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Once Desperate to Die, Now Joyful and Free

“I remember that I loved him as much as I feared him,” said Emily. “I had a sober, friendly, happier dad, and then I had the dad that was very angry, rageaholic after he would have a few drinks.”

Growing up in eastern Pennsylvania in the mid-70s, Emily Myer’s learned to walk on eggshells around her dad.

“There was an overwhelming sense of fear. I wanted my dad's love and affection and attention and so because it was only negative attention, I took what I could get,” admitted Emily. “I spent my whole life running from my childhood and then eventually running from myself.”

Broken relationships, promiscuity and booze, fueled her teen years and early 20s.

“Another bad relationship, another friendship failed, another job failed.  It's just piling on the shame and the regret and the guilt and it just gets to a boiling point,” Emily admitted. “It was a profound emptiness and I had no idea what I was missing.”

At age 20, convinced life wasn’t worth living, Emily picked up a knife.

“If I could just get the jugular vein, I would be able to kill myself,” Emily planned. “A very deep slice to the right side of my neck and I had raised the knife to do a second one, and (then) the door to the apartment opened. And the knife fell from my hand and in walked the boyfriend. It's a very strange thing to be interrupted in such a despairing moment.”

Emily’s boyfriend drove her to the hospital where she was treated and released. Later, she decided to see a therapist.

“And she (the therapist) said, ‘if we can get you to learn how to love yourself, you'll be happier.’  And I bought that,” said Emily. “Years later, I did not love myself any more than when I first went in there. I still had the same heart and the same problems.”

For 16 years she remained as fear-driven and alcohol-filled as before. But with one addition along the way – her daughter.

“I was in an exclusive relationship closer to two years, when I discovered I was pregnant.” Emily continued, “That was my whole purpose of being alive on earth is to raise this little baby and it distracted me for a while from the other problems I had.”

But when the stresses of motherhood mixed with her own baggage, Emily became a full-blown alcoholic. Her thoughts grew darker and darker - then, she lost her job.

“I was quickly running out of options and my ship was sinking,” Emily said exasperated. “I was driving my daughter to the park one day and I looked at her in the backseat, and I felt like a failure as a mom.  And I made a decision in May of 2012, to take my daughter's life and then mine.

“I could not accept that she would be raised knowing that her mom committed suicide,” explained Emily. “It was the darkest, it was, it was bad (crying).”

But her plans took a turn when a chance meeting with a kind neighbor ended with an invite to church. There, a man told his story of how Jesus saved his life. Then, he (the man) asked a question.

"‘If you were to die in a car accident tonight, why should God let you into Heaven, His Heaven.’ And I gave the answer a lot of people might give, "I hope I'm going to Heaven. I mean, I never killed anybody,’" Emily justified. “But it didn't matter.  What mattered was, that Christ was not my savior.  He did not live in my heart. I came face to face with the truth, and the truth is the Lord Jesus Christ.”

That night, Emily prayed for salvation.

"‘Wow, I still have these same problems,’ but I felt hope for the very first time,” smiled Emily. “If I was willing to accept the Lord Jesus as my Savior, I could be free from the bondage of sin, free from the bondage of alcohol and free from the bondage of shame.”

With God’s help, Emily overcame her alcoholism, suicidal thoughts and fear. She also reconciled with her parents.

“Many times, I tried to forgive my dad and I always wondered why I couldn’t do it,” questioned Emily. “Well after receiving Christ’s forgiveness, I finally had it to give. So now I have this forgiveness for my parents and it was immediate.”

Today, she is happily married, is a joyful mother and a proud believer in Christ.

“When I received the Lord as my Savior,” continued Emily, “I had a profound sense of acceptance that the King of the universe, the God who made me, accepted me as His child. “I was just ashes when I came to Christ and He has made something beautiful from ashes.”

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