Chapter 8: Contemporary Challenges

IN THIS CHAPTER, you will discover:

·    How to establish a productive relationship with your child's teacher.

·    How to cope with life as a single parent.

·    The special needs of stepparents and stepchildren.

·    Six steps to successful discipling.

AS A RESULT, you will be able to:

·    Make your child's classroom time more fruitful and enjoyable.

·    Overcome the spiritual, emotional, and practical challenges of single partenting.

·    Make your reconstituted family a success.

·    Sharpen your receptiveness to your children's discipleship needs.

Key Scripture: "Wisdom calls aloud on the street, she raises her voice in the public squares" (Prov. 1:20).

Key Word: Goal-Setting

Dr. Selig begins this lesson tape by making an important point: Christian parents may delegate the task of education to a teacher, but they cannot delegate the responsibility. Parents alone are finally responsible for insuring the quality of their children's education. To execute this responsibility, parents should establish a cooperative, working relationship with each child's teacher.

There are compelling reasons for doing this as soon in the school year as possible. First, no one knows your child's personality, receiving style, or emotional makeup better than you. A good teacher knows not only how to teach but also who they are teaching. The more a teacher learns about your child, the better they can teach them. It is best that this introduction take place before the "tone" of the teacher-child relationship is set in the classroom.

Second, when the relationship between the parent and the teacher is good, the relationship between the child and the teacher is also usually good. According to our authors, most teachers are delighted to have parents show an active interest in their child's education. They will cooperate with the parents in planning for the child. However, if your child's teacher is at a low motivational level and is uncooperative, it is best to find out about it now. If a teacher will not recognize your authority or honor your wishes concerning your child, it is highly unlikely that such a teacher will help your child reach their full potential. Also, a teacher at a low motivational level can inflict serious damage to a child's self-esteem in the classroom.

Preparing for the Meeting

Be confident that you have the right to call a meeting with the teacher. God has given parents jurisdiction over the education of their children.

Prepare yourself motivationally for the meeting. Rest your heart in the Lord and allow him to free you from fear and contentiousness. Review Chapter 5, Lesson 1 of the Study Guide, "Biblical Principles of Communication."

Evaluate your child's learning needs in terms of their motivational level and personality type. Review these topics in previous chapters.

Note which learning techniques are recommended for your child. Review Chapter 4, paying special attention to the information describing the "Teaching Style Needed" by your child; what they are "Stressed By"; what "Work Environment" is optimal; and what their "Central Drives" and "Character Needs" are.

Review Chapter 5, noting the sections that describe "Listening and Sending Characteristics" and "Learning Styles." Review the chapters on discipline in chapter 6. Which of the four discipline strategies works best with your child?

Organize your research and written report. Select a few important issues to cover at the first meeting with your child's teacher.

Meeting the Teacher

Set up the meeting. The initial reaction of the teacher to the suggested meeting will probably be positive. If you sense defensiveness, be prepared to adjust your communication style to someone at a lower motivational level.

Talk to your child's teacher about the issues you have selected. Leave additional information in a brief written report. The emphasis in your first meeting should be on goal-setting. Teachers set goals every day in making out lesson plans, so they will understand this approach. Offer your cooperation to the teacher as a co-laborer in accomplishing their classroom goals.Observe the teacher's motivational level and personality type. To the best of your ability, adjust your sending style accordingly.

Set a date for another meeting to review the progress made in accomplishing your goals.

After the Meeting

Evaluate the success of your meeting using questions found under the heading "Comments after the Conference." Did you accomplish your goals? If not, why? What is your next step?

Evaluate the teacher's motivational level, personality type, and sending and receiving style in more detail to prepare for your next meeting.

Equip your child to function more effectively in class by helping them understand the sending and receiving style of their teacher. Remember: If the teacher is at a low motivational level and their personality style does not complement that of your child, your child may encounter serious problems in the classroom.

If, due to uncooperativeness by the teacher, you think it best to have your child moved to another classroom, do not shrink from the necessary confrontation. Document the conflicts that were discussed in your meetings and their lack of resolution. Present this information to the school administrators after your attempts to talk with the teacher have reached an impasse. Avoid politicizing, backbiting, and character assassination. God will not honor your efforts if you deliberately hurt another person. 

Key Scripture: "For your Maker is your husband - the LORD Almighty is his name" (Isa. 54:5).

In America today we have the highest divorce rate in the world. The estimate of first marriages that end in divorce ranges from 40-50%. Twenty-two percent of children are born out of wedlock, one-third of which are born to teenage mothers. One in four children is being raised by a single parent, and 17% in poverty.

The financial, emotional, and spiritual burdens that accompany divorce take a crushing toll on both parents and children. They must battle powerful feelings of anger, grief, guilt, and loneliness. Single parents frequently feel forsaken by God and are, sadly, often stigmatized and abandoned by the church. Biblically, however, those who are in need are the secret apple of God's eye (Ex. 22:21-24; Prov. 19:17; Luke 1:49-53). God wants to give the single parent the strength to disciple their children. He also promises to bless those who help the single parent (Isa. 58:10; Matt. 5:7).

The single parent's first and most important need is to have their relationship with the Lord restored and strengthened. The initiative to overcome other obstacles will then follow: "He who fears the LORD has a secure fortress, and for his children it will be a refuge" (Prov. 14:26). Prayer, self-understanding, and a willingness to seek help from others are the three steps to becoming a successful single parent.

Restoring the Emotions

Stress, especially the dramatic stress associated with death or divorce, causes our motivational level to drop. Often we begin unknowingly to exhibit character qualities that are self-defeating and damaging to others. Single parents need to understand this possibility and evaluate their behavior closely.

God can, over time, bring emotional healing through prayer and the ministry of others. Persevere in your spiritual life, and try not to indulge feelings of despair. If the parent is sending out the message, 'There is no hope," children will pick it up and internalize it. Do not allow this to happen. Disciple yourself as you disciple your children. The Bible speaks of times when circumstances constrain us to grow spiritually. Only through such trials can we acquire the character-building perseverance that leads to true spiritual maturity (Rom. 5:3-4; James 1:2-4). The preceding verses tell us to "rejoice in our sufferings" and consider them "pure joy"! Admittedly, this is not the easiest attitude to have when we feel that our world has fallen apart. Yet we can learn to rest in God (Isa. 40:31) and to know with increasing confidence that "he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus" (Phil. 1:6).

Surmounting Problems

.Before using a problem-solving strategy, the single parent must cultivate the ability to ask for and receive help. In Matthew 7:7, Christ commands us to "ask and receive." We usually take this to mean that we should address our needs to God in prayer. This is true, but we also should remember that Christ said, "I am among you as one who serves" (Luke 22:27). As the church, we are instructed to "serve one another in love" (Gal. 5:13). Christ continues his ministry through the members of his body, the church.Share your needs with others as God directs. In doing so, you are following Christ's command as well as giving others the opportunity to bless you, themselves, and God.

Key Scripture: "But as for me and my household, we will serve the LORD" (Josh. 24:15).

Key Word: Stepfamily

Traditionally, the average American family was composed of a husband and wife and their children. Together they constituted the so-called "nuclear family." But present trends in marriage, divorce, longevity, same sex couples, and adoption are redefining the way we think of the average family. Due to current divorce rates of 40-50% for first marriages and divorce rates which are generally higher for second marriages, approximately 20% of children in America are presently stepchildren. Projected figures indicate that one in three children born in the '80s will become a stepchild before they reach the age of eighteen. The traditional nuclear family is being displaced by the stepfamily. Two types of stepfamilies are "reconstituted" and "blended" families.

Reconstituted and Blended Families

Reconstituted families consist of adults and children from two or more different marriages. Blended families are essentially identical to reconstituted families, except that they include adopted children or a mixture of different racial backgrounds. One-third of all children and half of all adults will be members of reconstituted or blended families before the end of the century."

Children in reconstituted families are usually children of divorce. At the time they become stepchildren, they may still be experiencing the anger and grief that accompany the loss of their natural mother or father. Yet, they must suddenly adjust to a family that may include a mother, a stepmother, a father, a stepfather, four sets of grandparents, brothers and sisters, stepbrothers and stepsisters, and an untold number of aunts and uncles. Not surprisingly, children often find this adjustment difficult. Later, if the stepparent and the natural parent have another child, they may feel even more threatened and displaced.

Stepparents also have difficulty adapting to their new parental role. They are often seen by their stepchildren as having usurped the position of the natural parent. The present marriage ends the children's cherished dream that their original parents might somehow reunite. Stepparents may therefore encounter coldness and hostility from their stepchildren. Stepparents (and stepchildren) both initially feel like they are "permanent guests." They must fight the feeling that they are not "real" mothers, fathers, sons, or daughters.

Because of pressures like these, the divorce rate for second marriages is higher than for first marriages. Stepchildren are more likely to be abused, especially sexually. And children in stepfamilies have been found to have a higher incidence of developmental, emotional, and behavioral problems than children from intact nuclear families.

Building New Families

Sometimes death takes a parent, or divorce tragically becomes unavoidable. How can you successfully meet the difficult challenges that come with remarriage and step-parenting?

Be informed. Look closely at the motivational level, personality type, and gift mix of every potential member of the reconstituted family. Evaluate the willingness and ability of you and your potential mate to meet any detectable needs. Weigh your compatibility honesty, and do not hesitate to seek the opinions of others you respect (Prov. 15:22). Get premarital counseling from your pastor. Persons who are otherwise mature and intelligent can make poor decisions when choosing a marriage partner. Factors that sometimes motivate disastrous second marriages include financial pressure, "rebounding" emotionally, or unconsciously selecting someone with the same (perhaps negative) character qualities as the former spouse. Be alert to these influences. Above all, pray until you get a clear sense of the Lord's direction.

Bring Christ into your Marriage. The Bible tells us not to be "unequally yoked" (1 Cor. 7:39; 2 Cor. 6:14). Do not consider anyone as a marriage partner who is not a Christian and who is not operating at a high motivational level.

Approach your marriage as Christians. See it as a lifetime commitment (Matt. 19:4-9). Share your convictions about marriage with each other. How do you understand the idea of mutual submission in marriage (Eph. 5:21-33; 1 Peter 3:1-7)? What are your feelings about the headship of the husband? What are your philosophies of discipline?

Face problems willingly. Husbands and wives who have successful second marriages acknowledge that the key to their success is unity. Work at being a couple first. Be impartial in loving and disciplining natural children and stepchildren. By putting your spouse first in the family, you establish an equality among natural children and stepchildren. As the reconstituted family solidifies and becomes simply a family, the unity between husband and wife provides a foundation of order, security, harmony, and love. With God's blessing, stepfamilies can work. God loves to do "a new thing" and to "provide water in the desert and streams in the wasteland" (Isa. 43:19, 20).

Aging Parents

The family of the future will be a multigenerational family. Consider these facts: The average American presently has more living parents than children. By the year 2000, four-generation families are the norm. By 2030 the entire baby boom generation will be senior citizens. They will number 77 million-over one-third of the entire population of the United States. Among female baby-boomers, seven in ten will outlive their husbands by an average of 15 years.

The decision on how best to care for aging parents is a difficult one. As with reconstituted families, there are as as many variables involved as there are individuals in the family. The problem of providing necessary health care may be an added concern.

There is, however, no uncertainty about the absolute respect and care that we owe our parents. Unlike our own youth-worshipping culture, the Bible treats old age with reverence (Lev.19:32). It counsels us to care for our aged parents (Prov. 23:22; 1 Tim. 5:4, 8). God himself promises not to desert the elderly (Isa. 46:4). Jesus harshly rebuked those who hoarded money rather than spend it for the care of their parents (Mark 7:9-13; see IBC, p. 1165).

As we attend to the needs of our aging parents, we should remember that our own children are observing and learning. For one day we, too, will say: "Do not cast me away when I am old; do not forsake me when my strength is gone" (Ps. 71:9).