Blended Families, Kids and the Holidays

Tis’ the season for celebrations, and family gatherings. Tis’ the season for the idealized images of family found on Hallmark cards. If not careful, we compare ourselves to pictures of Mom, Dad, sister and brother-in-law, along with brother and sister-in-law, complete with dog Fido, standing next to the fire. However, families usually are, and always have been, messier than that. 

Most of us will gather more as a hodge podge of people; blended families, single parents, perhaps even a rogue family member we haven’t heard from in a few years.
 
We will take our children into this conglomeration of people, and we will help them navigate the imperfections of family.

One mother wrote the following note to me, reminding me of ways we can help our children cope with imperfect families and the holidays. 

Dear Dr. David.
It’s the holidays and I’d love to move on with my life. I cannot fully do that because my ex is coming to town to visit our eight year old son.  I have been the supervisor for my ex's visits and have found it very frustrating in many ways. I found that supervising the visits has been a good way for me to see how my ex was handling certain things, and try to "help" him with his parenting.  I'm sure he wasn't thrilled having my comments too often, so I "chose my battles", spoke to him when my son wasn't around, and kept it very clean and civil.  I know that's very hard when you've gone through a divorce, but I feel the Lord blessed the efforts.  

 My ex has not visited often, but will be visiting again this holiday season. My ex has been inconsistent with his visits, and phone calls, and I haven’t always been sure how to handle it. I always asked my son if he wanted to talk to his dad, which he did, when he called. As he gets older, I give him more choices about how much time he wants to spend with his dad, which my son seems to appreciate.

I haven’t been sure about how to prepare my son for the times when he won’t follow through with visits. He has missed promised visits, disappointing our son. I was told to encourage our son to make a special place for things he has made for his father, or thoughts he wants to share with him, and tuck them safely away for when he will see his dad again.

It was suggested to me that, if you encourage the child to "pursue" the parent who is gone, it opens up a lot of room for hurt feelings and resentment, and self-blame if that parent doesn't respond.  So, now  my son has a place to put those things he wishes to give to his dad, and he is able to go on with his life, not waiting for a response.  It has worked so far.   

This letter raises many questions, and may elicit feelings from some of you who have been divorced or come from a broken family. This mother, and son, are experiencing what many other families will experience this holiday season—a visitor from their past. Not only a visitor from their past, but one which you may have mixed (or not so mixed!) feelings about.

What impresses me about this mother is her desire to assist her son in having a relationship with his father, in spite of her frustration with his obvious irresponsibility.

My first reaction, and perhaps yours, is to insist on firm boundaries with the father, allowing him visits with her son only if he is responsible enough to warrant visits. But, this will likely only impede a fragile relationship with the father.
After consideration, I believe her approach may be wiser—since she will be supervising the visits. Consider what she is doing:

--offering supervised visitation when her ex arrives in town;
--offering parenting guidance on a limited basis, as tolerated by her ex;
--helping her son cope with the uncertainty of his calls/ visits by having a special place to keep his thoughts/ treasures with his father;
--not setting her son up with unreasonable expectations about his father;
--allowing her son to make increasing choices about his contact with his father;
--not contaminating her son with bad feelings about his father.

I’d like to hear from you. Would you allow your child to visit with his father if he is not responsible with visits/ phone calls? Do you have a special approach in helping your child cope with the inevitable disappointments/ challenges that come with holiday visits? Share your thoughts with us.