- Arleen Spenceley, thank you so much
for being here with usand really being a part
of our campaign called Unhooked:Holy in a Hookup World.
So you decided to go public
with your choice to stay abstinent.
- Yeah, you could say that.
- Okay, so tell me about that.
- So yeah, when I was 23,
I had just started workingfor the Tampa Bay Times,
which is Florida's largest newspaper,
and pretty early on inthat time of my life,
I had started dating a guy
who did not define sex the same way I do.
He was not a Christian, like I am.
And back then I had adifferent set of standards.
I didn't really think much
about whether I should sharevalues with the guy I date.
I just thought, hey, he's cute.Let's see if it will work.
And the further we gotinto our relationship,
the clearer it became to me
that he was not okay withsaving sex for marriage
and that had been my plan.
So I ended up ending this relationship.
And afterward I realizedthat if this one random guy
that I happened to date doesn't understand
why I'm saving sex,
then probably a bunch ofother people on this planet
don't understand that decision either.
And so I decided, you know what?
I work for the largestnewspaper in the state,
I'm gonna take advantage of that
and tell people what this is all about.
And so I wrote this essay,
"Why I'm Still a Virgin at Age 23."
The feedback that I got was nothing
that I even ever anticipated,but as it turned out,
people really needed to talkabout the virtue of chastity.
So if chastity is a virtue,
then it's a decision youmake every day over and over
to do the right thing regarding sex
because all of us, single or married,
are called to do theright thing regarding sex.
And as a single person,part of that is abstinence
because of what I believe sex is.
Sex is a sacred physical sign of the vows
that a husband and wife took on the altar
where they were married.
It's the expression of the unity
that is actually achieved by matrimony.
And so if I'm not married,then sex is simply not for me.
- So how do you think someone who maybe
has had a past that isn't pure,
how can they start being abstinent
and really unhooking themselvesfrom the hookup world?
- Yeah, so that's the beautyof the virtue of chastity.
You can start today.
It's not necessary to havealways been chased in the past.
You can start practicing that virtue now.
And there are some differentthings that I would recommend
to people who are new to this way of life.
And one of them is to surround yourself
with a community of peoplewho can support you in this.
Do not vent about it tofriends who don't practice it.
You want instead tovent about it to friends
who are better at it than you are
because they're going to beable to help you to get through
what you're going throughwhen it's difficult.
Sometimes you see a personyou're interested in
and you don't know anything about them
and you begin to pursue this relationship
and very quickly, it becomes clear to you,
this person doesn'tlove Jesus the way I do,
this person doesn't havethe same values that I do.
The problem is we haven'tthought critically
because we're entering these relationships
without ever askingimportant questions like,
does this relationship help
or hurt my relationship with Christ?
Does this relationship
make meeting my goalseasier as a Christian
or does it make meetingmy goals more difficult?
And if we start to thinkcritically and ask those questions,
we start to discern more clearly
whether we should or shouldn'tenter certain relationships.
- So does practicing chastitymake dating more difficult?
- Yeah.
- How does it make it more difficult?
And if it does make dating more difficult,
where is the hope?
- It makes the pool of people
you can pick from much, much smaller.
And so sometimes it takes a lot longer
to meet someone who meets your standards,
and that I think is where a lot of people
start to lose hope.
People start to think, I'mnever gonna meet somebody
who believes what I do,who loves Jesus like I do,
who can live the kind of life I would want
to live with them.
And so they begin to lower their standards
and they begin to settle for relationships
that are not as healthy
or as holy as God would want for them.
And so, yes, sexualdesire will arise in us
and it's important tolisten to it and to say,
"Hey, I find myselfattracted to this person.
Is this something I should act on?
Could this be the personthat God wants me to marry
in the end?"
But sometimes in our culture,
and by sometimes I mean 98.9% of the time,
people misuse sexual desire.
They don't see it as a reasonto turn towards somebody else
and will their good.
They see it as an opportunityto will their own good
by using somebody elseto satisfy those desires.
But there is hope andthrough the grace of God
it is possible to practice chastity
and I'm living proof of that.
- Well, Arlene, thank you,seriously thank you so much
for just allowing me to talk to you.
I know your words of adviceare gonna touch a lot of people
so thank you.
- Thank you so much. I appreciate it.
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