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Christian Living

Spiritual Life

Overview

IN THIS CHAPTER, you will discover:

·    The biblical principles of communication.

·    The communication style used by each personality type.

·    The learning style suited to each personality type.

·    How to adjust your communication style to those around you.

AS A RESULT, you will be able to:

·    Communicate in a way that is pleasing to God.

·    Listen more effectively when others speak.

·    Teach and communicate more dynamically.

·    Resolve conflict and lessen misunderstanding within the family.

Biblical Principles of Communication

Key Scripture: "But I tell you that men will have to give account on the day of judgment for every careless word they have spoken" (Matt. 12:36).

Key Words: Active Listening, Nonverbal Communication

In Genesis 1:3 God spoke and creation occurred. The writers of the Bible were very aware of the power of the spoken word. In the story of the tower of Babel (Gen. 11:1-9), we read that "the whole world had one language and a common speech" (v.1). Because of this linguistic unity, God said, "Nothing they plan to do will be impossible for them" (v. 6). Since humanity was in rebellion against God, this situation was potentially explosive. So God intervened directly to confuse their language (v. 7) and to scatter them across the earth (v. 8).

Today we continue to exercise the capacity for creation and destruction through our speech. The power to communicate is perhaps the greatest gift (and burden) given to us by God: "The tongue has the power of life and death" (Prov. 18:21). On one hand, "The tongue that brings healing is a tree of life" (Prov. 15:4). On the other hand, "The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell" (James 3:6). James continues, "No man can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison" (v. 8). The tongue seems almost to be an autonomous power. It is an "overflow of his [man's] heart" that none can stem (Luke 6:45). Even the best of us are sources of both "praise and cursing" (James 3:10, see also v. 11-12), because the sin nature in our hearts (Jer. 17:9) inevitably finds expression in our speech.

Clearly we need to draw near to God and allow him to control our speech. Only by doing so can we replace the "earthly, unspiritual" wisdom that contaminates our communication with the "wisdom that comes from heaven" (James 3:15,17). As we season our communication with purity, peace, consideration, submissiveness, mercy, good fruit, impartiality, and sincerity, we become "peacemakers who sow in peace [and] raise a harvest of righteousness" (James 3:17-18).

Biblical Principles of Communication

Communication may be defined as the way people speak, listen, and learn from one another. The degree to which we effectively accomplish these three tasks depends on how highly developed our communication skills are and what our motive for communication is.

We are commanded to die to self so that we might bear fruit (John 12:24). In communicating, "dying to self" entails adjusting our communication style to others in order to build and maintain right relationships. We will deal with practical communication skills in more detail in the next lesson. In this lesson we will concentrate on having correct motives in communicating.

Our primary motive in communication should be to love God and man. This motivation echoes the two great commandments given by Jesus - to love God and to love our neighbor as ourselves (Matt. 22:37-40; cf. Lev. 19:18). Drs. Selig and Arroyo suggest these ethical guidelines in communicating:

Have a motive of love. Before communicating, check your motivational level by asking: Why am I speaking? For whom am I speaking? Am I trying to communicate information or just show off my own knowledge? Is what I am saying a subtle put-down? Am I disciplining out of love or anger? Am I pointing out faults to disciple or to belittle? Am I putting the importance of tasks above the importance of persons in my criticism? Am I taking out my frustrations on someone?

Be aware of God's will. Maintain an attitude of prayer to know what God would have you say. Ask yourself: Is my style of communication appropriate for the situation (example: Prophecy vs. Mercy)? Is the timing of my communication correct (Eccl. 3:1-8)?

Know God's Word. Fill your heart and mind with the Word of God to sensitize yourself to God's will (Ps. 119:11). As your mind is renewed (Eph. 4:23), your communication will reflect a more godly character.

Know yourself. Maintain a realistic awareness of your strengths and weaknesses, and of your present level of motivation. Honest self-appraisal is necessary if you are to adjust your style of communication to the needs of others.

Be a good listener. It is impossible to respond to someone appropriately if you are not sure what they have said.

Keys to Good Listening

  • Stay alert. Be present in mind as well as body. Make eye contact, smile, nod, and encourage the speaker. In doing so, you will not only help the speaker, but also keep your mind sharp and awake. Remember: true listening involves active listening,  not just passive reception (LOD, p. 71).
  • Active listening is a major step toward esteeming others more highly than ourselves. We should put our opinions and needs aside long enough to listen carefully to others (James 1:19-20).
  • Listen carefully to the speaker's rationale. As you listen, God will often give you insight about the situation under discussion or discernment about the heart of the speaker. The reasoning of children, though sometimes confusing, often reveals feelings and thoughts they cannot articulate directly.
  • Formulate questions in your mind as you listen (Prov. 18:13). Asking appropriate questions aids both in clarifying and persuading (particularly with strong personality types). It also keeps the discourse on an active, conceptual level rather than letting it fall to a reactive, emotional level.
  • Take note of the speaker's nonverbal communication. Sometimes, "looks explain words."
  • Show respect by blocking out internal and external distractions.

Making It Work:

  • Share the principles, techniques, and information contained in this lesson with your whole family. Discuss some positive and negative ways in which your family communicates. Explain how the practice of good listening skills helps to avoid confusion and misunderstanding. When conflicts arise, monitor the interactions, and encourage your children to use what they have learned. Have everyone agree to use biblical communication principles daily.
  • In a family Bible study, compare and discuss the source, effects, and characteristics of the "earthly wisdom" and the "wisdom that comes from heaven" described in James 3.

Sending and Listening Characteristics

Key Scripture: "He who has ears, let him hear" (Matt. 11:15).

Key Words: Sending Style, Listening Style

In the preceding lesson we learned several biblical principles that should serve as guidelines for our communication. In this lesson we will examine the sending and listening styles of each of the four personality types.

Busy offices sometimes display an amusing sign that reads: "I know you understand what you think I said, but what you don't know is that what you heard is not what I meant." Behind the humor of this saying lies the serious fact that we express ourselves in different-sometimes radically different - ways. The reasons for this vary from individual to individual. Still, many of the differences in our communication patterns can be understood in terms of the characteristics associated with the four personality types.

To illustrate: Rulers tend to be results-oriented in their communication. They want to know the bottom line. They pay attention in short spurts and then interrupt, focusing only on the essential facts. Designers, on the other hand, are process and principle-oriented. They want to know "how." They take time to listen, reflect before they speak, and then want to discuss every minute detail of a project.

Given their differing styles, it is easy to imagine the communication problems that could arise between a Ruler and a Designer. The Ruler could easily frustrate the Designer by not supplying enough information. Or the Designer might try the patience of the Ruler by asking endless questions that, to the Ruler, have no practical value.

The solution to this communication dilemma is for the Ruler to understand the Designer's need for information and patiently provide it to them. Also, the Designer should consider the Ruler's pragmatic nature and explain the practical need behind their questions.

Some of the communication problems created by our different sending and listening styles have specific solutions like the one just described. Others require a change in attitude. For example, Promoters are likely to feel that Designers are too concrete and linear in their thinking, while Designers may perceive Promoters as too vague and fanciful. Willingness to listen to and learn from one another is the key to overcoming this type of communication problem. God has ordained the differences in our gifts for a reason. If we are wise, we will draw strength and enrichment from these differences.

Ruler

Sending Style: Forceful, direct, straight to the point; efficient use of language; can be intimidating

General Content: Based on facts; aimed at results; concerned with the bottom line; expects approval; "me"-oriented

Nonverbals: Effective; calculated facial expression and body movements; maintains direct eye contact

Listening Style: Listens for key facts, words, statements; focuses on what gains results

Designer

Sending Style: Thoughtful, reserved; takes time to express thoughts logically and accurately; selective in word choice; thorough; analytical

General Content: Concepts; principles; theories; data

Nonverbals: Shows little emotion; rigid posture; verbal expression and body language unconnected; little eye contact

Listening Style: Listens for key facts, concepts, theories, principles; analytical and critical

Promoter

Sending Style: Enthusiastic; uses language artfully and effectively; persuasive; influential; motivating; encouraging; can be verbose

General Content: Creative goals, dreams, visions; unity and personal achievement, inspirational

Nonverbals: Maintains eye contact for purpose of rapport; animated and spontaneous use of body language

Listening Style: Listens for expressions of enthusiasm, commitment, and approval for their ideas

Server

Sending Style: Responsive; thoughtful; supportive, easygoing, relaxed; limited in tonal and dynamic range; conservative in expression

General Content: Deep feelings; concerned about practical and emotional needs of others; cares about relationships

Nonverbals: Relaxed but controlled posture and movements; avoids eye contact in conflict situations

Listening Style: Listens for matters affecting emotional and physical security; concerned about the happiness of others and changes in surroundings

Making It Work:

  • Discuss any specific communication problems that arise between family members. Consider how an understanding of personalities and communication styles might solve these problems. Can you come up with any strategies or insights that could improve family relations? Share these during a time of family discussion, and role-play if needed. Parents should take the lead in modeling proper communication techniques. Identify your communication weaknesses, cite any examples, and then suggest ways in which you can improve your performance. Encourage other family members to make similar constructive suggestions.Further Study: To learn about some of God's more unusual communication methods, see Genesis 9:13-17; Exodus 13:21-22; Numbers 22:21-35; Daniel 5:5-9; and Jonah 2:1-10; 4:5-11.

Learning Styles

Key Scripture: "To the Jews I became like a Jew, to win the Jews.... To the weak I became weak, to win the weak. I have become all things to all men so that by all possible means I might save some"(1 Cor. 9:20, 22).

Key Words: Learning Style

Because we are parents, we are also teachers. Each attempt to help or discipline our children is an opportunity to teach them. Important questions such as Who is God? What is truly valuable? How do I make decisions? How do I express love? What does it mean to be a friend? are best answered by loving parents.

As teachers, parents need to understand the learning styles of their children. Children's learning styles are closely related to their listening styles. Parents who understand the listening and learning styles of their children are better equipped to motivate and discipline them. They know what "frequency"their children are listening on, and can tune into that frequency so that their message comes through loud and clear. Also, teaching your children how to learn is one of the most valuable gifts you can give them. By teaching children about their natural learning styles, you can give them that gift.

Ruler

Rulers have an active learning style. They are interested in information that they can use to accomplish a goal. They ask, "How can I use this?"They want facts quickly and usually pay attention only in short spurts. They take in information rapidly and integrate it with an existing body of knowledge. Rulers are apt to interrupt or cut you off if you repeat yourself or become vague. They expect integrity, truthfulness, and excellence in their teachers. In teaching a Ruler, use brevity, practicality, and drama.

Designer

Designers like facts, concepts, and principles. They become deeply involved in the details and implications of the things they learn about. They need time to process information and to think things through to their satisfaction. They ask, "Does it make sense?" They are highly critical, accurate, logical, and curious. Designers should be taught using a step-by-step approach, logic, an appreciation for the love of understanding, and leading questions.

Promoter

Promoters also have an active learning style. They seek to use information creatively. They ask, "What if ...?" They enjoy experimentation. Information is more readily absorbed by a Promoter if presented with dashes of humor or pathos. They enjoy working and learning in groups, and thrive on social interaction and approval. In teaching a Promoter, use humor, real-life situations, social reinforcement, and the imagination.

Server

Servers are excellent listeners. They are reflective, and must ponder the social implications of a truth to determine how they feel about it. They ask, "What does it mean to me?" They avoid confrontation, and are reluctant to speak or act if they are unsure whether their efforts will meet with approval. Servers appreciate gentleness, patience, an emphasis on people and their needs, and a predictable teaching environment.

Making It Work:

Parents should study the information in Chapters 4 and 5 of the Study Guide, and discuss what learning strategies would be most appropriate for their children. Target a problem area or learning goal (such as completing homework assignments), and attempt to motivate your child in a way consistent with their personality type. Pay close attention to your tone of voice and the nonverbal signals you use.

Personalities, Motivational Levels, and Styles of Communication

Key Scripture: "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger" (Prov. 15:1).

Key Words: Defensiveness, Conflict Resolution

Throughout Chapter 5 we have been studying the communication styles associated with the four personality types. Familiarity with these communication styles allows us to adapt our sending and listening styles to match others. This does not mean that we need to become a communication "chameleon," however. Our authors offer the following guidelines concerning when to alter our natural communication style:

  • In normal circumstances, just be yourself. Communicate in a natural, spontaneous way.
  • If signs of tension or confrontation appear in the flow of conversation, modify your style to match that of the other party. This is especially necessary if the other party is operating at a lower motivational level.
  • When instructing children, you must adapt yourself to each child's motivational level.

It is important to remain aware of both the personality style and motivational level of those with whom we communicate. This is especially true when we communicate with children. In fact, Drs. Selig and Arroyo suggest that parents imitate the personality type whose sending style is best suited to the motivational level of their child.

Motivational Level 1

Children at Level 1 are "me"-centered and concerned primarily with either attaining self-gratification or protecting themselves from a perceived threat. They should be addressed with the style of the Ruler. Tell them exactly what must be done, and what the consequences of obedience and disobedience are (i.e., what the bottom line is). Be authoritative, stress the specific task at hand, and do not allow the roles of parent and child to become blurred.

Motivational Level 2

At Level 2, children seek the approval of others. Address them with the style of the Promoter. Be less authoritarian. Offer your children encouragement and approval. Expectations still need to be made clear, but focus on reinforcing efforts to obey by giving children praise and approval.

Motivational Level 3

Level 3 children seek respect, responsibility, and acceptance by the group. Address them with the style of the Designer. Again, expectations need to be made clear, but allow children to collaborate with you in "designing" the rules. Listen and respond to their input. Focus on the reasons and goals behind behavior expectations.

Motivational Level 4

At Level 4, children act in a way that is consistent with their highly developed conscience. They care deeply about what they can do for others. Address them with the style of the Server. Parents do not need to be very directive at this level. Your focus should be on listening, responding, and being supportive in your guidance and suggestions.

Motivational Levels and Personality Types

The communication techniques we have studied provide you with powerful tools that can be used to understand, motivate, and disciple those around you. Be sure that you use them according to the Biblical Principles of Communication given in Lesson 1 of this chapter. Our object in communicating should never be to manipulate or silence another person, or to win an argument. Love is the debt that every Christian owes to all, and love should direct all that we say and do (Rom. 13:8-9). Parents should understand that although they have authority over their children, they are also their children's servants. When both parents and children allow love to rule their behavior, true family unity will appear. Such unity will be both a blessing to them and a testimony to others of the reality of Christ (John 17:23).

Making It Work:

Dr. Arroyo suggests that family members openly discuss their communication problems. Problems that occur during regression to a lower motivational level can be "defused" in this way. If the individual involved can see that the fear causing the regression is unnecessary, such behavior can be more easily abandoned. Should a regression recur after its causes have been identified and discussed, it becomes easier to recognize and resolve.

The time to have such discussions is when the person concerned is at a high motivational level, not in the midst of conflict. Even then, care must be taken that the conversation does not become confrontational and create defensiveness in the listener. Is there a communication problem in your family that can be corrected by helping the child willingly modify his/her behavior?

A model for conflict resolution can be taken from Matthew 18:15-20. Teach these principles to your children and use them to settle family disputes. (Biblical examples of how godly people handled conflict may also be found in Genesis 13:1-18; 39:7-12; and 1 Samuel 18:1-16; 24:1-22). Monitor your children's disagreements, and help them put biblical principles of conflict resolution into practice.

Take the quiz

Quiz Instructions

Test your knowledge by taking this short quiz which covers what you just read. Select the correct response based on the lessons and concepts.

1. The primary motivation of Christian communication is __________.

Love

Salvation

2. "Dying to self" means we __________ our communication style.

Adjust

Give up

3. Asking appropriate __________ aids in both clarifying and persuading.

Questions

Answers

4. True listening involves only passive reception.

True

False

5. "Looks explain words," so we should train ourselves to attend to the __________ communication of others.

Nonverbal

Verbal

6. Steady, direct eye contact is characteristic of the __________ personality style.

Ruler

Promoter

7. The __________ personality type has a responsive, supportive, and easy-going sending style.

Server

Designer

8. The __________ personality type has an enthusiastic sending style, and listens for expressions of approval and commitment to their ideas.

Promoter

Ruler

9. The __________ personality type listens for facts and asks, "How can I use this?"

Ruler

Server

10. In teaching children (or adults) at motivational Level 4, use the style of the __________ personality type.

Promoter

Server

11. In listening, the __________ personality type is oriented toward theories, concepts, and principles, and asks the question, "Does this make sense?"

Designer

Promoter

12. In teaching children (or adults) at motivational Level 1, use the style of the __________ personality type.

Ruler

Server

13. In listening, the __________ personality type asks the question, "How will this affect the emotional and physical welfare of myself and others?"

Server

Promoter

14. The __________ personality type takes time to phrase thoughts accurately and expresses little nonverbally.

Designer

Promoter

15. In teaching children (or adults) at motivational Level 3, use the style of the __________ personality type.

Designer

Ruler

16. In teaching children (or adults) at motivational Level 2, use the style of the __________ personality type.

Promoter

Server

17. Brevity, practicality, drama

Ruler

Designer

18. Humor, real-life situations, imagination

Promoter

Designer

19. Gentleness, patience, routine

Server

Promoter

20. Leading questions, methodical approach

Designer

Ruler

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