Seeing God’s Love Through Painter’s Eyes

“I remember the shame,” Vanessa Horabuena said while recalling the traumatic events of her youth. “Extreme loneliness and depression, feeling like nobody even cared. I didn’t know what it was like to have a day without feeling that loneliness and abandonment.”

Vanessa is an accomplished artist and speed painter who works to inspire hope and positivity through her passion for painting. However, her life growing up was anything but positive. Vanessa longed for a genuine relationship with her mother.

“She was dealing with the grief of losing her mom, which was really hard on her,” Vanessa said. “And then, also, her and my father’s relationship was not so great. She was a little more checked out, just emotionally not present. I had a hard time believing I was loved. I’d watch other parents with their children and I’d remember thinking, ‘Wow, I wish that was how my mom was with me.’”

The pain Vanessa felt was only compounded when, at 5-years-old, she suffered sexual abuse at the hands of certain family members.   

“I had a really, really low self-esteem,” Vanessa said. “It affected my view of men in a major way. I felt very on guard with men.”

The abuse was kept secret and continued periodically for years. Vanessa’s trauma eventually turned into anger as she started lashing out at her parents and getting into fights at school. Out of desperation, her mother sent Vanessa to a Christian youth camp when she was 13. There, she experienced the love of Jesus Christ.

“The first thing that really hit me was the encouragement,” Vanessa said about her time at the youth camp. “I just really responded very well, and I was like, ‘Wow, God’s people are amazing. If this is what God is like – I just love Him.’ I gave my life to the Lord and totally came back a different person.”

Vanessa stopped fighting and put her energy into learning more about God. Her passion for art also developed during this time. Inspired by an older sister and cartoons like the Lion King, Vanessa started drawing.

“I would feel centered,” Vanessa said about drawing pictures. “It was just a very personal, peaceful experience – expressing how I was feeling or things that I really enjoyed through art.”

Just as Vanessa’s attitude and morale began to improve, her home life took a turn for the worse. Her father was caught in an extra marital affair and her mother left the house as a result. The split hurt Vanessa deeply.

“It was very difficult for me,” Vanessa said about her parent’s separation and eventual divorce. “I had this relationship with God, and yet I was, you know, struggling with depression and I attempted suicide at the age of 16. I felt a sense of hopelessness.”

Vanessa survived her suicide attempt and then went to live with various family members and friends. In spite of everything, she still loved God and eventually got involved in local outreach ministry. That’s when the emotional and sexual trauma of her past began to turn into something else.

“I was 19-years-old when I started to struggle with my sexuality,” Vanessa said. “I felt safer with women than I felt with men. That was a difficult thing for me. I remember feeling so sad to know that I was disqualified from living out my life for God.”

Vanessa made sure not to tell anyone. She isolated herself, stopped her ministry work and gave up on art for eight years until she couldn’t take it anymore.

“I hit a rock bottom where I just was like I need to get counseling,” Vanessa said. “So, I went to counseling with one of my senior pastors. I started to understand just by talking to him where things were coming from for the first time.”

The pastor reminded Vanessa of God’s endless love and compassion.

“I realized that God was gentle and kind and that He was going to walk me through it,” Vanessa said. “It was amazing because I didn’t leave feeling shame. I left feeling empowered and free. I felt light.”

She was also encouraged to pick up her art again, and not just drawing, but to try painting as well.

“So I went home and I set up my easel, I set up my paints, and in two-and-a-half hours I had finished my first painting,” Vanessa said. “That’s how that-that gift just came flowing back into my life. I was like, ‘I am a painter and I love it.’”

Vanessa continued to attend counseling and says she overcame the same sex attraction she fought with for years and is now comfortable around men. She also reconciled with her parents who restored their marriage and became born again Christians. For the past nine years, Vanessa has pursued a successful career as an artist painting Christ-themed pieces. She speed paints at events across the country while listening to worship music. Vanessa says it was only God who was able to heal her wounds and give her life purpose.    

“He’s brought me through,” Vanessa said about God’s guiding influence in her life. “I no longer have the same struggles that I used to. I know that I am loved by God. To be in His will, to be in relationship with the Lord, is the ultimate fulfillment in life. When I worship God, it’s my relationship with God on display. People will say, ‘I felt the Holy Spirit uh when you were painting.’ I could never thank the Lord enough for all that He’s done, but every day I do the best that I can to just love on Him and show Him that.”