Purposeful Pursuit
From Lee:
The idea of entering a relationship for the sole purpose of marriage is a foreign concept in the 21st century—especially in the Western world. We’ve thrown off the old ways and embraced the modern notion of dating for the mere sake of it and it has left women hurt and confused by men who are too often perpetual adolescents in grown up bodies who never feel the need to find a suitable mate because nobody expects them to.
Before you call me a hypocrite, I admit I’m guilty. I had no idea I was guilty until recently, but you know what they say about being ignorant of the law (or the truth); it’s not a legitimate excuse. I’m making efforts to change, so bear with me.
You can probably tell by now that Julie and I are not big fans of the modern dating process. One of the major problems with it is a lack of intent. Void of any clear direction from the start, the dating process wanders along (sometimes for years) until it falls apart because a “better” opportunity comes along or until one person (usually the woman) gives up hope of it ever progressing “to the next level.”
Courtship is radically different. The stated intention of courtship is for it to end in marriage. It doesn’t have to, and certainly many times it doesn’t due to a lack of compatibility, but at least both parties know the plan up front. The woman knows that the man is serious about marriage while the man attempts to win her heart and then her hand in marriage.
If you don’t like the term “courtship,” that’s fine. Don’t use it. You won’t find the term in the Bible, but you will find the concept there. Julie and I have covered this in the past couple of posts. So, if you are with us in spirit, then let’s move on and look at practical ways to purposely pursue marriage:
1. Purposeful Dating. Rather than passively allowing your dating relationship to meander without direction, state your desire for marriage as early as possible. You aren’t telling the other person that you want to marry him or her; instead you are telling that person you are actively seeking marriage, period. Letting the other person know this upfront could save both of you a lot of time and heartache. I don’t see any problem with men or women initiating this conversation. The goal should be to move the relationship toward courtship and then marriage.
2. Calling. If you are a fan of Jane Austen, then you are familiar with the practice of calling, the basics of which are this: an agent (father, friend, spiritual leader) lets prospective men know about the woman who desires marriage and the agent invites men to “come calling” hoping that one of the calls will lead to courtship and then marriage. In Austen’s Pride and Prejudice you probably remember that after some prodding by his wife, Mr. Bennett (who had five daughters) called on Mr. Bingley. When Mr. Bingley returned his call, Mr. Bennett let Mr. Bingley know that his daughters were eligible for marriage. Again, if the term “calling” freaks you out, then don’t use it. If you are a female, you could simply tell a trusted agent to let prospects know about your availability and if the prospects are interested, then they should come calling for a more extended conversation with the agent first, and then the woman if she so desires. If you are a male, you could approach an agent for a woman you are interested in.
3. A Christian dating service (either traditional or online). I understand the reservations people have about dating services—especially online dating services. But hear me out. In a sense, the dating service becomes your agent to connect you with prospective spouses. Using such a service makes it easy to be clear upfront that you are only looking for marriage, not a long-term dating relationship that isn’t headed toward courtship and ultimately marriage. Of course, enforcing that idea falls more on your shoulders than if you had a real, live agent, but if you can handle it, then it’s a viable option. Just make sure you take all of the necessary precautions when meeting someone new.
None of these are specific formulas for finding a spouse. Instead, they are methods that can give you an active role in pursing marriage. I’m not nixing the idea of finding a prospective spouse in the supermarket, Barnes & Noble, or Blockbuster. God can do anything he wants to do. I just don’t want you to spend your entire life waiting in the chick flick aisle at Blockbuster for it to happen.