Feeling Lost In-Between

Millions of people find themselves in the complex and often discouraging position. With aging parents on one side, and children on the other, it is easy to feel squeezed in the middle.

Not only are you squeezed by the demands and challenges of aging parents and children facing college and other costs, but you’re beginning to feel the changing demands of mid-life. You don’t have the energy you once had, and the bounce you once felt may be gone. 

If you’re facing mid-life, it’s likely you’ve also felt some other issues, such as health challenges, financial setbacks, marriage difficulties or possibly even divorce. You’ve faced career changes, moves, as well as the loss of friendships. Perhaps even your spiritual life has changed in ways you didn’t anticipate. 

With all of these challenges and changes, and few road maps on how to cope, it’s easy to feel lost in-between everything and everyone. It’s easy to lose your focus, your dreams and perhaps even your desires. 

A middle-aged woman wrote to me recently experiencing significant distress at the excessive demands in her life. 

Dear Dr. David. I am a forty-five year old woman who is in the middle of a crisis. It seems that I’ve spent the last five years coping with one loss after another, and it’s starting to get to me. 

My father died suddenly five years ago from a heart attack, and then just a year later my mother began having more physical problems, demanding more of my attention. I experienced an unwanted divorce and haven’t coped well with being single. I’ve also had trouble coping with the demands of my teenage children, and then the financial concerns about them going to college. Sometimes it seems like life has lost all of its joys. 

Another sad thing is that my spiritual life seems to have dried up. I don’t get the same pleasure out of attending church that I used to get when I was married and raising a young family. Is what I’m going through normal? How do I find time for me when my mother needs me, my teenagers need me, and my job is demanding? I’m wondering if I’m depressed, though I’ve never been a depressive type of person. What are your thoughts about regaining the zest I’ve lost in my life? I’m tired and wondering if this is all there is going to be to life. 

There are many clues in this letter as to the problem this woman is facing, as well as some possibilities for answers.

Let’s review her situation.

First, she has many losses. Her father died unexpectedly, her mother became sick with increasing needs, and she experienced an unwanted divorce. She has struggled with being single and loneliness may be a real issue. These losses are serious and are enough to explain some of her challenges. 

Second, she feels wedged between the demands of her mother and those of her children. She seems to have little time for herself and appears focused on work and meeting the needs of others. What does she do to take care of herself? 

Finally, she has lost the vibrancy of her faith. We know that our spiritual faith is important for many reasons, one of which is to give us meaning and purpose in life. Without her faith, and the fellowship she once experienced, she really is floating alone in a sea of worries. 

This woman echoes the sentiments of others I’ve talked to facing mid-life adjustments. Just when they’re ready to coast a bit, having nearly raised their children and achieved some level of financial stability, many are taken off guard with aging parents, demanding teenagers, unwanted divorces, job challenges, spiritual changes and perhaps even financial setbacks. Any one of these is enough to throw us off course, not to mention all of them at once. 

Can this woman find joy again? Absolutely. Does she have to feel lost between the demands of others? No! What will it take for her to reclaim her life, and face it with the zest she once had? I have several ideas. 

First, she must fully grieve her losses. This takes time and “grief-work,” where she fully appreciates and talks about the losses she has experienced. This is best done in a group with others sharing the same kinds of losses. The support she will receive from a Divorce Support Group, and perhaps Singles ministry, can be enormous. 

She must remember, also, that grief takes time. The larger the loss, the longer the recovery time. She must not expect herself to bounce back quickly. 

Second, she must take time for herself. In between the demands of her children and those of her mother, she must carve out time for herself. Are there others who can help meet the needs of her mother? Can she reach out for help from siblings? Taking time for herself is not a luxury, but a necessity. We all need special times and places to recharge our batteries. 

Third, she can find ways to renew her spiritual faith. Many experience times of spiritual dryness in their lives, and actually experience changes in how they prefer to worship. Some move from being charismatic to being contemplative, while others move from being contemplative to being charismatic. Some explore and discover new ways to pray and experience the presence of God. Our spiritual faith is a journey, not a destination. 

Fourth, she needs to go on a hunt for the missing “juice” in her life. Meeting the needs of others for years has left her dry.

But, there are still opportunities facing her if she will be open to them. There are possibilities for love again, perhaps travel, certainly new friendships. This is not a time to curl up and die, but reach out and thrive. It’s a time to take chances, risk adventure, seek possibilities. 

Finally, she may need counseling. There are times in each of our lives when friends are not enough. The challenges are so great as to overwhelm our coping strategies. A psychologist or therapist can offer a fresh perspective, pointing out self-defeating patterns. She may need medication to assist her in rebounding. 

Have you experienced times of “dryness” in your life? Have you felt squeezed between the demands of parents, children and others in your life, only to find yourself squeezed out? How did you solve the problem? We’d love to hear from you.