The Power of Self-Awareness

When it comes to having a healthy relationship with yourself and others, you must be self-aware. Actually, you must not only be self-aware, you must be other aware as well.

There is usually so much going on when it comes to relationship interactions. You have emotional reactions to your mate; they have emotional reactions to you. Behind the scenes you have attitudes and thoughts that impact how you will respond to any situation.

The power of self-awareness was quite evident in a recent interaction I watched with a couple who were struggling to reconnect with each other.

"Are you two ready to put this issue behind you?" I asked the couple anxiously. They had practiced some of the communication tools we had been rehearsing but still seemed quite contentious.

"Yes," Donald and Tina said in unison, relieved after nearly 20 minutes of bickering over Donald's recent anger outburst, which had left Tina hurt and reeling. To Donald's credit, he had taken responsibility for saying hurtful things and had apologized. Tina said she had forgiven him.

No sooner had they agreed to move forward then Tina, apparently not completely finished with the issue, picked it back up again. I was surprised, as was Donald.

"I'm willing to let it go," Tina said haltingly, "but I just don't understand why he said those things to me in the first place."

Bam! There it was. She had an apparent lack of self-awareness and observation that could have clued her about the damage of such a statement.

There are moments and comments such as these that turn a peaceful situation into a contentious one. The lack of self-awareness occurs when accommodating becomes accusatory. The absence of self-awareness occurs when compassion become complaining.

Donald started to respond, but I stopped him.

"Are you folks sure you want to rehash this issue?" I asked. "It seems like this will take you back into arguing."

"I just don't understand why he said what he said," Tina stated again. 

While it is easy for me, as a bystander, to notice this lack of self-awareness, and the importance of making healthy choices about what we say, it is much less apparent to those who are in the middle of it.

Perhaps this is the case for you. You may not notice when you move from The Sanctuary to The Courtroom, from loving encounters to bitter battles. Sometimes it is readily apparent, sometimes not. However, it is critical that every couple be able to recognize when they are no longer in a reconciling mood and take appropriate precautionary action.

I looked back at Tina. "Can you see how your question of Donald will take you back into arguing?"

"I just want to know why he would say those hurtful things," she exclaimed innocently.

"Yes," I said. "But asking that kind of question has an accusatory bite to it. It will put Donald back on the defense, and then no matter how he answers you, you'll be in an argumentative state."

Tina and Donald didn't fully understand what I was saying. They had yet to fully discover their patterns, and still needed to learn how they could easily provoke the other.

Scripture, of course, has a lot to say about contention and quarreling. Solomon said, "Starting a quarrel is like breaching a dam; so drop a matter before a dispute breaks out." (Proverbs 17:14) Imagine the breaching of a dam--floodwaters rushing out, destroying everything in its path. This is much the same as a contentious spirit. Contention becomes provocative, inciting anger, defensiveness and arguing.

Here are some further considerations regarding The SHIFT:

1. We must become experts at self-awareness.

Each of us must recognize when we are no longer able to listen to our mate. It is our responsibility to manage our emotions so we bring our Best Self to the conversation. We must be in an emotional state to completely listen. When we are no longer able to effectively listen, we must share this with our mate.

2. We must end all provocation.

Much of the time we believe we are talking reasonably, when in fact we are accusatory and provocative. There is a bite in our voice. We are making a complaint without realizing it. We believe we are in a space to talk, when in fact we feel defensive and hurt, ready to defend ourselves or attack our mate. 

3. When provocative, we must take responsibility for it and apologize.

Much can be remedied if we quickly take note of our attitude and actions and apologize. Likewise, we need to note when our mate is provocative and gently--and this is critical--bring this to their attention. "Could you say that a little differently?" can be a gentle nudge in a better direction.

4. Know when to drop an issue.

Too many couples argue an issue to death. They engage in power struggles when it is best to simply agree to disagree, or honor the validity of the others position. No one needs to be 'right' and certainly no one needs to be proved 'wrong.' Let the matter go and learn to live in harmony.

5. Celebrate peacefulness.

Be a peacemaker in your relationships. Even when feeling wronged or attacked, choose peace. Even when feeling provoked, choose peace. Listen carefully to what your mate may be trying to say, even if not said in the most effective manner. Be an effective listener and most important, become very self-aware so that you can make healthy relational choices.