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Marriage 911 11/02/15

The Art of Staying Married!

Happy elderly couple

“Life is difficult,” Scott Peck said some time ago in his best-seller, The Road Less Traveled. He could have said, “Staying married is difficult,” or “Relating is difficult.” We all know this to be true.

Yes, it’s true. Divorce rates continue to rise, anywhere from 40-60 percent, depending on what source you read. There is little question that many seem to have little stick-to-itiveness when it comes to the work of marriage.

Anyone who has been married knows why. You know it’s not always Easy Street, and the grass always looks greener somewhere else during the tough times. Divorce is easily attained; the stigma against it seems to have lessened. You may be at one of those more difficult times when you’re wondering if you should remain in your marriage.

While ‘getting out’ may be easier, the grass is NOT greener on the other side of the street. So, wise words indicate, ‘Water your own lawn.’ There is an art to staying married and those that have persisted in this endeavor often say it is worth the effort.

As a Marriage Specialist and Clinical Psychologist, I receive calls every day from people wondering why they should hang in there. Their prayers seem to have bounced off the ceiling, and they remain stuck in a loveless marriage.

But, it doesn’t need to be this way.

I’m not offering simple solutions to complex problems. What I offer are words of encouragement. We are reminded that things are not always as dire as they seem. Seasons of isolation don’t need to turn into years of regret and heartache. The bridge between hopelessness and hope is not always as long as it seems.

Scripture reminds us of God’s design for marriage: “And the two are united into one” (Mark 10:8). There is power and hope in these words. When we live by God’s standards and design, we enjoy unparalleled closeness and intimacy. We are literally “one flesh.” We live to mutually serve one another, enjoying connection with our mate.

What are a few steps toward enjoying this closeness? Here are five steps to practice that will reap rich rewards in your marriage.
   
First, take time for each other.

Even as I write these words my wife, Christie and I are enjoying a time away. Being water people, we find refreshment in being near the water. And so we are in our favorite hotel near the salt water in Northwest Washington. We have visited family, slept in and now enjoy ‘lounging’ with each other. We are connecting in a stress-free environment. I highly recommend it, if even for short periods of time.

Second, offer tenderness to each other.

We’ve sadly forgotten the art of kindness, both random acts and more intentional displays that are meant to meet our mate’s deepest needs. We cry out for love and affection, and yet seem to withhold giving it. Don’t. Give your mate loads of affection, kindness, words and actions that convey tenderness. Your marriage is fragile—handle with care.

Third, offer encouragement.

We are all desperate for words of encouragement amidst times of loss, uncertainty and discouragement. Scripture tells us to, “Therefore, encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing” (1 Thessalonians 5:11).

Fourth, make quick repairs to your marriage.

Speak words of apology. When you have wronged your mate, be quick to say those magical words, “I’m sorry. I was wrong.” Make no excuse for your actions. Simply acknowledge your wrongdoing and vow to rectify the situation.

Finally, speak truth when your feelings have been hurt.

Take your mate aside and share how your feelings have been hurt. Do not expect anything in return. Only speak your truth in a respectful way. If they offer an apology, great. If not, you will have spoken truth into your marriage.

In summary, this is your marriage, and you are responsible for keeping it strong. No one else is going to do it for you. It will not remain strong and vibrant on its own, but rather requires upkeep and constant renewal. God is for you and certainly for your marriage. Maintaining a right relationship with Him will offer strength enough for this journey. Be part of a growing number of people who reiterate the vow, “We still do!”

I’d like to hear from you. Have you struggled to receive constructive criticism? Would you like to be more emotionally available to hearing concerns?  Please explore more about my work and specifically my Marriage Intensives at www.MarriageRecoveryCenter.com. Send comments and questions to me at drdavid@marriagerecoverycenter.com.

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