Chapter 2: Great Marriage Expectations

Key Scripture: "I guide you in the way of wisdom and lead you along straight paths" (Prov. 4:11).

Media Influence

Television and especially the Internet continually suggest that the only criterion for choosing a partner is physical attractiveness. Character, morals, intelligence, or values play no part in the choice. Television and the Internet teach their own values. Selfishly, a young person seeks someone to make him or her look and feel good. In the process, tender hearts are broken and once-innocent people are dumped by the wayside. The search for the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow goes on. "Somewhere, there is a perfect person who can fulfill all my needs. I'll finally be happy when I find him or her."

The media has greatly influenced our perception of dating, marriage, and the family. While professing to reflect modern lifestyles, the media actually determines, to a great extent, how people live and relate. Before children are able to differentiate between fact and fantasy, they are fed a steady television/Internet diet of violence, promiscuity, adultery, homosexuality, and vulgarity. Compare three hours of church a week to three or more hours of television every day. By the time children grow into adulthood, their values have been shaped by strangers who daily invade their living rooms.

The mass media dispense expert advice on such important subjects as:

• Romance. This is a free society; look out for No. 1. Use birth control to avoid responsibility. Pornography helps you get in the mood.
• Marriage. Avoid it altogether; live with as many partners as possible. If you are into serial marriages, be sure that you benefit financially from each one.
• Children. Don't have any; abort if necessary. Children tie you down. If you do have an accident, let the child grow up as a free spirit. Teach them early how to be streetwise. Give them a motto to live by: "Use people before they can use you. "

Reasons for Marriage

Ideas concerning love whether true or not will determine behavior between marriage partners. Predetermined attitudes will ultimately affect the future of the marriage itself. Many people believe that love is based on feelings. If something should happen to those feelings, the marriage is automatically doomed. This perception puts a person at the total mercy of feelings. People who perceive themselves as tossed about by waves of emotion take the relationship for granted since they have no control over it anyway. As a result, it withers and dies for lack of care. Real love needs daily nurturing.

From a Christian perspective, the primary reasons for marriage are a shared faith (2 Cor. 6:14-16) and a lifetime commitment to each other and to God (Matt. 19:4-6). God established marriage as the social framework in which most adults will live out their lives. The following are some positive reasons for marrying that are sanctioned by God:

• Conformity. Christians are to conform to social norms unless they conflict with Scripture (Rom. 13:1-7). By marrying, a couple conforms to both social and biblical standards.
• Legitimization of Sex. Marriage should be the only setting for a physical union between a man and a woman (1 Cor. 7:3-5).
• Love. Mature love based on commitment and unselfishness characterizes a Christian marriage (1 Cor. 13:4-8).
• Companionship. Companionship leading to security and stability meets one of our deepest needs (Eccl. 4:9-11).
• Sharing. We need someone to share ourselves with. Experiences mean so much more when they are shared (Gal. 6:2).
• Communication. We were created as social beings with the ability and need to communicate (Prov. 18:4).
• Nurturing. God placed in humanity the desire for nurturing the spouse and children (Ps. 128:3-6).

On the other hand, if people marry for the wrong reasons, the marriage is almost certain to fail. The following are some negative reasons for marriage:

• Pregnancy. If a couple has not planned on marriage before the pregnancy, then the pregnancy itself is a poor reason for marriage.
• Rebound. Widowhood, divorce, or a broken engagement may result in a transfer of emotions to another person. Taking into consideration a year's grieving period and a year of dating and courtship, a person should wait at least two years before marriage.
• Rebellion. Opposition by parents often pushes a couple closer together, but the lack of parental support decreases the probability of marital success.
• Escape. Some people marry to escape an unhappy or stressful situation, thinking that a new person will solve their problems.
• Loneliness. Too often a lonely person places unreasonable demands on his or her partner, which puts a strain on the relationship.
• Physical Appearance. There is a danger in attributing characteristics to a physically attractive person that they do not possess. Some people desire an attractive partner to enhance their own prestige.
• Social Pressure. Marriage is a cultural expectation. Often society sends the message, "There is something wrong with you if you stay single. "There is also the hope of gaining adult status.
• Guilt. A person may feel guilty about having led another person on or having had intimate relations.
• Pity. Feeling sorry for a person because of their handicap or circumstances in life is no basis for marriage.
• Romance. Romantic love is based on feelings and cannot be sustained over a long period of time.
• Children. Desiring children to fulfill a selfish need is unfair to the spouse and the children.

After reading this list, you may realize that you married for the wrong reasons. The first thing to remember is that the minute you married, your spouse became the "right one" (1 Cor. 7:20). You have made a lifetime commitment to your partner. Now seek God's guidance in establishing your marriage for the right reasons, and he will give you both the beautiful relationship you desire.

Life Application: Television and the Internet have had a great impact on America's ideas concerning marriage. Yet people acquire misconceptions about marriage through other sources, such as family and friends. Some of the more "popular" misconceptions follow:

1. I can change him or her after the wedding.

2. We agree about the big things; the little things will take care of themselves.

3. People who really love each other will always stay in love.

4. Two can live as cheaply as one.

5. Marriage is a fifty/fifty proposition.

6. Marriage will solve all my other problems.

7. Our marriage can withstand any challenges as long as we have each other.

8. We will always enjoy doing the same things.

9. Marriage can be managed like any other successful relationship.

10 Marriage is the same as dating except you can have sex without guilt.

11. All my needs will finally be met.

12. If we both try hard, we can make it.

13. He/She will know what to do in any crisis.

14. A successful marriage is easy.

15. I will never be lonely again.

16. Wanting a good marriage is enough to have a good marriage.

17. He/She will stop ___________________ after we're married.

18. Two people with the same financial goals can make it.

19. A good marriage will happen if it was meant to be.

20. Two successful people make one successful marriage.

Go over the list individually and as a couple. Did the two of you have any misconceptions when you got married? How have they affected your relationship? Discuss these with your spouse. Now is the time to clean out your marriage closet and get rid of outgrown, worn out or wrong ideas. You will find that God wants to outfit you in a new marriage wardrobe.

Key Scripture: "It is God's will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable" (1 Thess. 4:3-4).

The Bible says nothing about dating. Since it is silent on the practice, does that mean dating is wrong? Not at all. The accounts of Isaac and Rebekah (Gen. 24) and Mary and Joseph (Matt. 1) indicate that God brought these couples together using the customs of their own culture. Since dating is customary within Western culture, let us examine dating from a Christian perspective.

Types of Dating

It is difficult to differentiate between dating and courtship since they obviously overlap. But dating is generally concerned with particular activities and with getting to know another person. Courtship deals primarily with mate selection and preparation for marriage.

According to sociologists, there are basically two types of dating. Recreational or casual dating requires no commitment beyond the date. The date itself is usually centered around a specific social event. Attachment-oriented or serious dating involves some level of commitment. The relationship takes precedence over the event. This type of dating usually leads to an exclusive relationship.

Dating as we know it is a modern practice that developed after World War I. Before that time, dating was very formal, limited to specific events, and usually chaperoned. Four social factors contributed greatly to the rise of modern dating:

• Industrialization put more women to work outside the home, which tended to weaken family ties.
• Concentrated urban centers around factories provided a wide variety of potential mates and freedom from close supervision.
• Child labor laws and compulsory education provided free time for young people.
• The automobile provided mobility and privacy to young people, which were unheard of previously.

The most popular reason for dating is recreation. Dating provides a way for young people to learn how to behave around the opposite sex and to clarify their own gender-role identities. They can also learn something about marital and family roles. A most important function of dating is to discover the type of individual a person is most comfortable with. Most people meet the person they will eventually marry through the dating process.

Going Steady

The year was 1900. The July sun beat down on Calvin unmercifully. His coat and starched collar only added to his misery. Perhaps it would be cooler in Melissa's parlor. The flowers he had picked were beginning to wilt as Calvin walked up the steps. Quickly he flicked the dust off his smartly shined shoes. "I only hope I can spend five minutes alone with her, " he muttered to himself. Even though he had been visiting Melissa every Sunday for two months, her family always hovered nearby. There seemed to be no end to their questions.

Inside Melissa waited, not wanting to appear anxious. She dare not move around too much, for her corset and many petticoats were suffocating. There was no need to pinch her cheeks for color; she was already flushed from the heat. "I wish I could spend some time with Calvin and really get to know him! "

Exactly one hundred years later...Bo cruised by Beverly's house to make sure her parents were gone. Beverly and Bo have been going steady for two months now. He could count on one hand the number of times he had seen her parents. Bo drove into Bev's driveway, jumped out of the car, and ran up the walk. He looked tan and fit in his jeans. Beverly, low-rise jeans and a halter-top, opened the door. "I heard your car," she said. "Come on in. I'm fixing popcorn in the microwave; we can watch a DVD while we decide where to go." "What a girl," Bo thought, "and she's MY steady! "

Going steady is an arrangement in which a couple date each other exclusively over a period of time. Although it has changed somewhat over the years, the steady relationship still thrives. People go steady for different reasons, but security heads the list. There is the assurance of always having a date and of not having to compete. In some circles, having a "steady" is considered a status symbol. For those who are already insecure, having a steady makes them feel worthwhile. For other couples, however, a few dates have turned into a comfortable dating relationship, and they continue out of habit.

Going steady poses some serious problems. The most dangerous one is the pressure to become sexually involved. Jealousy and possessiveness add tension to the exclusive relationship. Still another problem is the lack of opportunity for young people to interact with a variety of persons of the opposite sex. And the earlier young people start to go steady, the earlier they tend to marry.

Exclusive relationships should be reserved for the courtship or engagement period, when two mature people are seriously contemplating marriage. Young people, for whom dating is recreational rather than romantic, should enjoy many acquaintances without becoming romantically involved.

Life Application: Going steady is one way that is often used to control another person to meet our own needs, even though that is God's responsibility. We can also take advantage of our beloved ones in this way and end up taking advantage of God's grace. After praying about your relationships, do you need to ask forgiveness of another person? Of God? Commit yourself to depending on him to meet all of your needs.

Key Scripture: "You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body" (1 Cor. 6:19-20).

Premarital sex has been a social taboo since Old Testament times. It was prohibited in Israel and punishable by death (Deut. 22:20-21). Courtship was vastly different in biblical culture. Therefore, such activities as hand-holding, kissing, and petting are not addressed in the Bible. God’s Word does prohibit sexual intercourse before marriage. "But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality " (Eph. 5:3). Using this principle, Christians have attempted to draw up guidelines for premarital behavior.

Premarital intimacy includes everything from holding hands to sexual intercourse. Consequently, attempts have been made to label and define various degrees of physical intimacy. The two areas of greatest concern are heavy petting and intercourse. From recent research, it is estimated that 70 percent of all males have engaged in sexual intercourse before marriage. While the extent of premarital sexual activity has decreased slightly for men in the past decade, the percentage of college females engaging in heavy petting and sexual intercourse has risen dramatically.

Before this century puberty occurred at an older age, and responsible adulthood came earlier. Today children are reaching puberty earlier, but people are marrying later. Therefore, there is a period of eight to ten years between sexual maturity and marriage. Many young people feel that they are at the mercy of this extended adolescent period.

Many other factors have contributed to the rise of premarital intimacy. Situational ethics being taught in public schools and a lack of religious training in the home have shaped the values of many young people. The permissive attitude, "If it feels good, do it," has often become ingrained in them. The availability of contraceptives has also provided a false sense of security. Yet girls are still getting pregnant. Many adolescents end up scarred, physically and emotionally, by abortion.

Consequences of Premarital Intimacy

The consequences of premarital sex are far-reaching; some surface immediately while others become evident years later (Rom. 1:24-25). An often forgotten consequence of fornication is the spiritual one. Paul warns of what may happen to those who persist in their sin: "For of this you can be sure: No immoral, impure or greedy person such a man is an idolater has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God " (Eph. 5:5).

Sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) are rampant in the United States today. Gonorrhea and syphilis, two of the older, more widely known venereal diseases, have infected millions. Untreated, syphilis may cause serious birth defects in offspring or insanity in the infected person. No cure has been found for genital herpes. Chlamydia, only recently discovered, has rendered many women infertile who never even knew they had the disease.

Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome (AIDS) is the most devastating of all, and can kill you. Many people are under the false impression that using condoms can prevent AIDS. Since condoms are only 95 percent effective in preventing conception, their effectiveness is less against the AIDS virus, which is 500 times smaller than a single sperm. A woman can only get pregnant a few days during the month, but AIDS can be contracted in any encounter. A single indiscretion could take the lives of both partners and any future children. While some victims have contracted the disease through blood transfusions, in the United States most have gotten the disease through infected needles and homosexual activities (Rom. 1:27).

Premarital pregnancy is a possible consequence of premarital intimacy. Illegitimate births represented about one in every fifteen babies born in 1999. Two decades later the rate continues to rise. Some proposed solutions to these pregnancies are abortion, marriage, single parenting, or adoption. Over one-third of the one million teenage pregnancies are terminated in abortions, since many young people consider it a valid method of birth control.

The early commitment and isolation that accompany premarital intimacy narrow the couple's social relationships and retard their social development. Even if they should marry each other, the quality of marital sex is affected by the mistrust that surrounds premarital sex. The guilt that occurs when the conscience is violated can often produce anxiety and/or depression.

Human sexuality is part of God's original "good" creation. When the Christian develops sexually as God intended, the act of sex is God's beautiful gift of life and love. But since premarital sex is sinful, how "far" should a Christian go? To avoid temptation, a couple should do a lot of public dating away from intimate places. Double dating and group dating provide security in numbers. Couples who are seriously contemplating marriage should seek a stable Christian couple as mentors. The older couple can chaperone as well as model what marriage should be. The best safeguard is a strong personal walk with the Lord.

You may have given in to premarital intimacy or been violated by someone you trusted. You may have contracted an STD or AIDS. Perhaps you are the mother or father of a child born out of wedlock, or have suffered through an abortion. If any of these describes where you are, remember that God hates the sin in every one of these situations, but he loves YOU! Ask him for forgiveness, so he can redeem your shortfall for his glory (Rom. 3:23).

Life Application: After committing adultery with Bathsheba, King David asked God for forgiveness. Psalm 51 records his confession. For complete cleansing of past or present sexual sin, pray with David: "Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love; according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions. Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin " (Ps. 51:1-2). As a child of Jesus the King, receive and then share God's forgiveness and restoration today.

Key Scripture: "I promised you to one husband, to Christ, so that I might present you as a pure virgin to him" (2 Cor. 11:2).

In Jesus' day, the betrothal was considered so binding that a divorce was necessary to break the agreement (Matt. 1:18-19). Complete fidelity to the betrothal was the rule, not the exception. Jewish women married young so Mary, the mother of Jesus, was a young teenager.

Successful marriages can begin at almost any age, but statistics show that today the ideal age for a woman to marry is between 21 and 29 years; for a man between 24 and 30. By their late twenties, most people have determined what kind of mate they want for a lifetime. Many marriage experts agree that a couple engaged three years has twice the chance for happiness as a couple engaged three months. Long courtships give them time to work out or accept their differences. Other counselors argue that too long an engagement (over a year) increases the temptation to become sexually involved.

The famous Kinsey Studies found that persons who have had many sexual experiences before marriage make the poorest sexual adjustments after marriage. Sexual intercourse outside of marriage is totally condemned by God and never proves that a couple is right for each other. In fact, the act brings their moral trustworthiness into great question. Neither partner could ever be sure that their mate would be honest and committed only to them after the wedding.

Waiting on God

At creation God initiated the relationship between man and woman. First, he established marriage and its parameters. Next, he claimed the responsibility for fulfilling Adam's needs by creating a helper suitable for him. Third, it was God's privilege to bring Eve to Adam. (They did not have to search for one another.) Finally, God set the goals for their entire life together. The result was perfect unity with each other and with himself.

What this means, in practical terms, is that Christians are not to enter a marriage based on their own decision. Marriage is a gift from God, not a right, reward, or obligation. Waiting on God for a marriage partner involves three fundamental principles - protection, patience, and preparation.

• Protection implies the guarding of one's heart and employing self-control, perhaps the hardest but most vital aspect of waiting on God.
• Patience is essential in determining an individual's true motivation for entering a relationship. It is rewarded with steadfastness and courage, which serve as building blocks in the relational foundation.
• Preparation by God readies an individual to fulfill the needs of the other partner. This is the time to cultivate godly characteristics by preparing in accordance with God's will.

The result of waiting on God is a joyful confidence in the choices he makes for each person. This confidence enables the relationship to be built on God himself, thus insuring the strength, durability, and rewards of the marriage. A marriage is truly made in heaven when God's pattern for choosing a mate is followed.

Premarital Counseling

Premarital counseling is a vital step toward a God-pleasing marriage. God considers an engagement to be sacred. Ideally, both the man and the woman are acting out of obedience to God's direction. They have an absolute confidence that they have heard from God. It is through the engagement period that each individual prepares to make a covenant with the other and with God. They stand vulnerable before one another, their families, and their friends.

During the engagement period, guided by the Holy Spirit, each puts his or her house in order, laying aside immature ideas and personal rights and needs. As a couple they establish new communication patterns, set lifestyle requirements, and prepare to give themselves wholeheartedly to one another. Engagement is not just a time to plan for the wedding!

The success or failure of engagement (premarital) counseling depends on the couple's willingness to submit themselves to God. Every couple needs to receive intensive premarital counseling from either a pastor or a competent Christian counselor. The minister or counselor is not only responsible to them, but also to God. The counseling does not end there, for the true engagement counselor is also the marriage counselor, family counselor, and financial partner. God is the only one who can bring unity by changing the inner natures of those entering into marriage. Many marital problems can be avoided through premarital counseling. Premarital counseling provides the confidence, strength, and stability needed in founding a life-long marriage.

Life Application: The following questions are examples of some important issues that may be discussed in premarital counseling sessions. Even if you have answers in mind, they will become more focused if you write them down. Married couples can also benefit by recognizing problems that may never have been resolved before marriage.

1. What does being "in love" mean?

2. How did you meet? How long have you known each other?

3. List 5 reasons why you are getting married.

4. List 3 things you expect to receive.

5. List 3 things you expect to give.

6. Describe the husband's/wife's role as you see it.

7. Who does most of the talking when the two of you are alone?

8. List 5 things you frequently talk about in order of importance.

9. In a disagreement, how do you resolve your differences?

10. What is the purpose of sex in marriage?

11. State any fears you have concerning sexual intimacy.

12. Have you discussed sex with your future spouse?

13. Do you plan to have children? How many? When?

14. How do you feel about working mothers?

15. How will you discipline the children?

16. Describe your father's/mother's positive and negative traits.

17. Who made the major decisions in your family? Were the outcomes good or bad?

18. Who managed the finances? Were they successful?

19. How did each of your parents react to conflict (yell or cry; blow up or withdraw; resolve quickly or pout continually)?

20. What 3 qualities in their marriage would you like to imitate?

21. What 3 qualities would you not like to imitate?

22. Do you see any possible conflict with your future partner over spiritual matters?

23. Describe your concept of a Christian marriage.

24. Who will be the financial manager?

25. How do you feel about long-term debt? Short-term debt?