Drop Your Guard Slowly

From Lee:

One of the people who left a comment recently asked the following questions: “What is the scriptural position for a single Christian woman to be friends with a single Christian male? I often find that fellowship with a man creates a spiritual bond, which can lead to romantic feelings. How can I tell if the emotional comfort I’m getting (or giving) from a relationship is ‘legal’ spiritually? So many times I have opened up my heart to a ‘brother,’ and found my heart getting attached, then broken. What does the Word say, so I can guard my heart?”

Great questions. Let’s look at a couple of examples of male-female friendships in the Bible:

John 11:5 tells us that Jesus loved Mary, Martha, and Lazarus (three siblings). The four of them were close friends and they operated as such. We know from Luke’s account (Luke 10:37-42) that Martha invited Jesus into her home on one occasion during which she became distracted by spending more time in service to Jesus than simply sitting as his feet like her sister Mary did. When Jesus saw Mary weeping over the death of Lazarus, the Bible says he was “deeply moved in his spirit and greatly troubled” (John 11:33). Then he wept over the death of his friend Lazarus, before resurrecting him. Later, as Jesus came back through Bethany, he stopped by his friends’ house and they served him a meal.

So, what can learn? First, Jesus had close female friends. He frequented their home. They shared meals together. They wept together during bad times. And surely they enjoyed good times together as well. He loved them. Purely.

But that was Jesus, right? He was without sin. Mary and Martha knew he was the Messiah. Since the dynamics of their friendships were so different than what we face, maybe this isn’t the greatest example, but I don’t think we can discount it. We know that Jesus was tempted in all ways that are common to humanity (Hebrews 2:17-18) and he prevailed; that’s why he is able to help those who are being tempted. Maybe Jesus was tempted in regards to Mary or Martha, maybe he wasn’t. Either way, he didn’t shy away from having close female friends.

Let’s look at another example. In Romans 16:1-2, the apostle Paul commends Phoebe to the church in Rome. He asked the church there to “help her in whatever she may need from you, for she has been a patron of many and of myself as well.” While Paul didn’t refer to Phoebe as a friend, his dealings with her in the past were such that he knew her well enough to vouch for her. She ministered to him in some way and he was grateful. 

We could look at other biblical examples, but they are all going to be similar in nature, in that men and women were friends in the early church, but after that, the Bible doesn’t give us a lot of details about any boundaries they might have set. We could look at verses that deal more with handling sexual temptation, but Julie did a good job of addressing that issue last week and I don’t think that’s what the commenter had in mind when she asked how to guard her heart in male-female friendships. So, instead let’s look at Proverbs 23:4 (where the phrase “guard your heart” originates) and see how it applies to this situation.

Proverbs 23:4 says to “Keep your heart with all vigilance . . .” What exactly does that mean? Dr. John Gill (1690-1771), in his Exposition of the Entire Bible, spoke about making clear distinctions of the heart when he commented about this verse: “The mind from vanity, the understanding from error, the will from perverseness, the conscience clear of guilt, the affections from being inordinate and set on evil objects, the thoughts from being employed on bad subjects; and the whole from falling into the hands of the enemy, or being the possession of Satan: great diligence had need be used in keeping it, since it is naturally so deceitful and treacherous . . .”

So, taking what Gill said and incorporating it into our discussion about male-female friendships, we have to be ever vigilant about being truthful about what is going on inside our heart regarding the opposite gender. Admit an attraction (internally) immediately. And then, rather than letting your guard down completely, drop your guard in some small tangible way. If you don’t sense the other person reciprocating, you need to be willing to back off. Otherwise, you are indeed setting yourself up for a broken heart.