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Christian Living

Family Matters 11/03/11

Six Signs of a Failing Relationship


This week, the big celebrity news was the announcement that reality TV star Kim Kardashian was ending her 72-day marriage. Ten million dollars was the bill for her wedding and her bridal registry was a whopping $172, 000! According to Celebrity Buzz, Kim plans to donate all the money from the gifts to the Dream Foundation.

I read Kardashian’s statement as to why the marriage didn’t work out. She said she is a hopeless romantic and married for love. So what happened to that love? She mentioned that she wants a family and babies. Is this not something you would discuss before you marry? After reading her comments, I still had no idea why she felt she needed to divorce at this time.

So, either there is a story here that we don’t know or this young woman, like many others divorcing right now, has a skewed idea of what marriage is supposed to be like. Whatever the case, the message is that marriage is not worth fighting for and is disposable.

Too bad the couple didn’t schedule an appointment with martial researcher and therapist John Gottman. Based on his research, Gottman can predict which couples will eventually divorce with 91 percent accuracy early in the marriage. Here are the six signs he’s pinpointed:

1) The way a discussion begins predicts how it ends 96 percent of the time. If one partner uses a harsh start-up (negative, accusatory, etc.), the marriage has a chance of failing.

2) Negative interactions containing criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling lead to divorce.

3) Being overwhelmed by the negativity of one person causes the other to become flooded by intense feelings of negativity and then to emotionally disengage.

4) The physical body becomes overwhelmed and the person can’t maintain the discussion. Thus, they opt out physically and emotionally.

5) The partner’s attempts to repair conflict fail.

6) The past is recalled with a negative view.

If your relationship is failing, don’t opt out. Take these signs seriously and get help. We know how to repair marital difficulties. Most couples divorce over fixable problems. Besides, God wants us to honor the covenant of marriage.

Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking,
it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails. I Corinthians 13:4-7


Dr. Linda Mintle is the author of I Married You, Not Your Family, a book aimed at preventing divorce and helping couples stay together. Check out her website at www.drlindahelps.com.

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