relationship.

While I hate to throw cold water on a budding romance, I strongly encourage you to listen to your heart. You have doubts, leading to you writing your note. Read your note again and consider the concerns you’ve mentioned. Make some tough decisions now, leading to less heartache in the future.