Now Performing! 'Magic Mitch' and The Great Health Care Escape

Now Performing! 'Magic Mitch' and The Great Health Care Escape

05-09-2017
Mitch McConnell

Have you heard about the big magic show coming to DC? It's going to be playing an exclusive engagement the next few months up near Capitol Hill.

And the magician? Oh my!  He is about to attempt something that will amaze everyone in America! This will be way better than pulling a bunny out of a hat or sawing someone in half. Please! That's child's play compared to what this magician will be attempting to do.

Meet Magic Mitch and The Great Health Care Escape!

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell has been classically trained for decades. He knows this terrain like the back roads of his home state of Kentucky. If anybody can pull it off, Magic Mitch can! The magical act goes as follows:

Magic Mitch will attempt to locate 50 Republican members of the United States Senate and somehow, someway get them to vote in favor a Republican health care bill. Sounds easy on the surface right? Hardly!

You see, these Republicans are all divided into different corners of one room. Magic Mitch will need to figure out how to get 50 of them into the "Yes Circle," which resides in the middle of the room.

To make matters even trickier, the room is spinning continually, ever changing, so Magic Mitch will need to figure out each side of the Republican gravitational pull.

Oh, and then there's this: The room is also slanted. Some of these Republicans are making the room tilt right; others are making it tilt more left.  

Finally, if that's not hard enough: Underneath the floor of the room is quicksand! If the right, delicate balance isn't struck on the floor inside the room, then the actual floor opens up and everyone is gobbled up! The Great Health Care Escape would fail and all that would be left is a guy by the name of Mr. Trump, who actually owns the rights to the magic show (of course he does).

He would then exclaim, "Magic Mitch, what in the world happened?" (Actually, he may not say it so nice like that). Magic Mitch, who is now trapped in quicksand would shout back, "Mr. Trump, I tried! I really tried!"

Here's the good news for Magic Mitch. The scenario only ends badly IF "the right, delicate balance isn't struck on the floor inside the room."

Luckily for Magic Mitch and the Republican Party, he's been at this game a long time and knows all the procedural ins and outs of how to get the magic trick accomplished. There's nobody better at it. He has a PhD in "Herding Cats."

So what is the prediction? Against all odds, Magic Mitch figures out a way to become the next great Harry Houdini and he pulls off The Great Health Care Escape. Mr. Trump is happy. He tweets happy thoughts. Maybe he even celebrates with Magic Mitch in a place called the Rose Garden.  

Oh, and then it goes back to the House. Oy-gevalt. That's a whole other magic act.

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