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Marriage 911 06/18/12

Help Me Help You!


A relationship in trouble has been likened to two people gasping for oxygen while each is stepping on the other’s air hose. Both are desperate for air, both are dying, yet each, often unknowingly, is standing on the very source of life the other needs.

How can this be? Why would someone dying for air stand squarely on the other’s air hose? This doesn’t occur intentionally, of course. It occurs because ‘hurting people hurt people.’ Hurting people don’t act rationally, hence the need for professional help or significant intervention.

Danielle sat motionless on the couch, crying after being insulted by her husband, Jack. Danielle and Jack have been married for seven years, after dating in high school and enjoying the early years of their marriage. With two children and professional careers, they were off to a fantastic start. They were active in their church and community. Then trouble hit, in a big way.

Danielle caught Jack in an adulterous affair.

“I never would have thought he was capable of doing something like this,” Danielle said during their recent Marriage Intensive. She looked over at Jack tearfully. “He has always been so dependable, so stable. And now this.”

Jack stared at Danielle, stiff, seemingly insensitive.

“What would you like to say to her?” I asked Jack.

“I’m not sure what to say,” he said. “I feel terrible. But, there’s no way of convincing her of that.”

“Why do you say that?” I asked.

“Well, look at her,” he replied. “I’ve said I’m sorry a thousand times, and nothing much seems to help. That’s largely why we’re here.”  

“But, I’m never sure you’re really sorry,” Danielle said pleadingly. “You say you’re sorry, but you don’t reassure me that I’m safe. You don’t change your life to make sure it will never happen again. You don’t let me into your heart and life so I feel really connected to you.”

Jack shrugged.

“See what I mean?” he said, looking at me. “I’ve tried to say I’m sorry, but it’s like we’re speaking different languages. She criticizes everything I try to do to help. I’m hurting too you know.”

Danielle let out an audible gasp.

“You’re hurting too?” she said. “Give me a break. I’m the victim here.”

“You actually may be speaking different languages,” I said. “We need to help you both get on the same page, speaking the same language. You actually both need tender compassion from each other.”

Jack and Danielle have been through a trauma in their marriage. As with so many situations like this, there was brokenness before the affair that had to be considered. There were layers to their problems. My task was to help them help each other to bring healing to their marriage. I had to help them recognize where and how they were stepping on each other’s air hose.

Here are some of the things to consider when you’ve experienced significant breakdowns in your marriage.

1. We must recognize the complexity of marriage problems.

Most marriage problems have layers to them. While it may appear that there is one ‘good guy’ and one ‘bad guy,’ that is rarely the case. Each partner is contributing to the problem in some way. Have you stepped back and taken ownership of your part in the problem?

2. Our mate needs our help to heal.

While we may be focused on what we need, and perhaps even insist that our mate help us to heal, they also need help from us. If we can think of our mate as needing love and attention from us, as much as we need love and attention from them, we can help them help us.

3. Giving to our mate creates an open line for them to give back to us.

It’s called mutuality, and Scripture tells us that this is a critical component in relationships. “Be devoted to one another with mutual affection” (Romans 12:10). The Apostle Paul seems to be saying that we owe our mate respect and affection, even in the midst of challenging circumstances.

4. Teach your mate how they can best care for you.

Don’t assume that your mate knows how best to care for you. Talk about it. Share in a non-demanding way, how you best want to be helped. Teach you mate about exactly how you have been hurt, and how you would like help in being healed. 

5. Pray with each other.

As you see your mate as needing love and affection, wounded and vulnerable, you will open the oxygen lines and create an atmosphere of healing. God will give you strength to set healthy boundaries while also loving them.

Jack had wounded Danielle and needed to ‘lean in’ and work at helping her heal. However, they had years of wounds that led up to his unfaithfulness that also needed to be talked about. Together they determined to ‘help me help you’ to heal.   

Consider where and how you have been wounded in your marriage. Does your mate know about your wounds? Do you know where your mate has been wounded? Determine to help each other heal.


Share your feedback or send a confidential note to me at therelationshipdoctor@gmail.com and read more about The Marriage Recovery Center on my website www.marriagerecoverycenter.com and yourrelationshipdoctor.com. You’ll find videos and podcasts on saving a troubled marriage, codependency and affair-proofing your marriage.

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