Prolonged Silence Leads to Brooding Resentment

I have found that it is critical to hold people responsible for their actions. This is not to rub their nose in their offenses, but to see it squarely for what it is and an expectation of remorse that leads to change. Scripture says, “Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation.” (2 Corinthians 7:10)

Jerry seemed to be sorry. A dam had burst and with it had come hurtful venom. As we held him firmly responsible, however, he realized that Lily would not tolerate such behavior. He realized that to move forward he must take responsibility for this eruption and the resentment he had been harboring. To his credit, he did just that.
   
I spent the next hour talking to Jerry alone. I listened to his aching pain from an abusive childhood. I listened as he shared of his rejection in his first marriage and current unbearable loneliness in his marriage. He cried and let loose a mountain of pain.
   
He was now ready to really work with Lily. Here are some insights from his work that may help you as well.
     
First, silence solves nothing.

In fact, silence tends to make matters worse. This is not to say that brief ‘time outs’ are not helpful because they can be used effectively to take the heat out of a situation. But prolonged silence only worsens a matter. Stony silences are usually fueled by pride; this will not serve you or your relationship. 
   
Second, prolonged silence tends to lead to brooding resentment.

If we are not using the time constructively to work on our issues, we tend to rehearse perceived slights. We ‘play the victim,’ thinking the worst about our mate. This brooding leads to bad moods, something I call ‘temporary insanity.’ Rather than being marked by insight and healthy reflection, brooding resentment leads to further distortion and distance.
   
Third, we must communicate. 

Healthy couples talk. They share their hearts, not their attitudes. They listen and acknowledge truths spoken by their mates. Not only do they talk, but they talk effectively and compassionately. They share their feelings in a healthy format, listening to their mate and solving problems. They don’t regurgitate old matters, but rather collaborate to bring resolution to a situation.
   
Fourth, both must bring a healthy dose of humility.

There is no place for self-righteous rants. Parental positioning is out. Being ‘right’ is being ‘wrong’ because there are no winners in a ‘Courtroom Relationship.’ Narrow points of view give way to grander perspectives. As Lily said on our last day, “We have to take less and give more.” How true!

Finally, always seek to understand your mate.

Someone has said that if we truly understand another there will be no fighting. Understanding takes giving up stony silence in favor of caring connection, building bridges of connection instead of walls of distance and detachment. We let go of narrow self-righteous indignation in favor of a broader view, allowing us to see and touch our mate.

Which is better, connection or separation? The choice is easy. Are you experiencing stony silence? Do you long for caring connection? We are here to help. Please go to our website, www.marriagerecoverycenter.com and discover more information about this as well as the free downloadable eBook, A Love Life of Your Dreams, including other free videos and articles.  Please send responses to me at drdavid@marriagerecoverycenter.com and also read more about The Marriage Recovery Center on our website. You’ll find videos and podcasts on sexual addiction, emotionally destructive marriages, codependency and affair-proofing your marriage.