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Marriage 911 01/30/17

When Your Problem Becomes THE Problem

You couple arguing

There is a "test" I like to give couples coming to me for intensive counseling. It goes like this:

"On a scale of 1-10, rate your level of confidence when approaching your mate with a problem about your relationship. How comfortable do you feel in approaching your mate and sharing some concern about their behavior or the relationship?"

In a healthy relationship, we feel a sense of freedom to approach our mate with a relationship concern, confident they will hear us, encourage our sharing, and help us find a solution to the problem.

As you might expect, this is often not the case. Far too many couples feel anxious when approaching their mate with a marital concern. They feel apprehensive, fearing their sharing becomes the problem.      

Daphne shared the following story with me:

"Whenever I approach my husband, Eli with a problem, my sharing becomes the problem. I can't talk to him about my concern without him turning things on me. He accuses me of ‘making a mountain out of a molehill, never being satisfied or always finding something to complain about.' Now I fear talking to him about anything of concern to me and our marriage is suffering."

Daphne's concern is common and marks a serious problem in many marriages. Instead of enjoying a relationship where concerns are exchanged freely and perhaps even welcomed, too many marriages are marred by a defensive mate, who sends out a strong signal of defensiveness. Subsequently, problems go underground and mount. Resentment builds, leading to emotional distance and distrust. Safety is lost and intimacy is typically severely damaged.

Let's consider solutions to this problem:

1. Talk about this problem.

Nothing changes without honesty. Without shaming or blaming, discuss your fears about bringing up a problem. Own that you feel fear and want a relationship marked by openness and honesty. Discuss what might need to change in order to have this kind of honesty and transparency;

2. Discuss the serious ramifications of this dysfunctional pattern.

Discuss with your mate the high cost of fear and lack of transparency. Note how fear creates inhibitions in sharing, a loss of self-esteem and value as well as emotional distance. Note how intimacy—"into me see"—is lost when their is fear of sharing. Note the importance of giving one another feedback and how this is a critical opportunity to grow. Discuss how your marriage is to honor God and this cannot be done when you tiptoe around one another;

3. Admit challenges to receiving criticism.

Take an honest emotional inventory. Be candid with yourself and your ability to receive criticism. Have you made your mate's problem the problem? Do you turn the problem onto them? Determine to change these patterns, creating safety for your mate.

4. Determine to embrace relational honesty.

Share with each other how you want and need to embrace emotional honesty. Discuss how your marriage requires giving one another feedback and you both must foster safety in your marriage. Read together 1 Corinthians 13—the Love Chapter—and the picture the Apostle Paul shares for a loving relationship.

5. Discuss how you will maintain ongoing honesty and safety.

Share with each other how you will maintain safety and transparency going forward. Commit to one another that you will be careful in giving feedback and will always maintain respect for one another. Share how this transparency, sharing and friendship will lead to a healthier, more vibrant marriage.

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