Singles Groups, Schmingles Groups

From Lee:

Last week, Julie gave us some thought-provoking challenges regarding overcoming loneliness. As many of you have already commented, her loving challenges to be more proactive in the body of Christ hit home. I pray that you’ll view my thoughts about the topic in the same fashion.

Over the years, I’ve been involved in several singles groups at the various different churches I have attended. As a new Christian, I was involved in a huge singles group at a mega-church. The last I heard, the group had 350 singles attending Wednesday night activities. A few years later, I was at another large church and the singles group had between 50-100 active members. We met on Friday nights to hear from our singles pastor and to fellowship. Then, about 10 years ago, I became a member at a small church with just a few more than 100 total members.

Talk about culture shock!

This church didn’t have a singles program. In fact, it didn’t have any programs in the way we think about programs in the modern church. Throughout the years, only a few singles anywhere close to my age have joined our congregation, and by a few, I mean less than ten. I’m still at that church and I’ve learned so much about how a single person finds his or her way into the body life of a congregation.

The singles groups I was active in had a number of problems. Women felt uncomfortable because too many men were on the prowl, rather than being focused on growing spiritually. The groups became clickish and left many people feeling left out. And, in my opinion, the groups were so entertainment focused (game nights, movie nights, skating nights, etc.) that they failed to make a lasting impact. Certainly ministry occurred, but it never seemed to be the primary point of having a singles group. And as a result, both of the large singles groups I was involved in have since crumbled and largely disbanded.

I was already gone by the time they disbanded—not because of the problems with the groups, but simply because my theology was evolving and I was seeking a church that would be the best theological fit for me. As I mentioned, I ended up in a small church with only a handful of singles in attendance. Understand that I am extremely introverted by nature, so this was a difficult transition for me at first. But right away, people from the congregation began inviting me to their home for lunch and various other activities and I often accepted their invitations—almost all of which came from married couples.

We always had a great time, but more importantly, it helped me to find my place in the body of Christ. I got to know families I would have never known if I had been deeply involved in a singles group. I got to see husbands serving their wives, and wives honoring their husbands. I got to see children playing and praying. I got to see how families in my congregation live out their faith in their home—from the way they prayed over meals to the way they structured their family time. And, in turn, I was able to offer married couples insight into singles. One couple asked me all sorts of questions about what they should ask singles and what they shouldn’t ask, and by doing so, they showed me how sensitive they were to singles.

Good, solid relationships resulted and they continue to grow. Something else happened too. I realized that the church isn’t a building or a meeting place. It’s people. And while I was happy to be so readily accepted into the lives of the people in my congregation, it didn’t happen as a result of a church program, but rather because the mindset of the congregation knew that loving God meant loving others. They didn’t wait for church leadership to come up with a program to meet the needs of single people; they simply met the needs themselves.

Here on the Single Purpose blog, we’ve been having a discussion about how lonely some singles feel because their church either isn’t sure what to do with singles or because their church seems to be primarily focused on families. I’d like to encourage you to stop blaming the church as an institution for failing to reach out to singles and instead begin thinking about the church as you, and the new couple you sit next to this Sunday, and the widow(er) who sits in the last pew with a stone face and a broken heart. Stop asking the church institution to meet your needs and begin to be the church to people in need.

I think you’ll be surprised by the result.