What if I’m the CrazyMaker?

King David is a man to whom many of us can relate. Here was a man who had everything, and yet he wanted more. He wasn’t satisfied with being wealthy, having many beautiful wives and being blessed by God.

If you’re familiar with the story, you recall King David lusts after one of his loyal warrior’s wife, Bathsheba. In order to fulfill his desires, he sends Bathsheba’s husband, Uriah onto the front lines where he is killed.

But, the story doesn’t end there. The Lord sent Nathan, the prophet to talk to David, telling him a metaphorical story of a man who was greedy, taking from the poor. David “burned with anger against the man,” at which point Nathan turns to him and says, “You are the man!” (II Samuel 12: 5-7)

It has always been easy for us to see the speck in our brother’s eye, and not the log in our own. (Matthew 7: 1-5) We have a natural tendency to gossip, criticize, blame and judge others. Doing so stops us from growing and creates severe problems in our relationships. It takes maturity to look in the mirror and admit wrongdoing, and then, with God’s wisdom, correct the problem.

A recent letter was surprisingly candid, speaking for many who have been convicted by recent articles on CrazyMaking.

Dear Dr. David. I hate to admit it, but I have been a crazy maker.   My wife and I have been married for twenty-five years, but I have been a challenge I know for at least the last ten years.   I have not been physically abusive, but my sharp tongue has whipped my wife more times than I can remember.   Finally, I had a breakdown at work and resigned my job.  Now I find myself unemployed.  It has caused a lot of self-evaluation , depression, and even panic attacks.  I eagerly submitted to counseling and now my wife and I are finding a path of healing.  I am ashamed of myself and only hope that we can restore the joy we had when we were younger.  She is a great wife and I have been a good provider, but now, crisis has arrived on our doorstep and we are in a mess. Please pray for us that this event will result in long term healing both to our marriage and to my mind.

It has been said “We must have a breakdown before we can have a breakthrough.” I believe this to be true. Another way to think about it is that we have to come to the end of ourselves, making a mess of things, before we consider a new path. God, of course, is waiting for us to consider His plan and ways for our lives.

While this man is certainly guilty of wrongdoing, he is finally able to admit and accept the impact his behavior has had on his wife. He appears ready to deal with the consequences of his actions, and likely long-term impact of his abusive behavior. He has come to the end of himself. He is experiencing repentance—a change of heart: “For the sorrow which God gives is the cause of salvation through a change of heart, in which there is no reason for grief: but the sorrow of the world is a cause of death.” (II Corinthians 10: 7)

This man experienced a breakdown, leading to symptoms of depression and anxiety. While I don’t wish anyone to experience depression, or debilitating anxiety, sometimes it takes drastic consequences to see the error of our ways. As with King David, who suffered severe consequences for his actions, we too must face our wrongful actions if we are to grow, mature and become the people God wants us to be.

Does this man’s story hit close to home? Have you been feeling that you might be a CrazyMaker in some way in your marriage? In my book, Dealing with the CrazyMakers in Your Life I describe five different kinds of CrazyMakers: the Egotist, Aggressor, Borderline, Control Freak and the Sufferer.

To help you decide if you may be a CrazyMaker, answer these questions:

1. Do I like to talk about myself more than listen to others?
2. Do I consider myself to be more important than others?
3. Do I find pleasure in dominating others?
4. Am I coercive in trying to convince others that my way is the right way?
5. Do I overwhelm people with my moods?
6. Am I easily irritated?
7. Do I feel that others always get a better deal than I do?
8. Do I often feel mistreated by others?
9. Do the actions of others always fall short of meeting my expectations?
10. Am I filled with resentment?
11. Are others often upset with me?
12. Am I often upset with others?

These questions are a way to begin to ask yourself if you might be a CrazyMaker? If you have CrazyMaking tendencies, it is likely that others have tried to convey that truth to you, and you haven’t been listening. Perhaps you’ve had a Nathan try to speak truth into your life, and you’ve been unwilling to listen. Now is the time to listen and change, before you have a breakdown.

Please share your thoughts and feelings about this article. We want to hear from you.