Tired of the Gossip

There is something wonderful about walking in the door at night to encouragement. After a long day at the office, or perhaps packing the kids from soccer to piano practice, our homes should feel like a respite from the world. Who doesn’t want to walk in the door to bright words of encouragement?

Sadly, many don’t find their homes encouraging because of the dampening power of gossip. Gossip—finding the negative in another’s marital, job or family life, and spreading it around—does nothing good.

Gossip tears down the one gossiped about, leaving the gossipper appearing shallow as well. Furthermore, this negativity brings down the mood of the entire family. 

Take, for example, this email sent to me recently. In this situation a husband tiptoes around his wife, wondering how to tell her that her loose tongue brings dishonor to her and the ones she talks about.

Dear Dr. David. I have been married for over ten years and love my wife very much. However, my wife is a talker. She talks about whoever she has met, and usually not in the best light. She always wants to know what’s going on with the people she works with, and shows no concern about hurting feelings when she quickly shares the gossip with anyone who will listen. She seems to get pleasure from spreading news, good or bad. And it doesn’t stop at work; she now comes home from work ready to talk about all the things going on in the office.

I’ve told my wife that I don’t want to hear about other people’s problems, and then she accuses me of not caring about her. I do care about her, but don’t want to hear about all the trouble others are having, especially since my wife seems to thrive on talking negatively about them. She pushes me away with all this negativity.

How can I make it clear to my wife that what she is doing is not only un-Biblical, but hurts them and us too? How can I help her see that I want to hear her thoughts, but don’t want to hear about the weaknesses of others? Please help. 

Your questions remind me what the Apostle James says about the tongue—that it has the power, even as a tiny spark, to set a forest ablaze. Words can be used to encourage and build others up, or to discourage and tear them down. Clearly, your wife seems intent on hurting others, though may not realize it.

It is quite likely that your wife’s gossiping is a bad habit, and she may have little awareness about it. Our society seems to reinforce putting others down. You can see and feel the negative impact her gossip has on others, her, as well as your marriage. 

You ask how you can tell her about this problem. I suspect she may be defensive when you talk to her, and yet you must not continue to enable this destructive habit. You must let her know, at the least, that you do not want to hear about the problems of others. Let her know the impact her words have on you.

You also must let her know the impact her gossiping has on your marriage. You’ve indicated that her gossiping makes you resent her, causing you to push away from physically as well as emotionally. Certainly this habit also causes spiritual damage as well.

If she is willing to listen, let her also know that gossiping causes you to lose respect for her. Let her know that you would much rather talk about encouraging aspects of others, or perhaps even ways you can help others in their distress. Encourage her to talk about her day, including her dreams, hopes and personal concerns. Reinforce that you do care about her and her life.

Finally, you can model compassion to your wife. When she brings up some negative aspect of another’s life, remind her of your decision not to talk negatively about others and ask if you can instead talk about how you might pray for or be helpful to these people. You might also assist her in looking at the brighter side of people’s lives, focusing on the good rather than the bad in others.

What would you do if you were in the place of this husband? How might you counsel him? We’d like to hear from you.