Dave Says: Money Matters and Marriage

Dear Dave,

My wife and I are $60,000 in debt, and all of our credit cards are maxed out. I make $30,000 a year, and we’ve got virtually no savings or emergency fund. The other day I took all the cards and cut them up and closed the accounts. She’s a little angry about this because she wants them in case of emergencies. What can I do?

- Leon

Dear Leon,

First of all, you’ve never heard me tell anyone to take credit cards away from another person – especially a spouse - and just start chopping. Even if they have your name on them, this kind of thing requires careful discussion and agreement between two people. I can understand why she’s angry right now, boss. I’m guessing you may have spent a night or two on the couch over this one!

Communication is an essential part of any good marriage. Now, I agree with your logic. You guys are $60,000 in debt, so it’s about time the cards were cut up. But I don’t agree with your method. The bottom line, Leon, is that emergencies are a valid concern even though her answer to them is wrong. If she’s angry it’s going to make it even tougher to get her on board with the idea of establishing an emergency fund and getting out of debt.

If I were you, I’d apologize. You just took over, wrenched control of the situation away from her, and that’s one of the reasons she’s angry. Then, I’d sit down with her and find out how much it would take in an emergency fund to make her feel comfortable. I recommend three to six months of expenses. So, if your total household expenditures for the month are $2,000, then you’d need anywhere from $6,000 - $12,000.

After this, the two of you can decide together how you want to build this emergency fund. Try to agree on how much to pump into it each month, and you might even want to sell a few things and use the money to help build it even faster. It’s a lot easier to pull a rope than to push it, Leon, and you can’t convert someone with a baseball bat. You can beat them into submission or fear, but you don’t convert them that way and you don’t win someone’s heart by using force. Cooperation, not coercion, is the key.

- Dave