Pollyanna Doesn’t Live Here Anymore

Pollyanna is a character in a book by the same name, written by Eleanor H. Porter, which later became a children’s classic. In the story, Pollyanna goes to live with a dour aunt, finding ways to bring joy into her aunt’s life. In the most troubling of circumstances, Pollyanna finds ways to discover hope and brightness.

In our society we negatively label those with an overly optimistic disposition as “Pollyannish.” While there are no doubt obvious advantages to being optimistic, there are many situations where optimism is tantamount to denial—denial which only aggravates a problem, allowing it to run amok.

Take, for example, this email sent to me recently. In this situation a spouse overlooks her husband’s obvious addiction, thereby exacerbating the problem.

Hello Dr. David. I have been married to my husband for the last fifteen years. He has been smoking marijuana for over twenty years and we discussed this in the past and he promised to quit. I constantly catch him smoking, and while he first denies it, even though I have proof, he later admits it.

In the past I insisted on counseling and he went. It didn’t seem to help. Then we went together, and that didn’t seem to stop the problem either. We both love the Lord but I don't want this in our marriage. Our two children haven’t discovered my husband’s addiction yet, but it is just a matter of time until they figure it out. My husband has promised again to quit smoking marijuana, but I don’t know how to trust him again. How do I go about living with him? I also wonder what else is he keeping from me and lying to me about. Please help.

Like so many other problems in our lives, the central issue here is not only this man’s marijuana addiction, as serious as that is, but their denial of it. The central issue is the manner in which they have dealt, or not dealt, with the problem. 

Let’s pretend you have a leak in your roof. Every time it rains you must place a pan under the leak to stop the water from ruining your floor, your furniture and other household belongings. Let’s pretend that most times you think ahead and remember to put the pan out, but on other occasions you forget, causing damage to your home. How much damage would have to occur for most of us to call a roof specialist to take care of the problem, once and for all? Not long. We would find the finances to fix the problem. 

What is needed with the roof problem, as well as this man’s marijuana addiction, is an accurate assessment of the problem. Before this husband and wife can determine the appropriate course of action, they must be honest with themselves about the problem. Both seem to have limited ability to see the severity of the problem. 

From all appearances, her husband is addicted to marijuana. Promises keep being broken, he uses deception to hide his habit from her, and confesses the truth only after being caught. She is right to wonder what else might be going on. 

But, we must remember, these behaviors are all consistent with addictions. He doesn’t wake up every day and wonder about smoking marijuana—he is addicted to it. Deception, game-playing, excuses and denial are all part of the web of addiction. 

Until we fully face the severity of a problem, we try half-measures, like putting the pan out to catch the leaking water. Let’s review what doesn’t work:

• Lectures
• Scolding
• Humiliating
• Pleading
• Catching him in the act
• Making new promises
• Hoping tomorrow will be different

These actions only lead to further frustration and resentment. It may well be that he would like to make new promises. He might want to be scolded, to ease his guilt. He might appreciate being caught, so his problem is out in the open. But none of these work.

What does work?

What works is being honest with one another about the depth of the problem. Since it appears that your husband is a drug addict (Yes, those are harsh words!) and promises don’t seem to help, any more than accountability to you works, it appears that the next step is decisive intervention--drug treatment.

However, remember that he is likely to say that he doesn’t need drug treatment. He is likely to say he has quit before and can quit again. He’s likely to say if you’ll leave him alone, he’ll work it out. He’s likely to say you are the cause of the problem. He’s likely to minimize the severity of the problem.

In my book, Nine Critical Mistakes Most Couples Make I talk about our tendency to “whistle Dixie”---pretending a problem will go away if we leave it alone. It doesn’t. I talk about our tendency to minimize the size of a problem—we must see the problem for what it is, taking appropriate action. While this honesty takes incredible courage, it is only then that we will seek the solutions that can change our lives for the good. 

In this instance, don’t try to reason with husband if he shifts into any one of a thousand excuses and rationalizations. Step back. Get wise counsel. Determine how and when you will draw a boundary—then do it. Tell him that nothing short of intensive drug counseling will set your lives on the right course. Don’t expect him to like it, or even willingly accept it. He may push back, resisting taking the course of action he knows in his heart is necessary.

You also need counseling. You need to understand the power of addictions. You need to understand and deal with your enabling behaviors. You need to develop healthy boundaries. 

Finally, as with all of our problems, we must say goodbye to Pollyanna. Things are not always better in the morning. There isn’t always an easy answer. It is critical that you understand and accept the severity of the problem. If you fall into minimization, as he has, and accept the excuses, as he does, you will not move forward with the problem.

How can others relate to this problem? In what ways do you minimize the severity of a problem, and what has been the effect? What are the issues you tend to ignore in your marriage? We’d love to hear from you.