Speaking from a Calm Place

I've spoken to my wife more often than I'd like to admit from a place of irritation, hurt, or agitation. That is not uncommon for any of us, I know. Yet, later, when I've had a chance to reflect on my words, I often wish I had waited a while before saying what I wanted to say.

The critical thing is to speak from a calm place. Whatever it takes to get you there—be it prayer, exercise, journaling—will help you speak more clearly and effectively. Scripture tells us, "The one who has knowledge uses words with restraint, and whoever has understanding is even-tempered." (Proverbs 17:27)

I watched Laura grow pale as her husband of three years, Jeff, stonewalled her. He sat rigid and silent as she asked him sensitive questions about their marriage.

Laura was 37 years old, vivacious and lively. Both she and Jeff had been married before. She hoped this marriage would go better, but so far she had been bitterly disappointed.

"I want to believe that he won't cheat on me like my ex-husband did, but I don't know if I can trust him."

Jeff shrugged, but after a few moments he opened up.

"I haven't done anything wrong," he spat defensively. "I can't believe she's even questioning my faithfulness. She's comparing me to her ex and I don't deserve that."

"But, you don't tell me where you're going or when you'll be back," Laura said. "How do I know exactly what you're doing? After all..." her voice trailed off.

"After all, what?" I asked.

"Oh, I don't know," she said, looking down.

"I really don't know," she said again. Laura looked very sad, but each time we had asked her during the Marriage Intensive if she was sad, she'd denied it. She shared how her faith had helped her heal from the pain of her previous marriage and disappointments in her current one.

Jeff was looking away as well. It seemed that both had learned how to fight, flee, or freeze, but had never learned the art of flow—the art of mutually sharing feelings in a safe, calm place, in a way where both care and are concerned with what the other is feeling and thinking.

I noted her tendency to disappear before saying what she really wanted to say. I commented on how she seemed to withdraw into herself, only to come out fighting moments later. She lacked the ability, however, to share from her Core Self, where she was calm, clear, compassionate, and courageous.

"Jeff," I asked, "do you encourage Laura to share her feelings? Do you encourage her to talk about what she needs and wants from this marriage? Do you know why she is so distrusting?"

"I have some ideas," he said haltingly. "But, I don't know for sure. We usually fight or withdraw from each other. We don't talk like we're talking here."

"I didn't think so," I said. "But, talking about your feelings and what you need from each other is the only way to real connection. By letting your mate know you care what is happening to them and within them. How about if we practice that? I'd like to teach you more about flow." I shared the following with them.

1. Healthy relationships require safety.

We will not share feelings if we do not feel safe and trusting. We must feel safe from feeling judged, ridiculed, or blamed. To keep the communication safe, we must manage our emotions, creating a space of calm, maintain good eye contact, monitor our tone of voice, and express our sincere interest in what our mate needs to say.

2. Healthy relationships require compassion.

Scripture is clear about the importance of compassion. "To sum it up, all of you be harmonious, sympathetic, brotherly, kindhearted and humble in spirit." (I Peter 3:8) These qualities form the basis of compassion and create a safe and effective atmosphere for flow.

3. Healthy relationships require humility.

No relationship lasts long if one person attempts to compete or 'win' over the other. The couple must believe that each is in the relationship to enhance the best of the other. They need to believe there will be self-sacrifice for the well-being of the other. Power struggles sabotage flow in communication.

4. Healthy relationships require openness.

There is no substitute for relationship transparency. Intimacy--"into me see"--requires self-disclosure. There can be no flow in communication without the willingness, and ease, of openness. Each partner is excited to share the joys and challenges of the day with their mate.

5. Healthy relationships require connection.

Connection is the result of a joyful relationship built upon trust, safety, compassion, interest in the other, humility, and openness. Someone has said that we need to "feel at home" in the presence of another who knows and gets us. As we build this history with another, we build a strong and vibrant connection that results in flow.

Are you even-tempered? Are you able to share with your mate in a calm, clear manner? We are here to help. Please go to our website, www.marriagerecoverycenter.com, to discover more information about this, as well as, the free downloadable eBook, A Love Life of Your Dreams, including other free videos and articles. Please feel free to email me and also read more about The Marriage Recovery Center on our website. You'll find videos and podcasts on sexual addiction, emotionally destructive marriages, codependency, and affair-proofing your marriage.