Dave Says: Taking Care of Grown Kids

Dear Dave,

I’m married and have two adult stepkids. I tend to be stricter in money issues than my wife. My oldest stepchild, who is 30, and her child moved back in with us because things weren’t going well in her job. My stepson is 21, in college and still lives at home. My wife gives them money when issues arise. I think she’s finally getting tired of doing this, but how can we fix it?

Jeff

Dear Jeff,

If she’s 30-years old, this is about 13 years late in coming. The thing is, sometimes people confuse putting your foot down with being mean. You’re not being mean when you teach a 30-year old how to self-sustain and require that of her. The same thing goes for a 21-year old.

Now, being a single mom is really tough. More than half of all single moms live below the poverty level. Allowing her to come back home for a little while is a noble thing, but if you do that without a solid game plan and exit strategy in place, you’re asking for trouble!

It’s a little tougher at this stage, though, and it’s going to be like teaching an old dog new tricks. You’ve also got to make sure that you and your wife are completely on the same page. In your situation, I’m sure you’ve experienced the evil stepdad routine. Make sure the kids understand that you’re not pushing them away for good, but that you’re both giving them the opportunity to be all they can be. That won’t happen while they’re huddled under momma’s wing.

Once you two are in solid agreement on every point, sit down with the kids and let them know the ways you’re going to continue to help them and the ways you won’t. You might help with food, but not money. If they’re going to continue to live with you, there might be an understanding that it’s only until a certain date, and during that time you’re going to teach them how to stand on their own two feet through work and how to handle money.

Remember the saying if you give a man a fish you feed him for a day, but if you TEACH a man to fish you feed him for a lifetime? They’re not going to learn when you give them everything or pay their bills for them. But when you make it a teaching experience, they’re going to feel better about themselves and YOU’RE going to feel better because you’ve got responsible, adult children out there in the world.

Dave