Ending the Chaos

Dear Dr. David,

My husband has been having an affair with another woman for two years now. He has promised to end things with her many times but I always end up finding out that they are back in contact. We have been to counseling, marriage conferences and have tried different reading materials to try to better our marriage and work out our issues. We never consistently stay focused on any one thing because of my husband’s lack of commitment to our marriage. I have filed for divorce and we are living separately. We still see each other and try to work on our marriage, whenever I am convinced that this time things are really over for him and his girlfriend.

We have two children who suffer from this mess and the thought of them not having a mother and father living together as a family kills me. My question to you is, when and how do we come to a decision on whether or not to end the marriage? When will I get to the point that I don't take him back again and again?

 --Exhausted

Dear Exhausted,

 I believe you are asking the wrong questions. The question isn’t whether or not to end the marriage, but whether or not to end the chaos. You keep making the same mistakes over and over again, and asking yourself if the marriage is worth the hassle.

Sadly, if you keep taking your husband back, when he repeatedly goes back to his girlfriend, you’re enabling his dysfunctional behavior. You’re likely to get hurt again and again, while the marriage becomes damaged a little more each time. You, he and your children stand to suffer in the long run.

There is no virtue in being a longsuffering wife. It’s time for you to stay focused and set firm boundaries with your husband. He must decide between you or the other woman, and assuming he chooses you, you’ll need a commitment from him to enter into counseling to explore the roots of your problems.

So, as hard as it is, you cannot keep taking him back. There is a stronger chance he’ll realize what he’s losing if you draw a firm line in the sand---and you’ll preserve your dignity as well.