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Christian Living

singlepurpose 09/17/09

Is Everybody Doing It?

One of the clever lies you are going to hear on your journey to abstinence and purity (for some singles this is more of a journey) is the lie of universalism—everybody is doing it! What’s wrong with you? Why are you so guilt ridden and uptight? You will never meet someone with those high of standards so give it up. Besides, don’t you think you should “try before you buy?”

 

These are the some of lies I heard and maybe you have also heard from many places—TV, movies, friends, your Christian date, and sometimes even ministry leaders in your church (when they are off stage). But is it true?

 

While it is true that most people are doing it in both the world and the church dating circles, the good news is that “most people” are still not “all people.” I have met many admirable singles, both men and women, who avowed to stay pure until marriage, and they were successful. How did they do it (or rather, not do it)?

 

Keep it Friendly

Staying pure before marriage can be achieved at two levels of “friendly.” The first level is at the getting to know someone level. I always recommend not “dating” someone in the traditional sense of getting emotionally and physically involved until you have spent significant time with that person in a friendly environment to find out if they are even dating/marriage material. This practice will weed out non-potentials immediately because they will think you are an alien not to want to rush right into romance (read: sex and self-gratification) from the start.

 

The second level of friendly that worked wonders for my husband and me when we were still dating (after we both mutually agreed we were good candidates for marriage) is refraining from intimate contact and treating each other as a brother and sister in Christ. We determined from early on that kissing leads to sex for most warm-blooded singles, so we refrained from everything but hugging and holding hands until our wedding day. It was a purity magic pill!

 

Discern a Like-Heart

One of the best ways I know of to do this is to “hold your cards” in the beginning of a dating relationship. If you begin to date someone who declares that they are a strong or committed believer (which is hopefully the only kind of people you are dating and considering for marriage), DON’T share your convictions about sex with them upfront, but just wait and see how they conduct themselves early in the relationship. If they try to take it past “friendly,” tell them you are not comfortable with that and that you would like to develop a friendship first. If they pass that test, wait and see how they conduct their physical affection behavior. If they are truly committed to Christ—as they claim—they will not dare try to take advantage of you sexually, or even push the limits. This will tell you a lot in a short amount of time if you keep quiet and watch their behavior.

 

Why keep quiet and hold your cards? Because many Christians are good at talking a good talk but not walking a good walk. Women are unusually susceptible to believing what men say, regardless of what they actually do or how they conduct themselves. If we don’t give them the opportunity to tell us what we want to hear and risk falling for it, we’ll be able to use the “eyes of our heart” more to see hypocrisy and red flags by watching.

 

Monitoring Motivation

There is no motivation in the world that will be as effective in keeping one pure than the motivation of faithful devotion to Christ first. Anyone who is intent on pleasing God and living in His promises and blessings is likely going to do a good job at keep themselves pure before marriage, and this type of person will make an excellent life partner! Make sure your own motivation is about obeying your Lord and Savior out of love and desire to maintain your relationship with Him, and you will be more able to be strong. If your “Christian” date is not sold out to purity, you can bet they do not have the motivation of being faithful to Christ. Instead, they have the motivation of living for their own sinful pleasures, and they are willing to take your purity to gratify themselves.

 

Don’t buy into the lie that you are the “only one” who has decided to save yourself for marriage, no matter how many dates try to tell you otherwise. There are plenty of people who have and are saving themselves for marriage in our world today. My husband was a 32-year-old virgin and, though I had been married, we kept our relationship absolutely pure before marriage. But it takes two—two individuals set in the will of Christ. And as always, be sure that you are the kind of person you are looking for, and that you are not pushing limits or trying to entice your dating partner into giving you the wrong kind of attention, whether through flirtatious behavior or the way you dress.

 

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