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Family Matters 09/29/16

When Type A Parents Have Type B Kids!

Father and son hugging

Reader Question: My husband is definitely a Type A (driven, structured) personality. Both of our children are more like me, Type B (relaxed, easy going). At times, this combination of personalities can be challenging. Do you have suggestions as to how to keep things calm, but moving forward in our household?

This question is really about how opposite temperaments work together. Often, working together takes intention because no two people are exactly alike in a family. So, Type A and Type B need to understand each other.

Type A parents usually want their children to achieve and respond quickly to directions and consequences. While Type B kids are more creative, laid back, and tend to drag their heels on getting things done. Neither style is better than the other, but parents need to find ways to work with kids with opposite temperaments. The temptation is to expect children to be just like you.

Take chores, for example. One way to accommodate both styles is to make chores more of a game. Instead of ordering a child to empty the dishwasher (something you want done and would prefer to simply give the direction), set a timer and play beat the clock. This engages the Type B child because it is fun and creative. The important thing, according to Reginald Richardson of Northwestern University's Family Institute, is to balance high expectations with warmth and support.

Studies show that parents who are more authoritative in their parenting style have kids with fewer behavior problems, higher academic achievement, and less depression and anxiety. This is because those parents show warmth along with control. Eventually, many type B children grow up to see the value of setting goals and accomplishing them. This contrasts with parents who are authoritarian--those who show little nurturing or warmth, but are controlling and set high standards.

So, your husband's push for order and getting things done should be balanced with fun, encouragement, warmth, and support. The driven Type A parent has to be careful to show compassion along the way and understand that success can look different for each child. The danger with pushing too hard is that kids begin to feel they aren't accepted for who they are and learn to conform to your dreams, not theirs. The best thing is to understand your child's temperament and help him/her reach his/her potential and passion, using a balance of pushing and accepting that incorporates warmth and nurturing.

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