He Won’t Listen to Me!

Have you ever searched for a certain station on the radio? Moving through the frequencies, you hear static and noise. The message or music fades in and out until I finally hit just the right frequency, and then the communication is crystal clear. 

Communication with our mate is much like that—in fact, psychologists have labeled this process attunement. They’ve discovered that parents and children who are not attuned to one another experience a lack of attunement, creating a lack of attachment. Detached and disconnected, these children suffer for years.

I hear these same complaints in my counseling practice. Many women feel that their husbands are not tuned in to their feelings. It’s not that they feel completely neglected, though that is sometimes the case. More often, it is a matter of feeling detached, distanced from their husbands. They complain of not having their husband’s attention. Distracted by the television, work, sports or any number of other “interferences,” men and women don’t feel they are on the same frequency. Like the radio, this results in garbled messages, static and discouragement. 

 One woman wrote to me about this problem. 

Dear Dr. David. I am sick and tired of carrying the responsibility for intimacy in my marriage. I’ve been married to a nice man for fifteen years. It’s not that he purposefully neglects me—he just doesn’t put much effort into our love life. He seems to expect me to initiate the conversation and plan everything from meals to outings, and he gives nothing back. When he talk, it’s all about him and his work. He puts little effort into understanding me and tuning into my needs.

I’ve read that this is a “male-female” problem, but honestly I’m sick of it. Why should women have to do all the work to keep love alive in their marriage? Is there anything I can do to encourage my husband to take a leadership role in love and closeness? Even though we’re no longer newlyweds, I still want to be courted, to be told I’m wonderful, and to care about what happens in my day. 

 Please give me some ideas for getting my husband tuned into our relationship.

Getting your husband to listen is a huge problem for many women, leading me to write the book, Getting Your Husband’s Attention. In the book I share how thousands of women are frustrated by their husband’s lack of interest in their emotional life. The problem is so serious, and in fact epidemic, that many women choose to leave their husband rather than suffer from the severe detachment and neglect they feel. Many are tired of trying to coerce their husband to take the responsibility which is theirs Biblically--to love their wife sacrificially.
Thankfully, you may not need to take such drastic measures. There are many steps that can be taken before things erupt in a crisis. You don’t have to walk out on your husband to get his attention. Let’s consider some of those strategies.

One, are you ready to make a statement to him? Are you ready to take a stand, giving him the bottom line that things must change? You’ve probably given him mixed messages, enabling these patterns of relating.

Two, get his attention. OK, I know this sounds obvious, but for your husband to hear you, you first have to ask him to sit down, without distractions, for “that serious talk.” You must set a tone for a meaningful conversation. You’d be surprised how many women have nagged, yelled and screamed before sitting down to talk, or tried to compete with a sporting event on TV.

Three, prepare what you want to say, and say it succinctly. Men cannot handle excess emotions or verbiage. They become easily flooded with too much emotion or information. Stick to one issue and share what you feel, think and want. Men especially want “the bottom line,” so give it to him.

Fourth, ask for something specific. Your request cannot be nebulous, or you’ll notice his eyes starting to roll in the back of his head or his attention drift. Be succinct and specific.

Fifth, since most men don’t know the language of emotions, and being tuned into their mate, they need to go to school to learn it. Where is that school? Counseling. While counseling is not the only place to learn about relationships—there are many wonderful books on the topic—it is a great place to learn and try out new skills such as communication, active listening and attunement. Ask that he attend counseling with you to enhance your marriage and practice these skills.

Sixth, be prepared for resistance. It is the rare men who drops everything and rushes into counseling with their mate. More often, they have a thousand reasons why it isn’t convenient to go to counseling. Don’t get caught in this spider web of excuses. Stick to what you feel, think and want—be consistent and persistent.

Seventh, if he refuses to read books or go to counseling to improve your relationship, be prepared to establish boundaries and consequences. Most often, if you are succinct, serious and specific, he’ll get the message that something has to change. Were you to not waver in your message, clearly and consistently stating your distress, he’ll know that things must change.

Finally, there are no quick fixes. He must understand this from the outset. Learning any new skill, such as communication and the art of tuning into your mate, doesn’t happen over night. Be committed to counseling and learning all you can from good books written on the topic.

What do you think? What else can be said/ done to invite and insist men join you in the process of keeping the relationship alive and dynamic? Weigh in with your ideas.