Chapter 5: The Family Years

Key Scripture: "Blessed are all who fear the Lord, who walk in his ways. You will eat the fruit of your labor; blessings and prosperity will be yours. Your wife will be like a fruitful vine within your house; your sons will be like olive shoots around your table...May you live to see your children’'s children" (Ps. 128:1-3, 6).

Key Words: Creationism, Traducianism

At creation God made Adam and Eve with the biological ability to procreate. Genesis 4:1 records the first human birth cycle: "Adam lay with his wife Eve, and she became pregnant and gave birth to Cain." Because the reproductive process is so natural, it is often taken for granted. But note Eve’s response: "She said, ‘With the help of the Lord I have brought forth a man." Thus, children are a gift from God, always born with his divine assistance.

To Have or Not to Have

"In the ancient world the primary purpose of marriage was procreation rather than companionship, and, as a result, large numbers of offspring were regarded as an asset" (NIDB, p. 625). In modern times economic and social factors have forced married couples to plan their families in a responsible manner. A couple must consider many factors in their decision if and when to have children, and how large their family should be. Regardless of motivations, the couple must confidently know that their decision is according to God’s will. It is advisable to inform the potential grandparents and other close relatives of the outcome of this important decision.

Many couples discover that when they do decide to start a family, they are unable to conceive. Often medical science is able to treat infertility successfully (and expensively). Unless God intervenes through such a medical procedure, adoption may be the only other option. The decision to adopt should be given as much prayerful consideration as the decision to have children naturally.

Conception

Conception is the process by which the egg in a woman is fertilized by sperm from the man. Through modern science and technology, conception is more controllable than ever before. But with this ability comes more responsibility, not less. The controversy regarding birth control is over an individual’s personal responsibility to control or not to control conception. Each couple must prayerfully resolve this question in accordance with Scripture and their church’s teaching.

The process by which a new human being develops within the womb is known as prenatal development. The three stages of prenatal development are the germinal stage (from fertilization to two weeks), the embryonic stage (two weeks to eight weeks), and the fetal stage (eight weeks to term), a process of about 38 weeks. These stages are merely a way to describe a process that is a continuous act. Conception is the beginning of a human baby, a living being.

Abortion and the Christian

Underlying the present controversy over abortion is humanity’s unique status in God’s creation. Man alone was made in God’s image (Gen. 1:26-27). When God breathed life into his nostrils, "man became a living being [or ‘soul’ KJV]" (2:7). Two theological positions have emerged over the precise time when the soul enters the body during development. They are creationism and traducianism. Creationists claim the soul enters the body sometime between conception and birth, while traducianists believe that through Adam the soul is passed on at conception.

Can it be determined when the soul is placed within the child? The precise moment is unknown, but God does say to Jeremiah: "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations" (1:5). The only safe position then is that life begins at conception. Abortion is not a Christian option in family planning. The sanctity of life is a principle found throughout Scripture, and this fundamental truth must be vigorously affirmed today.

Life Application: Regardless of which stage in the family life cycle you are in, discuss responsibilities of parenthood with your spouse, and, if appropriate, with your children. Use this time as a springboard to relive fond memories, or to plan for making new ones. Thankfully pray with your family.

Key Scripture: "Only be careful, and watch yourselves closely so that you do not forget the things your eyes have seen or let them slip from your heart as long as you live. Teach them to your children and to their children after them" (Deut. 4:9).

Role of Parents

The parental role has changed over the years as children have become socially less important. Children are often viewed in terms of what they will add or detract from their parents’ lives. Even in Christian families, the role of parents is relatively undefined. Many couples feel unprepared for parenthood emotionally, financially, and relationally. This lack of preparation can place a strain on every area of their lives. No matter how well read or well-prepared parents are, the irreversible and unrelenting responsibility that comes with a baby can be overwhelming.

With the birth of the baby, couples often experience the disruption of sexual relations, an unequal division of labor, and an interruption of intimate affection and attention. Communication, commitment, and the willingness to ask for help are essential. In addition, a strong prayer life provides the strength not only to "make it through " this stage, but also to enjoy this gift of life.

Stages and Styles of Parenting

The stages of parenthood can be described in terms of five self-explanatory stages: the New Parent Stage, the Preschool Children Stage, the School-Age Children Stage, the Teen-Age Stage, and the Disengagement Stage. These stages are related to the natural age of the child.

The growth of children can also be described in terms of their development as human beings. Care must be taken to deal with each particular child and situation as totally unique. Human development is concerned with the psychological, biological, spiritual, and social areas. Speaking of Jesus’ boyhood development, Luke 2:52 states that he "grew in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and men." "Wisdom" relates to the psychological development, "stature" to the biological, "in favor with God" to the spiritual, and "men" to the social. In his humanity Jesus fully conformed to the normal developmental model of children.

Parenting styles can be described through five models:

• Martyr. Tends to be overly protective and motivated by guilt. Spoils children; fails to set realistic goals for them; seldom holds them accountable.

• Buddy or pal. Attempts to influence and direct children as a peer. Difficult for a parent to exercise authority.

• Policeman or drill sergeant. Sets strict rules and limits; punishes any and all infractions. Maturity level of children inhibited; lack of love causes rebellion.

• Teacher-counselor. Uses psychological rather than physical punishment. Tendency to be permissive, catering too much to the needs of the children.

• Athletic coach. Prepares children for the game of life; discipline, support, training, and example are used to prepare the "players."

These generalizations are helpful in that they help parents evaluate their own methods of parenting. Then alternative-parenting styles can be proposed, depending on the needs of the individual child and the abilities of parents. Many parents believe that parenting is instinctive and that they will know what to do when the time comes. These parents will normally follow the parental style of their own parents, either for better or for worse. This can sometimes be detrimental, particularly when children are raised in an abusive situation.

Christian Child Rearing

The Bible addresses parenting in a very clear way. It describes the roles of each member of the family and clearly defines the responsibilities of both parents and children. The book of Proverbs is especially filled with wisdom for parents and their children. Proverbs 22:6 is a familiar example: "Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it."

The elements of the Christian parenting model are Love, Discipline, Consistency, Example, and the Father.

The mother and father must love each other, and the parents must love the child.
Discipline involves teaching correct behavior as much as correcting wrong behavior.

Parents need to be consistent with discipline from situation to situation and from time to time. As a couple, they need to be consistent in their relationship with each other.

The parents’ example is more important than what they say because most values are caught, not taught.
Fathers must take an active role with their children in discipline, spiritual development, education, and recreation.

One of the most important aspects of Christian child rearing is that children receive their self-worth from who they are, and not what they can do. This establishes the biblical foundations of grace, mercy, and unconditional love, which will enable them to accept God’s love more readily. The goal of Christian parents is to nurture and prepare their children for entering into a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. Remember—God does not have grandchildren!

Life Application: As a couple, discuss the parenting styles that your parents used in raising you. How have you incorporated these into your parenting role with your own children? Are there conflicts between you and your spouse because of differing parenting styles? If so, what changes need to be made to come into agreement with each other and with Scripture?

Key Scripture: "He who pursues righteousness and love finds life, prosperity and honor " (Prov. 21:21).

What is Middle Age?

Generally speaking, middle age is the halfway point between birth and death. Most people expect to live approximately 75 years, so middle age is said to be from 40 to 60 years. There are several dimensions to the changes that occur in the middle years—the physical-psychological, the career, and the family. If a couple is not prepared for them, these changes can sometimes be devastating to the husband, the wife, their marriage, and their family. If properly prepared for, this time of life can be enriching, satisfying, and rewarding. Unfortunately, people today are almost as unprepared for middle age as they were for parenthood.

Both men and women, no matter what their chosen careers, may face a crisis during the middle years. The children have left or are getting ready to leave, which once again changes their parenting roles. For women whose career identity has been as a wife and mother, this loss can be especially traumatic. If there are problems in the marriage, her fulfillment most likely has come from her role as mother rather than as wife. On the other hand, men often face their mid-life crisis by challenging the career goals they have set for themselves. They may have discovered these goals to be unattainable; or, if attained, unsatisfying. Reactions to mid-life are directly related to where and how people get their self-identity. According to today’s social standards, you are what you do. These crisis points are far less traumatic if people have already realized that their individuality and self-esteem comes from Jesus Christ.

Family and Marriage

Many family problems arise during the middle years. A couple may be financially limited at times as the children leave for college. They are saving for their own retirement as well. It is also possible that they are supporting, in one way or another, their own parents. During this time of life an extramarital affair is most likely to occur, as the need to affirm sexual attractiveness grows. Marriage problems may arise because of this questioning of physical appeal. Very often the couple has built their communication and relational patterns around the children. With their absence, a void is often left between the husband and the wife.

But this is not necessary. If a couple has nurtured their marriage by maintaining communication and by sharing goals, the middle years can be the best time for the marriage. "May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth" (Prov. 5:18). As a couple, if you are prepared for the new freedom, leisure time, and financial blessing of the middle years, your marriage will continue to thrive. Here are five affirmations for renewing your marital relationship in the middle years:

•Seek to know and understand your spouse better.

•Give of yourself and cherish your spouse.

•Affirm that the differences between you and your spouse are good.

•Let incompatibility be a dynamic for growth.

•Invest the time necessary to make your marriage work.

Life Application: In your own words write a poem or letter to your spouse, remembering especially the feelings, events, and special moments you have shared over the years. Read it aloud to your spouse, creating another special moment you will be able to remember in the future.

Key Scripture: "Is not wisdom found among the aged? Does not long life bring understanding? " (Job 12:12).

Aging

Throughout history the moral condition of a civilization is gauged by how it treats its very young and very old. The experience of the older generation is every society’s greatest resource; yet it is often ignored. Just when they are the most valuable to the family and society, the elderly are devalued as people, sometimes discarded like unwanted babies.

While "old-age" is a relative term, "aging" generally refers to more than just getting older. It usually refers to getting closer to death. The senior years begin at age 65, and this is the only age group that no one grows out of. As the graying of our population has progressed over recent decades, society has been unable to deal with this generation. In America it is a disadvantage to be an older citizen. Persons in this age group are often viewed as an economic drain, a hindrance to progress, and a burden to their families.

Grandparenthood

The role of grandparents has dramatically changed as people have children at younger and younger ages. Many Americans will become grandparents in their forties. Because of this factor and longer life expectancies, grandchildren have more living grandparents than ever before. Yet they are having less contact with their grandparents than any other generation. Several reasons account for this. First, grandparents (especially younger ones) want to enjoy their free time now that they have raised their own kids. Another is the physical separation due to our highly mobile society. Third, because of employment opportunities, many families are forced to relocate away from their family homes. Children today may go for months, even years, without seeing their grandparents. Five roles that grandparents commonly assume are the formal, the fun seeker, the surrogate parent, the reservoir of family wisdom, and the distant figure.

The absent grandparent was not God’s intention. The relationship of each generation to the others was always to be vital and nurturing. "Children’s children are a crown to the aged, and parents are the pride of their children" (Prov. 17:6). If grandparents would (and could) assume their God-given role in the family, many of the crises in society would be solved.

Retirement

"The glory of young men is their strength, gray hair the splendor of the old" (Prov. 20:29). Retirement is only a recent occurrence in social history and thus a concept foreign to the Bible. God always viewed what people "do for a living" as part of their ministry to him. However, he always set aside seasons of refreshing and reward for his people. The weekly Sabbath, the Sabbath year, and the year of Jubilee (Lev. 25) provided times of rest and renewal. It is when leisure becomes an end in itself, rather than a means for greater service, that emptiness and a fear of death supplant personal self-worth.

By preparing for and viewing retirement as part of God’s discipleship process, many, if not all, of the crises associated with retirement and aging can be avoided. These include the loss of finances, the loss of self-esteem, the loss of work-oriented social contacts, the loss of meaningful tasks, and the loss of a reference group. Again, these crises can be avoided if people’s identity lies in whose they are rather than in what they do.

Death and Widowhood

Death is one experience that everyone will share, though everyone will not approach it in the same way. The five stages of dying are: (1) denial and isolation, (2) anger, (3) bargaining, (4) depression, and (5) acceptance. A death in the family profoundly changes the roles of its members. The aforementioned stages can become a checklist for family members to communicate where each is in relation to the others. Normally, all family members will go through these stages, though at different times and in different order.

It is far more difficult to accept a spouse’s death than the deaths of parents. Widowhood, especially in the later years, can be one of the most traumatic events in a person’s life. Men seem to have a more difficult time adjusting, since they often have not established their own home routine. Men also experience increased isolation and are not as willing to establish new relationships. There is a higher suicide rate among widowers than among widows.

Women who lose their spouses during the later years also have a difficult time, though some of the adjustments are not as traumatic. Women usually have a home routine as well as a supportive circle of friends. However, they are often ill-equipped to deal with financial and business responsibilities. Women may also go through an identity crisis if their primary role has been as a homemaker. If a woman can no longer live alone, she is more readily accepted by her married children.

Remarriage of the widowed in the later years presents its own challenges. It can have many benefits if each partner offers the fruit of a lifetime to the other. Often personal priorities must be reexamined, and new goals established. Companionship and communication are truly valued. If people had successful first marriages, they are more likely to have a successful second one.

Life Application: Review the lives of your favorite Bible characters. How did they spend their senior years? Notice especially the later years of Abraham, Sarah, Moses, David, Peter, and Paul. Make a list of attitudes (i.e., obedience, faithfulness, etc.) they maintained that enabled them to maintain a high level of satisfaction and vigor throughout their final years. Are there adjustments or preparations that you, your spouse, and your family need to make?