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Christian Living

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General Bible Courses > Living by the Book > Marriage by the Book

Chapter 3: Celebrating Your Differences

Celebrate Your Differences

Key Scripture: "We have different gifts, according to the grace given us " (Rom. 12:6).

Eve: "Your logic leaves me cold.
Your analysis leaves me shaken."

Adam: "Well, your moods leave me dry,
Inadequate and forsaken."

There are seven major differences between most men and women:
(1) thinking, (2) orientation, (3) reaching goals, (4) receiving knowledge, (5) physical strength, (6) feelings, and (7) concept of time. Since these are stereotypes, there are always exceptions.

Eve may consider her husband Adam cold and unfeeling while he perceives himself as logical. Adam’s work means everything to him; but Eve’s relationships are dear to her heart, for she really cares about people. That characteristic allows Eve to enjoy building her home and family. Adam’s eyes are ever on the finished product; he longs for the day when the children are grown. Then he and Eve can do the traveling they have always talked about. He has logically planned their lives step-by-step, which makes it difficult for Adam to relate to Eve’s intuition. She has an uncanny sixth sense, which "tunes in " to the people around her. Eve seems to know things without being told or using logic.

Eve’s physical weakness sometimes makes her feel inferior to Adam. She would like to move the furniture around more often, but she must ask him for help. Because Eve seems to look to him for everything, Adam sometimes feels a little inadequate. He knows it is impossible to meet all her needs. And Eve often becomes depressed, probably due to her hormonal swings every month and her tendency to dwell on the past. Because she can focus on the present and the past at the same time, Eve may be comparing her present situation to some past failure. Adam focuses only on the present, or the present and the future. Therefore, Eve has a hard time understanding why Adam cannot remember hurting her feelings just yesterday.

Adam'’s work goals are constantly on his mind. He dislikes spending time on unnecessary delays. Adam would like to eat breakfast, listen to the news, and read the newspaper at the same time. But there is Eve sitting across from him—who wants to talk! And about what? The neighbor’s new baby, the weather, the plumbing, new shoes for the children, and a recent conversation with his mother-in-law. He would much rather hear what a great job he did in building the fence in the backyard.

From birth, the left side of the brain controls most little boys. While still in the womb, males are bathed in two chemicals that deteriorate the fibers connecting the left and right brain. This does not adversely affect either side of the brain. It does, however, prevent males from using both sides of the brain at once as most females easily do.

Because Adam is motivated by the left side of his brain, he is very interested in winning and conquering. His intention is to overcome every obstacle as soon as possible. On a trip he wants to go directly from Point A to Point B. So each time Eve and the children want to stop, his frustration level rises.

Many marriage problems arise from this distinction: left-brained men tend to look for "just the facts "; right-brained women are more emotionally geared and care-oriented. Women love savoring the moment. The roses along the way are to be touched, smelled, admired, and remembered. On a trip, Eve enjoys the scenery, sunsets, the picnic, and the people she meets along the way.

A woman notices things that are insignificant to her mate. Eve enjoys preparing a delicious dinner for a special occasion. She places the candles in just the right spot for the best effect. Her heart leaps as she sees the candlelight dancing on a water goblet. Poor unsuspecting Adam comes in and "wolfs down " his dinner, so he can get back to the work he has brought home. He does not comprehend the hurt look on her face.

Men do get emotional, and women are often logical (sometimes far more than men). Eighty-six percent of the world-class musicians and artists are left-handed (controlled by the right side of the brain). In fact, left-handed men are generally more right-brained than most women. How is that for a major difference?

Opposites

Aside from the obvious, you and your mate are still extremely different. In the first flush of romance, you were willing to put up with a lot of differences. Since you only had to deal with them occasionally, you probably found them extremely interesting. Before the wedding, neither of you could do anything wrong. (Love is certainly blind!) You were such a handsome couple—Prince Charming and Cinderella— with wonderful plans for living happily ever after. No one but her mother knew that she could only cook spaghetti. No one but his mother knew that her finicky son hated spaghetti.

Wife, remember how attracted you were to his athletic body and caring ways? Little did you realize how much time he spent at the gym to develop those biceps. You also discovered that he has memory lapses now that you are married. He cannot remember your birthday...or how to open a door for you.

And, Husband, you were so attracted to her sweet quiet ways and honey blonde hair. It was obvious she adored you, and she would be the perfect wife and mother. But suddenly, right after the honeymoon, she disappeared. Instead of the perfect mate, you now have an irritable brunette living in your home. The question echoes in your brain, "Where is that sweet young girl I married? "

As time passes, those endearing qualities once so attractive can actually drive the two of you apart. But it is not really the differences that cause problems; it is the handling of them (Eccl. 8:6). Some problem-solving steps follow: First, the difference must be recognized and then admitted. If ignored or suppressed, a problem will only get worse. Once the two of you acknowledge the problem, your next step is to decide what can be changed. Realizing that some things cannot change, you must be willing to live with some differences. Such adaptation is an important step toward change. Finally, when you can see your differences as an enrichment to your relationship, you have turned a problem into a triumph. "As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another" (Prov. 27:17).

Life Application: When you and your spouse were dating, what characteristics did you most admire? Did his or her different ways of doing things, saying things, or thinking about things attract you or repel you at first? Have you learned to appreciate those differences, or have they become stumbling blocks?

Headship

Key Scripture: "Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior " (Eph. 5:22-23).

Paul, writing to the Ephesian women, urged them to submit to their husbands in the same way they submitted to the Lord himself. Their husbands were to function as their head, in the same manner as Christ is head of the Church. But as head, Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. Paul then exhorted the husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church (Eph. 5:25-33). Christ’s headship love is revealed in several different ways.


• Sacrificial. "Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends " (John 15:13).
• Sanctifying. "But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God " (1 Cor. 6:11).
• Nourishing. "The lips of the righteous nourish many " (Prov. 10:21).
• Caring. "Be shepherds of God’s flock that is under your care, serving as overseers . . . not lording it over those entrusted to you, but being examples to the flock " (1 Peter 5:2-3).
• Unifying. "May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me " (John 17:23).
• Protective. "May your love and your truth always protect me " (Ps. 40:11).

The mantle of loving protection that a Christian husband provides for his wife and children characterizes his role of headship. God commands that every husband give himself up for his wife—dying to selfishness, ego, and all other rights. The husband who follows Christ’s example is rooted and grounded in God’s love; he has built his house on the Rock; he walks in obedience; and he humbly and generously puts his wife’s needs and interests even before his own. The husband is called to be a loving leader (Eph. 5:25), provider (1 Tim. 5:8), and protector (1 Peter 3:7).

Spiritual authority is a concept frequently misunderstood and misused in the church today. Headship does not mean that men are head over all women. A man is head over his own wife only. The difference in roles does not mean primary or secondary—or superior and inferior—roles. Total dependence of the wife on her husband is never God’s aim in headship. The husband is not to be the exclusive decision-maker; neither is he always right when the couple disagrees. However, if (even after much prayer) a couple is hopelessly deadlocked over an issue, the husband as the spiritual leader is responsible for making the decision and carrying its consequences.

Head of the Home

The same scripture that describes a model elder in the church (1 Tim. 3:2-4) also gives the characteristics of a good and loving head of the home. He is a leader; reputable; faithful; temperate; self-controlled; respectable; hospitable; a model; sober; gentle; peaceable; a good manager; considerate; and a kind, but just, disciplinarian to his children.

God has given two functions to the husband. He is to bring God to his family and to bring his family to God. As part of this responsibility, he and his wife should plan regular family devotions. In addition, husbands and wives should pray with and for their children every day. After the children are asleep, parents can pray over them for protection during the night, asking God to heal the hurts they may have suffered during the day. God promises that "the prayer of a righteous man (and woman) is powerful and effective" (James 5:16).

Failure to Lead

A Christian husband who surrenders his God-given headship is disobeying God. "Now I want you to realize that the head of every man is Christ, and the head of the woman is man, and the head of Christ is God " (1 Cor. 11:3) The purpose of headship is for the husband to be a blessing to his wife and children. He has been called to lead and not to abandon her as Adam did when Eve was deceived in the garden (Gen. 3:12).

There are several reasons why husbands fail to lead their wives according to biblical precepts. Some of the most common reasons are:


• They are too busy.
• They are afraid their wives won’t follow.
• They are hiding their own sin.
• They don’t see the need.
• They are trying to escape.
• They do not understand how to lead.

It was not God'’s plan for man to either abdicate his authority or abuse it. Instead, a husband is to be a covering for his wife, loving her and protecting her from harm.

As a man totally surrenders to Christ, he is able to lead as God intended. "If it is serving, let him serve...if it is leadership, let him govern diligently; if it is showing mercy, let him do it cheerfully " (Rom. 12:7-8)

Life Application: Ephesians 5:22-33 presents the blueprint for a successful marriage. As a couple, go over this passage several times this week. Each of you should write down how it applies to your marital role. What does each instruction mean to you personally and practically? Describe the changes you need to make in your lifestyle to live up to Paul'’s instructions.

 

Mutual Submission

Key Scripture: "Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped" (Phil. 2:6).

God created humanity in his image—both male and female (Gen. 1:27). He blessed the two and gave them dominion over all the earth (Gen. 1:28-29). Thus, Adam and Eve began life as a team. In the divine order before the Fall, both walked and spoke with God. Created to complement and supplement each other, they were equally loved and blessed by God. It was only after the Fall that the question of dominance arose.

Many believe that because Eve influenced Adam to sin, her curse was to be in submission to him. Others suggest that Adam’s fault was the greater because he had been responsible for Eve. Whatever the case, domination was not God’'s divine purpose. It is, however, the way of fallen man to try to dominate fallen woman.

Christ came to restore man and woman to the glory they had known before the Fall: "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" (2 Cor. 5:17).

There are two kinds of submission—an inferior to a superior (Col. 4:1) and one equal to another (John 14:28). Nowhere does the Bible state that Adam was superior and Eve inferior. The differences in their roles did not indicate primary and secondary positions.

Headship and submission go hand-in-hand. These concepts are practiced by two partners equal under Christ. Each spouse has a specific purpose given by the Lord. The husband is to honor, protect, and lead his wife and family (Eph. 5:25-28). The wife is to honor and follow her husband’s direction under the headship of Christ (Eph. 5:22-24). A family in which God has the last word is living in divine order—the husband is devout, the wife is contented, and the children are blessed.

Failure to Submit

Both men and women have been given the mission of submission. This was God'’s original design for living a committed life under his authority. Adam and Eve were meant to learn God'’s ways and then to follow his instruction. Submission was first an attitude toward God and then an act of obedience to him (1 Peter 2:17-22). But Adam and Eve - —first in attitude and then in action—rebelled against God’s authority (Gen. 3:6). Fallen humanity has been in rebellion ever since.

A man who uses the Bible as a weapon against his wife is in direct disobedience to God. The husband in the role of a dictator was not part of God’s plan. Yet a Christian man may construe submission as a feminine trait. And if he falls for such deception, he will continue to browbeat his wife into submitting. The two of them can never have a fulfilling marriage as long as the husband considers his wife to be inferior to him. The dictator is unhappy, and his wife is miserable.

A modern woman has been brought up to be strong and independent. She may not want to live under the restraints of submission where she sees herself as an extension of her husband. To her, submission represents intellectual suicide, for she can no longer freely express herself. A wife may not understand what true submission is, for it is often equated with weakness. As a result, a very strong-willed woman may take over the "reins" of the marriage entirely. She may disobey God out of pride or of fear that her husband cannot or will not lead properly.

When a husband and wife function in their God-given roles, they work together as an efficient team. A husband, by his total submission to Christ, can take his rightful place in headship over his wife. He focuses on fulfilling her heart’s desire, not his own. He honors and respects her as the weaker vessel (1 Peter 3:7).

The wife who is obedient to God’s authority structure in marriage responds to her husband’s agape love. Her willingness to serve in practical ways shows reverence for the Lord and submission to her husband (1 Peter 3:5-6). By their mutual submission to Christ, the two can grow in a godly marriage that will be admired by all. "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ" (Eph. 5:21).

The Christian Wife

A Christian wife is truly an amazing individual. She is a wife, mother, lover, confidante, best friend, homemaker, helpmate, companion...and that is only the beginning! That may sound exhausting, and it would be if she tried to fill each role separately. But a woman who fears the Lord and walks in his love allows him to integrate all of these characteristics into her personality.
It is true that some days she must "put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity " (Col. 3:14). For she has already learned that love is an action, not a feeling. Some days she will have to act out love when there is no feeling. Agape love comes only through obedience to God’s Word: "We should love one another " (1 John 3:11). Her heart attitude and subsequent actions determine the success or failure of her home and husband. "A wife of noble character is her husband’'s crown, but a disgraceful wife is like decay in his bones" (Prov. 12:4).

The woman in Proverbs 31 is a model for Christian women today. As a weaver, cook, vintner, merchant, seamstress, trader, financial manager, and mother, she is the ideal woman. The International Bible Commentary (IBC) states that this passage is "clearly about a woman of position and ability in her own right. She has a large household, ample means..." (p. 189). If you had her servants and financial resources, you could probably be as incredible as that lady. So don'’t feel guilty for being unable to accomplish everything she did. God does not require that you copy her, but he does call you to walk in obedience to him. Then your husband will praise you, and your children will call you blessed (v. 28).

Life Application: What is your understanding of the biblical teaching on the husband-wife relationship? Does it follow the traditional or partnership model, or perhaps combine elements of the two? Study the scriptures on headship and submission as a couple. Then work out your role relationships in the context of your own personality needs.

Marital Sex

Key Scripture: "Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure" (Heb. 13:4).

Sex is one of the most precious gifts given to humanity. God created us as sexual beings (Gen. 1:27) and then ordained sex (v. 28). Since we were made in the image of God (v. 27), he has allowed us to "create" through reproducing our own kind. In addition, God made sex for our pleasure. "May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth" (Prov. 5:18).

God mandated sex before the Fall (Gen. 2:24). This fact disputes the belief that sex is a consequence of sin or merely an accommodation to our sinful nature. Sex was part of God’s perfect plan from the beginning. His original design included the bonding of a husband and wife—physically, emotionally, and spiritually. God intended that sex between a husband and wife would be deeply fulfilling—a passionate intimacy making two different people "one" for a lifetime.

The Bible addresses the pleasurable aspects of marital sex in both the Old and New Testaments: "For I am faint with love. His left arm is under my head, and his right arm embraces me" (Song of Solomon 2:5-6). Paul similarly emphasizes the importance of intercourse: "The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife'’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’'s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control" (1 Cor. 7:3-5). The word "duty" suggests the mutual paying of a debt. The IBC suggests that the import of this passage is that "procreation is not the sole purpose of intercourse. ‘Come together again’ is suggestive of something far more frequent, regular and intimate" (p. 1361).

Sex has the power to lift you to the pinnacles or cast you into the pits. Even though the sex act itself lasts only a short time, its effects are far-reaching. The climate in the bedroom sets the tone for the rest of the marriage. Intimacy affects every part of a couple’s life. And every other part of their lives affects their capacity to enjoy intimacy.

Sexual fulfillment in marriage builds self-esteem, provides a sense of well-being, adds joy, and gives confidence in other areas of life. On the other hand, sexual frustration negatively affects every other area of life. Bitterness, sarcasm, nagging, complaining, embarrassment, contention, and sometimes even abuse may be outgrowths of sexual frustration.

Sexual Dysfunction

A great barrier to sexual fulfillment in a marriage is sexual dysfunction in one of the partners. Physical disorders, such as certain diseases, injuries, or hormonal deficiencies, may interfere with sexual functioning. But the majority of these problems have psychological roots. The causes of sexual dysfunction are many. Long-term stress as well as anxiety over performance can contribute to lowered sexual drive and response.

Impotence is a common problem experienced by most married men at one time or another. But if it happens several times, the man may become anxious, which further complicates the problem. Premature ejaculation is the most frequent complaint of men who undergo counseling for sexual problems.

Female sexual dysfunction involves both a lack of sexual feelings and of physical response. It usually results when a woman has a negative view of sex. Vaginismus occurs when the muscles around the vaginal opening contract spasmodically, which prevents intercourse. This condition may result from a traumatic experience such as rape.

Problems in the marriage itself can bring about sexual dysfunction. Six common areas of psychological sexual dysfunction are:


• Transferences. It is common to transfer feelings about one person to another person.
• Lack of trust. When trust is broken, emotional intimacy is destroyed, and physical intimacy is affected.
• Struggle for dominance. One partner may not respond sexually to the other, unconsciously seeking revenge or concessions.
• Contractual disappointments. A partner is disappointed because he or she has expected something totally different than the mate.
• Sexual sabotage. One partner demands sex at an inappropriate time or manner.
• Communication failure. The spouse cannot know what is arousing or annoying unless he or she is told.

It is God'’s desire that the two partners are healthy and whole, and able to enjoy each other fully.

Intimacy

Picture a well-trained two-person rowing team. They both have the same goal and desire—to win. Their handling of the oars is amazing. As each team member works in perfect tandem with the other, an onlooker would think his or her very muscles were synchronized. The rowers know that the success of their team depends on two things. First, each must perform to the best of his or her ability (and sometimes beyond); and second, they must be in complete unity and never at cross-purposes. Defeat would follow quickly if the two disagreed on either their goal or purpose. And complete chaos would come about the minute one tried to become "chief " and demand that everything be done his or her way.

Intimacy in marriage is likewise a team effort. While the secret to real intimacy is teamwork, many people get married with the thought— "How can you make me happy?" Then pleasing "self " becomes the goal, and precious intimacy is lost. Real intimacy means getting to know everything about your spouse and sharing everything about yourself. You share secret looks, messages, inside jokes, etc. Moreover, you yourself will really listen and feel the joy or pain that your spouse has at the moment. Each little pat, hug, and loving word will come straight from a heart that desires to please. These are especially dear to a woman, who requires a deeper form of emotional intimacy than her husband.

Good sexual communication is absolutely essential for marital sex to thrive. Even so, the end of marriage is not sex but love. Marital love should be directed first toward God and then to each other, for "a cord of three strands is not quickly broken " (Eccl. 4:12).

Life Application: Think about your attitude toward sex when you were first married. What factors shaped that attitude? What is your attitude toward sex now? If it has changed, what has brought about that change? In what ways has the Bible given you clear direction about sex in marriage? Given the lesson material, what changes in attitude or practice do you need to make? Lovingly discuss any such changes with your spouse.

Take the quiz

Quiz Instructions

Test your knowledge by taking this short quiz which covers what you just read. Select the correct response based on the lessons and concepts.

1. __________ usually enjoy the process of reaching a goal more than the goal itself.

Men

Women

2. Habits may be divided into three areas: hygiene, __________ , and sleep.

Diet

Relationships

3. The desire for close relationship is found in the __________ side of the brain.

Left

Right

4. The two best measures of people's values are how they spend their money and time.

True

False

5. __________ is a product of both heredity and environment.

Love

Heredity

6. __________ is an attitude of love that wants to cooperate.

Submission

Kindness

7. The Bible gives the husband the right to tell his wife to sin.

True

False

8. God's goal in headship and submission is to make an efficient __________.

Partnership

Goal

9. Jesus __________ rather than dictated to those under his authority.

Followed

Served

10. The traditional view of headship holds that the __________ has the last word in family decisions.

Husband

Wife

11. Proverbs 31 describes a/an __________ woman.

Housewife

Ideal

12. The __________ view of headship notes that both men and women are treated equally in Genesis.

Partnership

Family

13. In his first epistle Peter encourages women to be as concerned with their personhood as with their __________.

Career

Appearance

14. Couples generally establish their pattern of relating during the first 18 months of marriage.

True

False

15. Sex in marriage is God-sanctioned and God- __________.

Ordained

Made

16. Sexual dysfunction may result from __________ or physical causes.

Past

Psychological

17. Sex is not a consequence of sin.

True

False

18. Emotional intimacy is intricately related to __________ intimacy.

Physical

Verbal

19. The failure to __________ about sex is probably the biggest problem area in marriage.

Communicate

Read

20. The two levels of communication are verbal and __________.

Carnal

Nonverbal

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