A Marriage on the Rocks

“Wearing a mask to me is just putting on what people need to see at the time. Things are looking good on the outside, but Hope is still struggling and does not know why on the inside,” Hope said as she reflected on her years of trying to meet the expectations of others.

As the wife of a mega-church pastor, Hope felt intense pressure to keep up appearances. 

“I felt alone a lot in ministry because I felt like that I just wasn't worthy. So, I wouldn't portray that, because you've got to portray perfect,” Hope said.

Her husband, Pastor Ron Carpenter, didn’t know the extent of the pain that Hope kept hidden since her childhood, but he began to see a change in his wife as the years went on.

“I just saw some things that was kind of – they seemed odd. And they seemed like they weren't in keeping with the girl that I thought I knew,” Ron said.

Hope grew up in a Christian home, but often felt she was unable to meet the strict expectations of her parents.

“Gotta be good, be good, be the best, make the best grades, never be late, never do anything wrong. And if you did, there was dire consequences,” Hope said as she thought back on her childhood. “I felt uh, almost that it was impossible, you know, to live this Christian life.”

When Hope was 15, her parents allowed her to go on a date with a boy from school. That night he raped her.

“I was afraid to tell my parents, so I kept it in, just stuffed it down. I just began to question myself. I felt lonely,” Hope said with sad tremble in her voice.

Hope secretly carried the trauma for years. She eventually married Ron and together they founded Redemption Church, which grew to become a multisite mega-church with tens of thousands of members.

“Things are really moving at this point,” Hope recalled. “And on the inside I feel like I'm about to lose it. I've got to do something to make Hope feel okay. Hope's got to start making decisions. Hope's never been able to make decisions. I went out that day and I bought a two-piece bathing suit. Ooooh, you know, we couldn't do that. And I bought a six-pack of beer. And I went and put on the bathing suit and drank the beer. And for the first time in my life, 35-years-old, I felt so free. And that started a series of unhealthy choices in my life that went on for nine years just trying to figure out who I was.”

“Now we've deteriorated to me coming home and nobody's at home,” Ron said as he recounted Hope’s actions. “Well, I'd call her cellphone, nobody would answer and I'd finally get her at 11 o'clock at night, and she's in another state. So, I am dealing with a bit of ‘What in the world is going on with my wife?’” 

Hope’s new sense of freedom drove her to drink and party to numb her pain, but nothing she did removed the trauma of her youth and her double life eventually led to an affair.

“I remember in 2013 I couldn't do it anymore,” Hope said with a discouraged voice. “Ron and I'd been fighting and it just had gotten to a place, our children were really struggling. I was unfaithful to my husband and I told him and his response was ‘Okay, you've got 30 minutes, get your stuff and get out.’ I remember that devastated me because I thought, ‘Wow! He's been the one steady thing in my life.’”

“That was not because I didn't love her, she was the only woman I'll ever love,” Ron explained. “That was I can't live this way. Life with you is too painful.”

Ron announced his separation from Hope before the church body. Hope, regretting her actions, knew she needed healing and professional help. She moved into a Christian counseling center in North Carolina to begin the process of unraveling her years of trauma.

“And she began to remind me all of the traumatic events in my life,” Hope said as she described her time with the ministry counselor. “And she said, ‘You know, nobody's soul is made to bear that. And you've kept it in. You've not shared it.’ It took nine months digging into my heart. I found peace. I found answers.”

But she still felt broken because of her separation from Ron, so she prayed for restoration. Meanwhile, Ron struggled with God on his decision to leave Hope.

“I wrestled; I threw sheets off the bed,” Ron said as he described his turbulent night. “Just absolute hours and hours of turmoil. I'm sitting in the house by myself and I get the Bible and it said, ‘Love her as Christ loved the church...’ Ephesians 5. And then God said, ‘I want you to call your wife and tell her you will not abandon her.’ Man, that was like vinegar in my mouth, but I picked up that phone.”

“I went walking,” Hope recalled. “And the Holy Spirit spoke to me and said, ‘I'm going to give you strength to keep pressing.’ I turned around and then the pastor comes walking toward me and he said, ‘Ron has called.’"

Hope and Ron spoke for hours that night and committed to the challenge of restoring trust in their marriage. Hope later wrote a book about their experience – The Most Beautiful Disaster. Ron and Hope say that with God’s guidance their love now is stronger than ever.

“We went through personal counseling, we went through family counseling,” Ron said. “That was the long road – rebuilding trust. What is my life like today? I have a marriage that is healthy. I'm a happy man because we're healthy inside. I know God in a rich, new, and a deep way and I found out that all those sermons that I'd been preaching really do work.”

“Reconciliation was a process,” Hope said. “I was willing to do whatever it took. And I’m so grateful that I had a husband that loved me, that he showed me God's unconditional love. I just never imagined that I would be this whole. You know, we're not trying to strive for perfection, we just don't wear masks anymore.”