Chapter 6: Discipline

IN THIS CHAPTER, you will discover:

·    The difference between discipline and punishment Preventing, Supporting, Appraising, and Controlling discipline strategies.

·    Parenting techniques regarding use of electronices (i.e., TV, computers, video games) and dating.

·    The root cause of alcohol and drug abuse.

·    How to discipline children with special needs.

AS A RESULT, you will be able to:

·    Control your children's behavior and encourage more maturity.

·    Discipline your children with effectiveness and flexibility using appropriate strategies.

·    Parent effectively in the areas of using electronics (i.e., TV, computers, video games) and dating.

·    Teach your children how to avoid addictive behavior.Respond to the learning and discipline needs of special children.

Key Scripture: "Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness" (Heb. 12:10).

Key Words: Punishment, Discipline, Retribution, Discipleship

If you were asked whether God punishes his children, what would your answer be? Very likely it would be yes. After all, God inspired Solomon to write, "My son, do not despise the LORD's discipline and do not resent his rebuke, because the LORD disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in" (Prov. 3:11-12). And Christ himself said, "Those whom I love I rebuke and discipline. So be earnest, and repent" (Rev. 3:19). Doesn't it follow that Christian parents have both the right and the responsibility to punish their earthly children, just as our heavenly Father punishes his spiritual children?

The flaw in such reasoning lies in the failure to differentiate between punishment and discipline from a biblical perspective. God chastens, disciplines, and trains his children; he does not punish them. To imitate God in our parenting, it is critically important to understand the difference. The following comparison, adapted in part from Bruce Narramore's book Help! I'm a Parent, should further clarify this.

Discipline and Punishment Serve Different Purposes

Punishment is retribution administered as a penalty for wrongdoing. Discipline is discipleship or training designed to instruct, correct, and perfect the one being disciplined. The purpose of punishment is to satisfy justice, and for this reason God "hold[s] the unrighteous for the day of judgment" (2 Peter 2:9), "storing up" punishment for the wicked who will not turn to him (Rom. 2:5).

God does not store up punishment for his children, however. The penalty for our sins has been paid at the cross (Rom. 3:25, 8:1; Heb. 9:28). God disciplines us not to satisfy the demands of justice, but "for our good, that we may share in his holiness" (Heb. 12:10). God's chastening is not designed to extract retribution, but to produce "a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it" (Heb. 12:11).

How can we implement this biblical insight into our own parenting? We must understand that the emphasis in discipline should be to help children learn from their mistakes. Punishment may stop negative behavior, but it does so by simply immobilizing children. Discipline teaches children to change their behavior by promoting growth and maturity.

Discipline and Punishment Involve Different Attitudes

As we have seen, punishment is an expression of God's anger (Rom. 1:18; 2 Thess. 1:7-9). Discipline, on the other hand, is an expression of God's love for us (Job 5:17-27). Divine anger and love are not fully comparable to human anger and love. Still, the principle that punishment finds its origin in anger while discipline is rooted in love holds true for both. An act of correction performed by a parent may be either punishment or discipline depending on their motivational level. If our attitude is one of anger, we punish rather than discipline. This remains true no matter how much we may learn about techniques of discipline.

Of course, parents are only human, and children can occasionally test them beyond the limits of their patience. For this very reason we should beware of justifying our "righteous" anger to ourselves. The apostle James warns us that "man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires" (James 1:20). Godly discipline neither makes children pay for their mistakes nor does it involve getting even with children.

Discipline and Punishment Inspire Different Responses

The focus of punishment is retribution for past misdeeds. Anticipation of retribution creates a feeling of dread. Those who reject God's mercy constantly experience "a fearful expectation of God's judgment" (Heb. 10:27). Conversely, those who know God's love are confident and internally free of fear. "God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him.... There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment" (1 John 4:16, 18).

The lingering condemnation by which the unbeliever is "condemned already" (John 3:18) has no place in the Christian. God deals with them as his children - with discipline rather than punishment (Rom. 8:15-17). The focus is not on past misdeeds but on "keeping in step" with the Spirit in the present (Gal. 5:25) and on the glory we shall share with Christ (Rom. 8:17-18).

Similarly, when parents punish out of anger, focus is placed on misbehavior. This creates a lack of self-esteem in children. They see themselves as essentially "bad." The fear of punishment breeds anxiety in children. They may have difficulty trusting or communicating with parents, and become exasperated or embittered (Eph. 6:4; Col. 3:21).

When parents discipline out of love, forgiveness and restoration follow. The focus is on growth and positive expectation. This creates a positive self-image in children. They learn to respect their parents. They know that improper behavior may bring painful consequences, but they also have confidence in the fairness and dependability of their parents. This type of respect resembles the biblical "fear of the LORD" (Prov. 9:10) because it involves awe, love, and attentiveness. It is a positive rather than a negative type of fear. Like the biblical "fear of the Lord," proper parental respect produces the fruit of wisdom and contentment (Prov. 19:23). Children become both prudent and emotionally secure, because they know they are being firmly guided and unconditionally loved.

Discipline and Personality

A verse that is quoted often when biblical views on child-rearing are discussed is Proverbs 22:6: "Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it." This verse is profound in many ways. First, it expresses the practical relationship between cause and effect: training is necessary to achieve maturity. Second, it tells us that godly training is necessary to achieve true maturity. (The Hebrew word for "train up" implies dedication of the child to God.)

If we dig a bit deeper, we find that this verse contains yet another insight, which is often overlooked. The phrase "the way he should go" is typically interpreted to mean that a child should be raised according to correct religious and social norms. But the true meaning of the verse is that the parent should train up the child in the way he (i.e., that particular child) should go. Because of this biblical injunction, we can see the value of knowing our children's level of motivation, functional gifts, and personality type.

Discipline Guidelines

Here are some general guidelines regarding discipline and motivational levels. The lesson tape and pages 149-50 of LOD contain more information on this subject.

Level 1. Give Level 1 children only a few, clear rules. Have them repeat these to you periodically. Make sure that the benefits of obeying the rules are clear and the rewards are tangible. Send clear "I" messages about the kinds of behavior that you approve and disapprove.

Level 2. Since Level 2 children seek approval, don't nag them. It lowers their self-esteem and builds internal resistance. Send "approval messages" about the positive behavior you want to reinforce: "I really like the way you cleaned your room," etc. Stronger discipline, when necessary, should be executed swiftly and matter-of-factly. A time of teaching and reconciliation should follow.

Level 3. Level 3 children are concerned with being respected and appearing competent. Allow them to have a part in setting up rules and guidelines for behavior. Once committing themselves in this way, they will obey as a matter of self-respect.

Level 4. Level 4 children need to confer with their parents. Provide wise counsel and direct them through reflective listening.

Making It Work:

• Examine how unified you and your spouse are about the subject of discipline. Discuss and resolve any areas of disagreement.

Key Scripture: "Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord" (Eph. 6:4).

Key Words: Strategy Continuum, Preventing, Supporting

In this lesson and the next we will consider practical ways to train up our children in the way they should go. Specifically, you will learn how to adjust your strategies of discipline to match your children's motivational level and behavior.

Drs. Selig and Arroyo have arranged twenty major strategies of child discipline into four groups called strategy continuums. Ranging from the least intrusive to the most intrusive, these are: Preventing, Supporting, Appraising, and Controlling. In this lesson we will look closely at Preventing and Supporting.

The use of varied types of discipline has several advantages.

• Your discipline strategy can be adjusted to the motivational level of the child. In general, the strategies of Preventing and Supporting will be appropriate for higher Level 2 and Level 3 children. The strategies of Appraising and Controlling will be appropriate for lower Level 2 and Level 1 children.
• By having a large repertoire of behavior strategies from which to choose, you can avoid the extremes of harshness or laxity in disciplining and can exert only the amount of force needed.
• The discipline strategy can be matched to the child's misbehavior. For example, if the child is practicing the misbehavior strategy of "annoyance" with the goal of gaining attention, the use of the proper discipline technique will not only stop the inappropriate behavior but also will teach the correct way to get attention.
• The discipline strategy can be matched to the child's personality type. For example, a Ruler child needs a more intrusive (or forceful) style of discipline than a Server child, even if they are on the same motivational level.

Preventing

Preventing strategies are the least intrusive type of discipline technique and require the least time and energy. All five preventing techniques are designed to forestall or quickly defuse minor disobedience, and to keep disobedience from escalating.

The five Preventing strategies are:

• 1. Planned Ignoring
• 2. Control of Environment
• 3. Adult-Level Questions
• 4. Nonverbal Signals
• 5. Modeling

Supporting

Supporting strategies are more directive than Preventing strategies. They involve either a subtle or open reminder that the child pay attention to the rules of correct behavior, and the consequences of breaking them. The six Supporting strategies are:

• 1. Repetition of Rules
• 2. Positive Statements
• 3. Subtle Directives
• 4. Reflective Listening
• 5. Probing for Reasons
• 6. Self-Monitoring

Making It Work:

• It is critical that parents carefully study the key principles of the techniques above, if they are to become practically useful. Memorize the strategies from the category most appropriate for your child, or post them on a card where you can see them as a reminder. Try each technique within the chosen strategy continuum, and see which works best for your child. Prepare to be surprised at the effectiveness of your efforts!

Key Scripture: "Folly is bound up in the heart of a child" (Prov. 22:15).

Key Words: Appraising, Controlling, Token Reinforcement

We continue our survey of the discipline strategies with the two most intrusive strategy continuums - Appraising and Controlling. Parents must guard against letting the sternness required by these strategies turn into anger. Remember: a parent cannot discipline a child unless they are at a higher motivational level than the child. Without self-control, parents do not control children, only coerce them. Also, if the parent expresses anger in discipline, the child may become bitter and require increasingly intrusive types of discipline.

The following steps should occur when using Appraising and Controlling techniques:

Stop the misbehavior of the child.

Change the child's behavior until it matches your expectations.

Restore the fellowship between you and your child.

When all three have occurred, the child has been effectively discipled.

Appraising

The five Appraising strategies are:

• 1. Stopping and Redirecting
• 2. Logical Consequences
• 3. What Questions
• 4. Contracting for Positive Behavior
• 5. Token Reinforcement

Controlling

The four Controlling strategies are:

• 1. Isolation to Complete a Plan
• 2. Time Out to Cool Off
• 3. Loss of Privileges
• 4. Spanking

Make sure that your children answer the question, "what did I do?" in such a way that they clearly admit their own guilt in misbehaving. Also, see that they know why their behavior was inappropriate. Most important, make sure they know specifically what to do the next time they are tempted to repeat the mistake. Have them rehearse this behavior for you, and role-play with them if necessary.

Spanking

The "spare the rod and spoil the child" theory of discipline, based on such scriptures as Proverbs 13:24, 19:18, and 23:14, is popular in some circles. However, most Christian psychologists agree that spanking, though it has its place, is not a preferred method of discipline. It is a discipline of last resort to be used when a child knowingly and willfully (rather than accidentally or unthinkingly) breaks rules and defies the parent.

Additional guidelines for using physical discipline:

• If you must spank your child, it is best to do so immediately, not after wrangling with the child for twenty minutes.
• Never spank a child when you are angry.
• After discipline, remind the child what the rules are, why they are important, and why discipline was necessary.
• Have a time of forgiveness and reconciliation with your child. This period should involve prayer and physical affection. Forgive and forget your child's transgression, as God does our own (Ps. 103:12; Isa. 43:25). This exchange of repentance and forgiveness can bond parent and child together deeply, and act as an object lesson about divine justice and mercy.

Inappropriate use of physical discipline:

The child is too young to understand the connection between their behavior and the spanking (or the parents wait too long to administer discipline).

The child is too mature physically or emotionally. If too mature physically, spanking becomes merely a power struggle or a test of endurance for the child. If too mature emotionally, spanking is so humiliating that it cannot act as a positive method of discipline. According to Dr. James Dobson, spanking tends to be ineffective before the age of 15-18 months and after the age of 10.

Insufficient pain is involved. In this case, the child may actually provoke spanking to get attention and physical contact from the parents. According to child psychologists, an effective spanking involves several stinging strokes, and should be sufficiently painful to make the child cry. Drs. Selig and Arroyo suggest using the hand in spanking, while Dr. Dobson suggests using a neutral object.

Spankings are delivered inconsistently (i.e., the child gets away with the same misbehavior three out of five times).

Making It Work:

• As with the Preventing and Supporting strategies, discussed in the previous lesson, familiarize yourself with each strategy discussed.

Key Scripture: "And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him" (Col. 3:17).

Our children's generation is often called the "video generation." The Kaiser Foundation (2005) found that 3rd graders through 12th graders devoted an average of 6 1/2 hours per day to TV, videos, music, video games, and computers. During this period children view thousands of murders and lesser acts of violence. They are barraged with powerful sexual imagery, and see abortion, rape, divorce, sexual deviancy, and adultery portrayed as acceptable (or even comic) actions.  Beyond question, television, video games, and other electronic devices can indoctrinate children to accept popular values incompatible with the Christian ethics of parents.

Harder to measure, but equally important, is the effect of television on family unity. Time that could have been spent together creating memories and building relationships is invested in staring into the "electronic fireplace." Though the members of a family are physically together at home, they may be as individually isolated as strangers in a movie theater because they are involved in isolating electronic devices.

However, media devices are undeniably here to stay. Many parents feel that without it their family would be unrealistically cut off from the modern world. Clearly, the problem for Christian parents is to decide how to use the electronic devices as a positive educational and entertainment resource without allowing it to monopolize family time. The following suggestions on how to monitor the quantity and quality of your TV viewing were adapted from the book Dr. James Dobson Answers Your Questions.

Before we can discipline our children, we must discipline ourselves. Do we have an electronic addiction? Is the quality of programming that we choose to watch spiritually uplifting (Phil. 4:8)? Do we use these devices as a baby-sitter?

Decide what quantity of time with electronic devices are permissible. The average preschooler watches approximately fifty-four hours of TV per week. Ten to fifteen hours a week would be a healthier amount, and even that would be excessive.

Explain to your children the reasons it is wise to moderate their time with game systems, TV's, and other devices. Explain to them also that viewing and playing these items are a privilege, not a right.

Decide as a family what TV programs you will watch in the coming week. Let your children also preselect programs for individual viewing. You may choose to make a roll of tickets and allow your children to "buy" these tickets by doing chores or homework, or by meeting behavior goals. Depending on the number of tickets they earn, children may then watch the programming you have approved.

Use the TV, video games, and other electronic devices as vehicles for fostering family relationships. Watch TV with your children and interact with them about what they are watching. You can help your children develop logic, comprehension, and other high level thinking skills by discussing "What is going on? What do you think is going to happen next? Why did the characters act as they did? Why did the events end as they did?"

Discuss not only the logical content of the programs you watch and games they play, but also their moral and spiritual implications. All drama involves human choice, and may therefore become a springboard for discussing what decisions are wise and morally good.      

Dating

Adolescence is a season of volatile emotions and vulnerability when the approval of family and peers is desperately sought. Adolescent self-esteem is extremely fragile, and adolescents are in constant fear of ridicule and humiliation. To compound matters, adolescence is the age of sexual awakening. It is a time when the overpowering emotion of infatuation is indistinguishable from love.

How can we help our fragile adolescent children learn to handle male-female relationships? First, adolescents must receive responsible teaching about their sexuality. They should understand the power stirring within them from the biblical, biological, and psychological perspectives. The surprising fact is that young men and women are sexually maturing at a younger age than ever before. Because of good nutrition and health care, the average time of first menstruation in American women has shifted from 14.2 years in 1900, to 12.9 years in 1950, to 12.6 years in 1980 to 12.2 in 1992 and it is predicted that in 2010, women will have it around 10 or 11 years of age.7This trend, coupled with the permissiveness of our society and the emphasis on sexuality in the media, means that young adults must be prepared earlier to handle the powerful forces at work within them and without.

Here are some tips that may be useful to parents with children of dating age:

• Explain to your children as clearly and simply as possible the need to develop male-female relationships in a gradual, structured way. Be candid about the dangers and difficulties that accompany adolescent sexual development. Make them aware in advance of the kinds of pressure that their peers (or dates) might put on them. Emphasize that it is their strength of character, not their degree of submissive conformity to the group, that should be the source of their self-esteem. Help them feel they can confide in you, no matter what.
• A calendar reflecting the stages of independence in dating might look like this:
  • Ages 12-15: Socialization between groups of boys and girls in your home or the home of other parents you know.
  • Ages 15-16: Double-dating in public or in places chaperoned by adults.
  • Ages 16-18: Single dating with a companion whom you know and personally approve. It is wise to be familiar with the parents and home environment of your teenager's date as well.
• Not every 16-year-old will be mature enough to date. The privilege of dating does not depend on chronological age, but on spiritual, emotional, and intellectual maturity. Point out to your child that maturity is demonstrated by the ability to handle responsibility. Make clear in advance that the privilege of dating is conditional on how well the rules regarding curfews, entertainment, etc., are kept. Teenagers should not be considered ready to date until they have reached Level 3.
• Ages 13-14 are often the most difficult years in life. Adolescence is a "trial by fire" in which young people have to endure the brutal rejection and ridicule typical of the junior high school years. At this time peer pressure exerts a power over their lives that is almost tyrannical. The urge to gain acceptance and "love" through a romantic entanglement is strong.

Parents can arm their children against such emotional dependency by nurturing their sense of self-esteem and by instilling in them an awareness of the sustaining love of Christ. Only if a young person has internalized solid values over a long period of time can they feel a continuing inner confidence in the face of the tribulations of adolescence.

Making It Work:

• Discuss with your adolescent the sexual sins condemned in the Bible and God's will regarding sexual standards.

Key Scripture: "Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit" (Eph. 5:18).

Key Words: Dependent or Addictive Personality, Delay Gratification, Passive Dependency

A small percentage of those exposed to alcohol and drugs will become addicted. It is possible that these persons are genetically inclined toward addiction. But over the last two decades we have witnessed an epidemic of drug addiction and alcoholism that involves a far larger percentage of our society. The wealthy and talented, as well as the poor and hopeless, have fallen victim to alcoholism and drug abuse. It is the young, however, who have paid the highest price in damaged lives and broken dreams. What makes a young person susceptible to the lure of drugs? There are two primary factors --lack of discipline and lack of love. These factors play the largest role in creating the dependent or addictive personality.

Discipline

By early adolescence, children who have been properly discipled should, without supervision, be able to do their homework before watching TV or to complete their chores before going outside. Because they have been taught the value of responsible behavior, they have learned to delay gratification. The external discipline imposed by their parents has helped them to develop internal discipline. They have learned to say no to large temptations by saying no to small ones. Wisdom and success are their reward (Prov. 6:6-8).

Children without external discipline do not develop self-control. Their motto is "play now, pay later." They are impulsive, resentful of authority, and unable to say no when an opportunity for immediate gratification presents itself. This is normally true in spite of their intelligence level, and even in spite of their exposure to Christian values.

Love

Sheer discipline alone will not inspire children to develop self-control. Authentic self-control is rooted in self-esteem. To have self-control, children must feel valued and valuable.This conviction must be instilled in children by the parents. If children are not valued by their parents, they will be handicapped by feelings of emptiness and insecurity. They will carry within a constant hunger for affirmation and feel that they somehow do not "have enough" in life. Children who do not feel valued acquire a passive dependency on whoever or whatever can take away this sense of hollowness. They develop addictive personalities. Overreliance on peer approval, sexual promiscuity, substance abuse, and involvement in religious cults are often substitutes for lack of parental attention and affection.

Loving Discipline

Neither discipline nor affection alone can teach a child self-control. In the same way that "faith" unaccompanied by "action" is dead (James 2:17), love without discipline is ineffective.

We need to spend time nurturing our children and lavishing affection upon them. But loving them also means knowing about and responding to their subtle disciplinary needs. Children have the common sense to want to be loved and disciplined (despite their outward protests). Those who do not receive loving discipline feel unvalued, and have the kinds of problems we have described.

Guidelines for Parents

Here are some recommendations for parents:

• Prevention
  • Encourage spiritual growth and development in your children. The confidence and hope that come from personally knowing Christ's sacrificial love will safeguard your children from despair, and let them know that they are valued now and forever (Rom. 8:35-39; 1 John 4:16-19).
  • Encourage your children to participate in sports, music, or other creative activities and hobbies that reflect their abilities and interests. Not only will this give them a healthy outlet for their youthful energy, but they also will gain skill, knowledge, and experience that will bring self-respect and the respect of others.
  • Observe what your children are learning from the media. Listen to the opinions they express about what the world is like. Read the books they read and listen to the music they listen to. Teach them to be discriminating about these influences. Communicate practical wisdom to them about what it means to live in the real world. Teach them to be wary of exploitative advertisements, and movies and music that portray unbridled sexual activity or alcohol consumption as a desirable lifestyle. Show them the practical benefits of righteous living and the folly of unrighteous living.
• Intervention
  • Teach your children why they should say no to drugs. Educate yourself. Share the hard scientific facts about the effects of alcohol and drugs on the body and the mind with your children. Open the daily paper and show them the tragic results of drug and alcohol addiction.
  • Teach your children how to say no to drugs. The pressure exerted by the peer group is the single most powerful force influencing your children to experiment with drugs and alcohol. Discuss the issue of conformity with your children (see the last lesson). To prepare in advance for the moment when your children will be offered drugs or alcohol, rehearse their response with them
  • Children who are disheartened or discouraged are most inclined to drug dependency. Teens may outwardly appear normal but inwardly be filled with crippling anxiety. Stay close enough to your children to know what is really going on in their lives.
• Signs of Drug Use
  • The pupils become expanded or dilated, and communication skills are impaired.
  • Extremes of energy occur in which the child either becomes very talkative and agitated or very sullen and withdrawn. Watch for unusual passivity and loss of goal orientation.
  • The appetite may disappear or temporarily increase. Personal appearance is neglected.
  • The child may become secretive, hostile, moody, and perpetually out of money. Also typical is a reduced attention span, criticism and indifference toward family and straight friends, and a drop in grades.
• Facts About Marijuana
  • One marijuana cigarette has as much cancer-causing capacity as 22.4 regular cigarettes.
  • One marijuana cigarette causes driving skills to decrease 41 %; two cause a reduction of 63%.
  • Regular marijuana usage may decrease the white blood count (therefore disarming the immune system) by 39%.
  • Growth in the cerebral cortex (which is still occurring in the teen years) is retarded by regular marijuana usage.
  • Consult your public library, PTA, or law enforcement agency for more information about the effects of drug and alcohol. Share this information with your children.

Making it Work:

• Discuss with your children the challenges they encounter with drugs and alcohol, and share how God can help them overcome the temptations they face.
• Study the book of Proverbs together to learn about the rewards of righteous living and the folly of unrighteous living.

Key Scripture: "For when I am weak, then I am strong" (2 Cor. 12:10).

Key Words: Incidental Learning, Overstimulation, Multiple Stimuli

Parents who have children with physical, emotional, or mental handicaps may be wondering if the discipline strategies we have discussed apply to their children. While these children have special needs, Drs. Selig and Arroyo have found that, with some adaptation, these techniques work effectively with such children. This lesson contains suggestions on how to use these and other techniques to care for the needs of these special children.

Special Children, Special Parents

To be the parents of a dysfunctional child is to experience a broad range of emotions -from despair to exultation. It has been suggested that these parents go through the classic stages of grief charted by psychologists: Denial, Anger, Depression, and Acceptance. When parents learn that their child is abnormal in some way, the initial reaction is usually Denial - "No, this cannot be true." Few parents stay at this stage for long because to do so would involve withholding the special care that the child obviously needs.

Often parents pass quickly to Anger ("Why me, God?") and then guilt. They may wonder if they are being punished by God. In John 9:3, Jesus clearly stated that God does not deal with us this way. At times, parents feel anger at the child as well. Such anger is not an indication that the parent does not love the child.

Parents may linger at the stage of Depression for some time. At this stage they mourn the loss of their dreams about what their child would be like. Only when they enter the stage of Acceptance can parents begin to see the true beauty of their child and recognize them as a special gift from God. Such a child teaches the parents much about God's grace (2 Cor. 12:10) and often becomes the heart of the family. Their need for love and care, coupled with the delightful openness with which they give love, bonds family members to them and to each other.

The remainder of the chapter consists of tips for parents of dysfunctional children, which are adapted from Dr. Dobson Answers Your Questions, and from Dr. Domeena Renshaw's The Hyperactive Child.

Learning

• Slow learners need individualized attention in all academic subjects. Some are fortunate enough to get this attention in special classes in public schools. But many, especially if they are "high level" slow learners, do not. It is critically important for your child's self-image that they learn to read early. Teach them yourself, if necessary. Being held over a grade in school will not help your child, unless they are receiving the necessary one-on-one teaching.
• Success breeds success: a positive self-image is the key to superior performance for all children. Set behavior goals (and academic goals) that the slow learner can accomplish, and increase the level of difficulty slowly. Reward even minor success with praise. Children with mental and emotional handicaps have the same sensitive egos and the same need for approval as other children.
• The discipline strategies we have learned are also effective with dysfunctional children. Individual strategies must simply be applied more often and over a longer period. Never punish your child for reacting with confusion to a problem for which they were not prepared.
• Remember not to treat children with physical handicaps as if they are emotionally or intellectually handicapped. Never treat them as if they were emotionally insensitive or indifferent.

Socialization and Travel

• Prepare your child extensively before social outings. Tell them what they are going to see and do and what to expect. Be clear and specific. Do not assume that your child will pick up logical inferences from what you say. Incidental learning occurs at a lower rate in these children.
• Role-play the actions that will be expected during the outing. Learning occurs best when presented in a dramatic, audio-visual-sensory format. Pretend you are at your destination and act out your child's role; then get them to imitate you.After teaching, review the appropriate behavior. Prompt your child if they forget, and be careful not to make them anxious by voicing any negative expectations.Before arriving at your destination, rehearse important information.
• After arriving, if you see your child beginning to get "off-center," refocus them with a verbal or nonverbal cue. Reward their behavior successes with generous praise.

Hyperactive Children

• Keep your voice quiet and your speech slow. Avoid becoming angry by the ceaseless repetition of "Stop," "Don't," and "No." In your thinking, separate the person of your child from their inappropriate behavior.
• Have a simple routine for your child to follow. Demonstrate new and difficult tasks repeatedly until learned. To avoid overstimulation, have a work area that is simple in decor and uncluttered, with a table facing the wall. Avoid multiple stimuli; let them have one task, one toy, or one playmate at a time.
• Responsibility is essential for growth. Give your child tasks that will challenge without overwhelming them. Supervise them as they attempt to complete these tasks and help, if necessary. Reward with praise.
• Know the warning signals that precede an outburst of hyperactivity. Redirect your child, or have a "time-out" period until they regain equilibrium. ("Subtle Directives," "Stopping and Redirecting," "`What' Questions," or "Time-Out to Cool Off" may be useful strategies here.) Share helpful suggestions and strategies with your child's teacher. Make sure your child is getting the one-to-one classroom interaction they need.