Dealing with Delicate Issues

We just completed an amazing Marriage Intensive in which a couple, currently separated, made so much progress that we are certain they will be reconciling soon.

As you can imagine, this couple, Tom and Cassie, were in serious trouble when they arrived. Married for 10 years with two young children, they never expected to be in this situation. It was with tremendous sadness that Cassie asked Tom to leave their home following months of fighting.

“We simply couldn’t quit fighting,” Cassie said sadly, the strain of the past few months evident. She began to cry.

Tom stiffened in response to her tears.

“This is not a one-way street,” he said bristling. “I’m not happy about her asking me to leave. Actually, telling me to leave. We could have fixed things with me still in the home. I miss you and the kids.”

We had seen this before. One mate reaches their limit and asks for a separation, creating even more wounds to their relationship.

“I didn’t want to do it Tom,” Cassie said. “I think it took this to get us to a point of intense counseling.”

“Slow down folks,” I said. “You both have been through a lot and you both are going to get a chance to talk about what you’ve been through. But, we have to create a sanctuary in which you can talk about the issues that led to the separation.”

“A sanctuary?” Cassie asked. “What is that?”

“I’m glad you asked,” I said. “A sanctuary is a place, not unlike the sanctuary of a church, where we act different. We treat each other with utmost respect. We treat topics sensitively and with calm. We speak slowly, carefully and caringly.”

“That would be different for us,” Tom said. “We’re not used to talking like that.”

We proceeded to lay out some guidelines that many have found useful for dealing with delicate issues.

1. Agree to create an emotional sanctuary for sensitive topics.

This means that you acknowledge to each other that you are preparing to talk about ‘raw spots’ where either of you could get your feelings hurt more easily. Given the sensitivity of the subject matter, you agree to create an emotional space within yourself for this conversation.

2. Agree that both of you have had your feelings hurt—not just one of you.

Because both of you have had your feelings hurt, you both have greater sensitivity to issues. That means you must create an emotional ‘bubble’ where you proceed cautiously. You will guard your mate’s emotional sanctuary as much as you guard your own.

3. Agree to start and end slowly.

Studies have shown that the way a conversation begins is often the way it ends. If you start out with a great deal of emotion and tension, things are likely to end up that way as well. So, start slow and easy. Remind yourself of the ‘sanctuary calm.’

4. Agree to follow the same principles as if you were literally in a church sanctuary.

Let the image of a church sanctuary help you create an emotional space of safety and protection. Picture a place of quiet, reverence and deep respect. Listen carefully, much as you might in a church sanctuary.

5. Agree to manage your mindset, keeping in mind that you are on the same team and want the same outcome.

It does no good to become adversarial. Make requests instead of complaints. Show honor to your mate and seek good for both of you. Listening deeply and respectfully will help your mate do the same for you.

Near the end of the Marriage Intensive Tom came up with an idea I want to pass along to you.

“We’ve decided to have a Sanctuary Room at our house,” Tom said. “We want a special place where we sit and talk out tough issues, knowing that if we can manage our emotions, seek the welfare of our mate and follow biblical principles, we’re going to do a lot better. For now we’re going to set aside a special place to do that, though down the road we hope to carry the sanctuary around within us.”

“Great idea,” I said. “Mind if I steal the idea?”

“Go for it,” he said smiling.