Mothers and Daughters: Negotiating Boundaries and Expectations

I am a mom and will be celebrating Mother’s Day with my immediate family. It will be a good day. But when your mom has passed, Mother’s Day isn’t quite the same. I will still miss calling my mom, sending her flowers and being together.

Between the moments of sadness, I do have a peace that I worked hard at our relationship and made it the best I could. I wish that for all of you. When your mother is no longer with you, I hope every one of you can say you worked it hard to make it the best relationship possible.

If you are not quite there yet, let me offer a little advice taken from my I Love My Mother But… book.

One of the common areas of tension involves boundaries between mothers and daughters. Boundaries are important because mothers and daughters often have different expectations about their relationship. Mothers tend to want more time and attention than their adults daughters can or are willing to give. Therefore, boundaries need to be negotiated and set.

Establish a time to have a conversation with your mom that begins like this, “Mom, let’s talk about what you expect from me and what I expect from you, given our lives and all that is in them.” Try to come to an agreement and then work on putting that agreement into practice.

Instead of becoming angry and defensive when the agreement is broken, revisit it.  For example, “Mom, remember, you weren’t going to do that.” Then, when the agreement works, positively note the change and willingness to work together. It takes time and intention to change family behaviors and patterns.

When an expectation seems unrealistic, you will need to be assertive and clarify the expectation. Keep in mind that daughters often have unrealistic expectations of their mothers. Daughters want moms to be all-knowing, all nurturing and meet every need. When moms fall short (and they will because these are impossible tasks), daughters become upset and irritable. Rather than complain and feel bad, ask yourself, are you expecting too much? It may be that only God can meet your expectation of complete unconditional love, anticipating your needs every day.

Clarifying expectations and setting boundaries go a long way to establishing a healthy mother-daughter relationship. It takes conversation and negotiating but is so worth the effort. When the mother-daughter relationship is healthy, it can be one of the most enjoyable relationships in your life!

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!

Dr. Linda Mintle is a licensed marriage and family therapist, the author of 15 books including, I Love My Mother But…. For more advice on mothers and daughters, get a copy of her book. It is filled with practical help to strengthen this important relationship.