Being in Control is Really a Trap

“Growing up in my family, encouraging words were few and far between. I was often told things like I was an accident. I was a mistake. I was constantly told that I couldn’t do anything right and everything was always my fault,” said Dee Roman as she thought about her childhood. 

Dee had heard the lies so often that she started to believe them. “I remember one night, making this deal with myself that since I was a bad girl I was going to be the best bad girl that I could possibly be. I started using drugs. I started drinking in school.  I started shoplifting.”

As a teen, Dee got hooked on crystal meth. Though it gave her an escape, she would find it harder to get away from the pain she endured at a party when she was 17 years old. “I was violently raped, twice. And as devastating as that was for me, I told myself that I deserved it because bad things happen to bad girls,” said Dee.  So she never told her family or police.

“After the rapes I had an absolute need to control everything and everyone,” she said.

After high school, she moved to Phoenix and became a stripper. Then three years later she headed for Hollywood, lured by the promise of big money and the glamorous lifestyle of the sex industry.  

“All my friends were high paid call girls. They made tons of money. It was the mid 80s. It was kind of a cool thing to be a call girl. That’s how you got a rock star. I finally got my interview and went to meet the Hollywood madam and she took one look at me she said, ‘You’re a dominatrix.’ A dominatrix is someone who is in control and in charge of a fantasy or scenario that is agreed upon by the players of the game. I was thinking to myself, ‘There are two positions in life. You’re either the person in control or you’re the one being controlled.’ And I thought to myself, ‘I’m definitely not going to let anyone control me.’”

For two decades, Dee slipped further into the sex industry, as her addiction to crystal meth grew stronger. “I loved meth. I could stay awake for weeks at a time. And there was a lot of partying going on and I didn’t want to miss anything.” 

She never thought about getting help, until the man she was seeing left her. “I gave my heart to someone and they broke my heart, so I decided to go to rehab. Just to kind of get away. So I keep going back to rehab but I can never get past 14 days.  Because the thoughts and the flashbacks of the things that had happened to me in my life were just so overwhelming that I actually welcomed back the relief that the drugs gave me.”

Dee wasn’t the only one searching for answers… “One day one of my fellow dominatrix friends invited me to a Bible study. She didn’t tell me it was a Bible study!”

“The Bible study leaders start singing and they sing this song that goes, Chains be broken, lives be healed, eyes be opened Christ is revealed. I start sobbing. I’m thinking to myself, ‘I have chains that need to be broken,’” said Dee.

The ladies invited Dee to a Christian conference called God Chicks. The president of Mercy Ministries, Nancy Alcorn was a speaker at the event.

“She said something that changed my life. She said ‘I set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Choose life.’ And it hit me like a brick wall. I hadn’t realized that my whole life I had a choice and I knew that I had been choosing death. Because that’s what I thought I deserved. I’ve been an addict for 30 years and I’m literally at the end of my rope. I want to surrender to Jesus,” said Dee. 

Afterwards, Nancy led her in prayer. “Jesus I believe that You died for my sins and that I need You to be my Savior.  I believe in You and I’m going to follow You.”

Dee was 42, when she made that promise, and says from that moment on, her life has never been the same.

“First of all I knew God was real. There was no disputing. People knew right away. I called people right after that conference and they were like ‘What happened to you?  You sound different.’ My voice was different. I was different. I was so filled with the Holy Spirit. It was the best high of my life. And that was 2, 305 days ago and I have never done drugs again. Since that moment,” Dee explained. 

She also quit working as a dominatrix, and says as she grew in her faith, God also healed her from her sexual addiction.

“So Jesus did this thing for me that I could not do for myself. When I look back at that girl I used to be…I’m just so grateful. I’m so grateful that God saved me. I didn’t know I was worth saving. There is a God that loves you. He loves you more than anyone could love you and if you just focus on Him, He can heal you because I’m healed.”