Chapter 7: Character/Self-Esteem

IN THIS CHAPTER, you will discover:

·    The biblical building blocks of good character.

·    The correspondence between character qualities and personality types.

·    The four-step teaching process given by Moses.

·    The source and importance of self-esteem.

AS A RESULT, you will be able to:

·    Instill in your children seven virtues basic to good character development.

·    Individualize character growth strategies for your children.

·    Teach character development to your children with maximum success.

·    Create positive self-esteem in your children.

Key Scripture: "But grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ" (2 Peter 3:18).

Key Words: Virtue, Character Building, Sanctification

Public figures today are as likely to be admired for the personality cult they create as for their strength of character. Popular American culture has been said to reflect the triumph of personality over character. The role models of today's children are commonly one-dimensional pop icons who are long on style and short on substance. They are taught "value free" ethics in public schools and, as a result, they do not know how to make meaningful choices. They are unsure of who they are and what they want. They are powerless in the face of temptation and circumstance, and gravitate irresistibly toward whatever is fashionable, easy, or exciting.

Every choice we or our children make is guided by the values we decide to express. Thus, Christian parents must give their children both a sense of biblical values and a sense of their individual value in God's eyes (and their own). Without this, children have no chance to live as free men and women.

Virtues are "caught" rather than "taught," so parents should embody the values they teach their children. Parents are God's tools in character development. Since building character requires shaping the will, discipline and character building are two sides of the same coin. As parents teach externally, God works internally, writing his laws on the hearts of children.

The process of Christian character building is one in which we move from self-centeredness to God-centeredness (Matt. 16:25; Phil. 2:5-11). It is really another way of talking about the process of sanctification. Sanctification is the ongoing work of the Holy Spirit in our lives that begins with faith in Christ. It continues as we die to self (Gal. 2:20) and manifest Christ's own qualities in "increasing measure" (2 Peter 1:8). Christians have long spoken of these qualities as virtues. Character is developed as virtues become habits.Second Peter 1:5-9 contains a helpful list of essential Christian virtues. Peter urges us to" make every effort" to "add" (v. 5) these virtues to our foundational faith in Christ. Note that the seven virtues listed by Peter are not only essential but also sequential. They build upon each other. We can look at them as a blueprint of the process of sanctification. They tell us how to "grow" character in our children (and, of course, ourselves).  Listed below are the seven virtues found in 2 Peter 1:5-9. Beside each virtue is its biblical meaning along with the attribute to recognize and reward in children.

Goodness

Meaning: Moral excellence of the righteousness, which should exceed all worldly standards (Phil. 4:8)

Attribute: Wholehearted commitment to what is right.

Knowledge

Meaning: Applied knowledge reflecting insight into the Father's will, wherein "God's love is truly made complete (1 John 2:5)

Attribute: Spiritual wisdom; interest in Scripture.Self-ControlMeaning: The opposite of greed or excess. Self-discipline comes not from willpower, but from surrender to the Holy Spirit.Attribute: Relinquishes desires to the Holy Spirit.

Perseverance

Meaning: Patience and steadfastness; reliance on God's grace for essential needs rather than external circumstances.

Attribute: Moral and emotional steadiness; confidence based on faith, not sight.

Godliness

Meaning: "Denotes the attitude and behavior of the man who is truly God-fearing" (IBC, p. 1565)

Attribute: Practical maturity of judgment and behavior.

Brotherly Kindness

Meaning: The warmth of affection between believers.

Attribute: Sensitivity to the fellowship of the Spirit and others.

Love

Meaning: Agape describes God's nature (1 John 4:16) and Christ's greatest commandment (John 13:34-35).

Attribute: Awareness of God's presence; the "divine nature" (2 Peter 1:4); active compassion.

Making It Work:

• Discuss the virtues described in 2 Peter 1:5-9 with your family. Point out that this progression of virtues has faith--the saving knowledge of Christ himself, as its foundation (1 John 4:19). Emphasize also that though we are saved by grace through faith (Eph. 2:8-9), sanctification is a work of God in which we cooperate (Rom. 8:13; Phil. 2:13).
• Family members may share experiences in which they (or others) exercised the above virtues. Parents should also share experiences in which they have failed to do so. The sharing of failure by parents teaches children to forgive themselves (and each other) and serves as an object lesson in perseverance. Smaller children may be rewarded for memorizing the names of the virtues, and receive "stars" during the week for showing self-control; brotherly kindness, etc.
• For Christians, marriage and family relationships contain both horizontal and vertical dimensions. Not only are we husband and wife or parent and child, but we are also brothers and sisters in Christ. Each of us is on a separate but similar journey "home" to God (Heb. 11:13-16). By talking together about experiences of spiritual growth, each member of the family has a chance to sense the reality of the Spirit at work in themselves and others.
• Discuss as a family the following questions:
  • How do you sense the presence of God? What closes you off from His presence? How do you feel then? Does God reveal Himself in your relationships with others?
  • How has your understanding of God changed? What does Matthew 16:25 really mean? What does "religion" mean to you? What makes life worthwhile?
  • Imagine you are nearing the end of your life. From that perspective, how would you feel about your current lifestyle? What "important" things might suddenly seem unimportant? What would you value that you now ignore? How would you use your remaining time?

Key Scripture: "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable "if anything is excellent or praiseworthy -- think about such things" (Phil. 4:8).

Key Words: Character Traits, Seed Traits

The Four Character Qualities

Drs. Selig and Arroyo note that the seven virtues listed in 2 Peter 1:5-9 can be grouped into four categories. These categories represent four types of character qualities that can be used to measure character growth.

The virtues "goodness" and "knowledge" exemplify the character quality of Workmanship. Related character traits, such as attentiveness, punctuality, diligence, and efficiency, show an ability to accept responsibility and be enterprising. The virtues "self-control," "perseverance," and "godliness" typify the character quality Self-Control. Cooperation, flexibility, discretion, and fairness are similar character traits that show an ability to order one's behavior and emotions. The virtue "brotherly kindness" represents the character quality concerned with establishing a positive Relationship. Interpersonal strengths, such as tolerance, generosity, and kindness, belong to this category. Finally, the virtue "love" is seen by our authors to embody the character quality of Restoration. Compassion, mercy, and sincerity are character traits that fall into this category.

Personality Type and Character Development

Our authors correlate the four character qualities listed above and the four personality types we have already studied. Each personality type has a natural affinity with one of the categories of character qualities. For example, Ruler personalities naturally exemplify Workmanship character qualities because they are attentive to tasks, responsible, purposeful, and decisive. Designer personality types naturally demonstrate the character quality of Self-Control because they are deliberate, analytical, detail-oriented, and perfectionist. The chart that follows illustrates the natural affinity between the four character qualities, the four personality types, and the major character traits manifested at different motivational levels.

Workmanship - Ruler Personality

Level one: Attentive

Level two: Responsible

Level three: Resourceful

Level four: Diligent

Self-Control - Designer Personality

Level one: Cooperative

Level two: Obedient

Level three: Confident

Level four: Peaceable

Relationship - Promoter Personality

Level one: Tolerant

Level two: Friendly

Level three: Sociable

Level four: Appreciative

Restoration - Server Personality

Level one: Sensitive

Level two: Gentle

Level three: Supportive

Level four: Compassionate

Many basic character traits are value free in themselves. For example, a thief may use purposefulness, punctuality, efficiency, and determination to become a master criminal. It is not sufficient merely to acquire character traits, they also must be used at a high motivational level. The experience of being born again is a turning point in character development, for it maximizes the probability that every character trait will blossom at the highest motivational level.

In keeping with the intent of Philippians 4:8, you can use the chart above and the list below to recognize and encourage positive character traits in your children.

Because of the natural affinity between personality types and character traits, it will be easier for children to develop certain character traits than others. The traits linked to their gift dimension will come easiest, while those at the opposite end of their gift spectrum will develop only after reaching a certain level of spiritual maturity. For example, a Ruler with a strong gift of prophecy will not, in most cases, initially have a highly developed sense of mercy. Parents should tailor their expectations and teaching strategies accordingly.

To help you identify your child's present character traits and to target traits for development, we have listed some important traits.

Accepting; Adaptable

Benevolent

Calm; Careful; Cautious; Committed; Concerned; Confident; Considerate; Consistent; Content; Cooperative; Courageous

Decisive; Dependable; Determined; Diligent; Discerning; Discreet

Efficient; Ethical

Fair; Faithful; Fearful; Flexible; Forgiving

Generous

Honest; Humble

Insightful

Optimistic

Joyful

Kind

Loyal

Merciful

Observant

Patient; Persuasive; Prudent; Punctual; Purposeful

Reliable; Resourceful; Respectful

Secure; Self-Controlled; Self-Motivated; Serving; Sincere; Submissive

Tactful; Thankful; Thorough; Thrifty; Tolerant; Truthful

Virtuous

Wise

Based on your observations, concentrate on developing character traits that come naturally to the child. For example, a Promoter child with the character trait of friendliness might be taught to expand that quality to become sociable or cooperative. This is a natural progression, for friendliness functions as a seed trait of both sociability and cooperation.

Teach your child to raise the motivational levels of their character traits. Insure that your child is manifesting character traits from each category of character qualities. Help more mature children develop traits not closely linked to their gift continuum (e.g., mercy for a Ruler). Try to create a balance between Workmanship, Self-Control, Relationship, and Restoration qualities.

Making It Work:

• Play a board game with your family. Throughout the game, point our positive character traits to motivate them to continue best practices.

Key Scripture: "And Moses called all Israel, and said unto them, Hear, O Israel, the statutes and judgments which I speak in your ears this day, that ye may learn them, and keep, and do them" (Deut. 5:1 KJV, emphasis added).

Key Words: Hearing, Learning, Keeping, Doing, Internalization

The Biblical Program for Character Development

We have said that "virtues are caught, not taught." Parents develop certain character traits in their children whether or not they consciously choose to. Yet real discipleship - which involves character development - does not occur spontaneously. It happens only if parents set out to make it happen. How then do we intentionally foster character development in our children?

Moses' address to the Israelites in Deuteronomy 5:1 contains the four stages that occur in genuine understanding: hearing, learning, keeping, and doing. In the remainder of our lesson we will discuss how to encourage character growth in children in these four ways.

Hearing

After you have identified a character trait your child needs to develop, talk to them about it. Define the trait for them. Tell them, for example, what "obedience" is. Give them practical examples of what obedience means. Help your child understand the importance of obedience by looking at biblical examples.

DO NOT assume that because you have taught your child about obedience that they will instantly become obedient! The wisdom of Moses' message is that hearing is not the equivalent of full understanding - only the beginning. We all must go through a process of remembering, practicing, and evaluating what we have learned before we finally pass to complete understanding. Parents can facilitate this process by structuring situations in which obedience is required and then using that situation as a teaching device.

Remember to build self-esteem in your child by praising them for those character qualities they already have. Talk to them about these qualities. Explain what they are, why they are important, and what God has to say about them. Affirm that you are proud of your child because they are acting as God would desire. When teaching a young child, avoid abstract definitions of character qualities. To define "initiative," recall the time they cleaned up their room without being asked. Such behavioral examples allow maximum communication with the child.

Learning

The key to the learning stage of understanding is repetition. The instruction given in the hearing stage should be given many times. After this, ask your child to repeat definitions, to give examples of the character quality being studied, and to explain its meaning from practical and biblical standpoints. In this way the child acquires familiarity with the virtue being taught. They begin to "own" it, and it begins to become part of them. The process of internalization thus occurs.

Keeping

In medieval terminology the "keep" was the central part of the castle, the heart of the fortress where the valuables would be brought if the castle was under siege. The Hebrew word for "keep" in Deuteronomy 5:1 also has the connotation of protection: it means to preserve or surround with a protective hedge. Both word pictures tell us figuratively what it means to have internalized a value or idea. The child who has learned to keep a virtue or character quality is beginning to recognize its innate value. They are realizing that the virtue is agreeable, good, and admirable in and of itself.

Doing

Parents can help a child reach this level of understanding by teaching the tangible benefits that accompany positive character qualities. For a Level 1 child, such teaching consists mainly of showing them that good behavior is rewarded and bad behavior is punished. At Level 2, express approval when the child manifests positive character traits. This will powerfully reinforce such behavior and encourage a Level 2 child to continue growing in that area. At Level 3, the child does what is right just because it is right. Let a Level 3 child know that by acting conscientiously, they help their family, peer group, school, and church. Let them know they are bringing honor to themselves and those around them, and that they are valued members of the family. A Level 4 child needs reassurance that their choices are, in fact, the right choices. They want assurance that they are acting unselfishly and in the best interest of others. Discuss the finer examples of moral issues, and give them the benefit of your maturity, wisdom, and insight.

With love, nurture, and godly instruction, a child passes from the stage of imitating virtue to avoid punishment to that of recognizing that "virtue is its own reward." At that level their character reflects a familiarity with the One who is the source of all virtue.

Making It Work:

• Identify the character qualities that you want to develop in each of your children. (Use the methods and the chart given in the previous lesson.) Look them up (or have your child look them up) in a dictionary, and write out a one sentence definition on a 3-by-5 inch card. Use your Bible to find a scripture that illustrates this quality. Utilize these tools at the hearing and learning stages of character development.

Key Scripture: "Love your neighbor as yourself" (Matt. 19:19).

Key Words: Self-Esteem, Self-Fulfilling Prophecy

The Biblical Foundation of Self-Esteem

To many, the very phrase self-esteem has a suspicious ring. Morality and objective values have been widely scrapped, and replaced by self-serving "value judgments" and "alternative lifestyles." Culturally, it seemed we knew the price of everything and the value of nothing. As a consequence, we were made poor by our wealth and bored by our leisure.

Does this mean that the "self" is something to be repudiated and despised? No, from the Christian point of view humanity has great dignity. We are created in the image of God, and made for fellowship with our Creator and with each other. From this we see that we are worthy to give and to receive love (John 13:34). That Christ died to redeem us shows that we are of inestimable value to an infinite God (Rom. 8:32). To malign or belittle humanity is an affront to the Creator who intended us to be his regents in the created order.

Authentic, Christian self-esteem centers in the love of one's true good - of truth, virtue, beauty, and of the redeeming love of Christ. We fall into non-biblical self-esteem when we cease to see that our personal value is rooted in our relationship to God. If we clutch at this goodness as if it were a natural attribute, we "suppress the truth in unrighteousness" (Rom. 1:18 NASB) and come to worship "the creature rather than the Creator" (Rom. 1:25 NASB). Then man alone becomes the measure of all things - a false measure.

The cure for false self-esteem is not self-contempt (which can easily become a sort of pride), but faith in God. We are God's children (1 John 3:1). As such, we are a "new creation" (2 Cor. 5:17) and, like the original creation, are "very good" (Gen. 1:31).

The Bible is a trustworthy foundation upon which we can base true self-esteem: The Creator of the universe knows and loves us intimately and personally (Ps. 139:13-16). God cares about our needs and anxieties (Luke 12:22-24; 1 Peter 5:7). He is willing and able to turn our failures and liabilities into victories (Rom. 8:28). And his love is all-powerful and unconditional, stretching into a future eternity of ever increasing familiarity and fulfillment (Rev. 21:1-4). What greater and more comforting truth could we communicate to our children?

How do we teach the Biblical foundation of self-esteem to our children? Actions speak louder than words, particularly to young minds. Their sense of self-worth comes, at first, from outside them. Their conception of what God is like is mediated through their parents. It is therefore important that parents - like God - give their children the love that produces healthy self-esteem.

The Importance of Self-Esteem

Young children feel that their parents are just, all-knowing, and all-powerful. They expectantly wait for them to pass judgment on everything they do. When a child tries to tie their shoe for the first time, and makes a lopsided loop, they are thrilled and proud of their hard-earned accomplishment. But when the parent says, "is that the best you can do?," the child is not encouraged to try again. They have, in fact, learned that their best is not good enough.

"Aren't you ashamed of yourself?" "Don't you know any better?" "When are you going to grow up?" "What's wrong with you?" and "That was really dumb!" are examples of thoughtless parental barbs that wound the tender spirit of a child. Worse than that, they cause the child to think: "I can't do anything right," "I'm stupid," or "There must be something wrong with me." Children who are abrasively scolded-"Don't do this; Don't do that"-may feel "bad" for even wanting to play. Later in life, they may feel guilty whenever they begin to enjoy themselves.

Children who think they are bad may find it difficult to accept love or forgiveness, even from God. They may feel: "God won't answer my prayers because I'm bad" or "I can never do anything right, so why try." Delinquent teens are often those who have concluded, "I'll never be good enough, so I might as well be bad." The epidemic of teen suicide is tragic evidence of the damage caused by the lack of self-esteem. Many precious children have died because they were convinced "no one could possibly love me."

The above-mentioned messages to children are self-fulfilling prophecies. Children who think they are "bad," "stupid," "silly," or "ugly" will live up to that image. Once the pattern is set, they continue to accumulate evidence of their inferiority. Critical peers are more than happy to reinforce this. Parents who are overachievers and offer too much "constructive criticism" can be equally damaging.

However, the good news is that children who receive love, attention, and affirmation from their parents become healthy and well-adjusted. Self-fulfilling prophecies work in a positive as well as a negative way. Children who understand the love of God and feel valued act as if they are valuable. These happy children have developed self-esteem.

Making It Work:

• Discuss these questions with your spouse:
  • Is your child well-grounded in the character qualities that serve as the prerequisites to entering that motivational level?
  • What is your present strategy to increase your child's self-esteem?
  • How can you help your child make the transition to the next motivational level?
  • Do you communicate with your child in a way that enhances their self-esteem?
  • Does your child understand their worth in terms of the love of Christ?