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General Bible Courses > Living by the Book > Marriage by the Book

Chapter 4: Communication, Work, and Money

Communicate! Communicate!

Key Scripture: "Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing" (Prov. 12:18).


"The spoken word is a powerful thing;
It can soothe and heal, or cut and sting.
Words hastily spoken go straight to the heart;
They prick, then cut—slowly tear it apart.
But words lovingly spoken go to that same place,
Soothing all hurts, they reflect on the face. "

The Tongue

God spoke and a universe was formed (Gen. 1:1 ff.), and by his word all of creation is sustained (Heb. 1:3). With power flowing from his own lips, God created language, so humanity could communicate ideas and praise their Creator. He designed words to be used for blessing, directing, and communing. Redeemed man can still use words in many of the same ways Jesus did—to heal, to lead into faith, and to fight off Satan. "Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God " (Eph. 6:17).

Satan, the author of confusion and lies, was the first to pervert language. "Did God really say, ‘You must not eat from any tree in the garden’? " (Gen. 3:1). This gift, which God had so thoughtfully and lovingly given, was now used against him. As long as the hearts of Adam and Eve were pure, their words remained the same way. But after sin entered, their words reflected their lost condition. Humanity now has both creative and destructive power in the tongue. "He who guards his lips guards his life, but he who speaks rashly will come to ruin " (Prov. 13:3).

Death as well as life is in the tongue (Prov. 18:21). Nobody has escaped the teasing, insults, and barbs that accompany growing up. They are especially hurtful when they come from someone you care about. Husbands or wives sometimes tag their children (or each other) with nicknames that may seem "cute." Hurting words burrow down under the skin like chiggers - —out of sight but not unfelt. It is no wonder that so many people, even Christians, suffer from low self-esteem. "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen " (Eph. 4:29).

Christians who would not consider committing murder or adultery do not think twice about sinning with their tongues—gossip, sarcasm, slander, criticism, grumbling, lies, and half-truths. However, James describes the tongue as a hellish fire and deadly evil, full of poison (3:6, 8). He continues, "With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God’s likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing" (vv. 9-10). So choose your words carefully, for they have great power in their effect. "He who guards his mouth and his tongue keeps himself from calamity" (Prov. 21:23).

Listening

Being an attentive listener is a priceless gift you can give to your spouse, because listening is crucial to your relationship. Few people realize that listening requires active participation. Therefore, one of the major causes of communication breakdown is the failure to listen.

Effective listening skills can easily be developed. The following lists will help you become a great listener. If you practice the "Do" list, the "Avoid" list will be taken care of.


Do...
• Speak encouraging and uplifting words.
• Use non-threatening "I feel..." statements.
• Dwell on your future together.
• Focus your discussion; settle the central issue first.
• Dig deeper for hidden messages.
• Wait patiently for your spouse to finish speaking.
• Turn off the television; give your full attention to the conversation.
• Listen attentively, looking interested.
• Process what you have heard; be objective.
• Speak in a calm, moderate tone.

Avoid...
• Using sarcasm or making fun of your spouse.
• Accusing with "You always..." statements.
• Reminding your partner of past mistakes.
• Discussing too many problems at once.
• Hearing spoken words only.
• Interrupting or anticipating your next answer.
• Distractions of other people, television, and noise.
• Controlling by talking too much.
• Blaming and failing to take responsibility.
• Shouting, cursing and getting out of control.

There may be a time when you cannot listen, so it is important that you both agree on a time and place to discuss the matter. By practicing these skills, you will greatly improve communication with your spouse, and your marriage will be delightfully enriched.

Communication

A lack of communication has been named as one of the primary reasons for divorce in this country. If that is true, then good communication must be a primary reason for successful marriages. Those of you interested in preserving your marriage should make communication work for you.

Note these suggestions distilled from the reading in Marriage Plus:


• Decide you will communicate.
• Men, allow your wife to share "details" with you.
• Women, draw your uncommunicative husband out by asking pertinent questions.
• If your spouse is telling a story, do not interrupt or contradict.
• Do not avoid talking about a debatable subject.
• When discussing a serious matter, make sure the timing and setting are right.

A husband may make the tragic mistake of believing (or at least trying to convince his wife) that she is merely a silent partner. Likewise, some women may feel that the husband should keep silent. Neither view is biblical. There is "a time to be silent and a time to speak" (Eccl. 3:7).

While silence is often considered golden, there is a time when it can be deadly. Choking down anger, which cannot be expressed to a spouse, leaves the silent partner smoldering. He or she becomes totally incapacitated, nullifying any meaningful communication between the two of them. Pent-up emotions that are not verbalized build into a silence just waiting to erupt. The resulting explosion is usually disproportionate to the original offense. When a couple fights, nobody wins. Yet all disagreements do not have to become arguments. Settling a disagreement should be on the basis of what is right, not who is right!

Handling Conflict

In order for both partners to steer the marriage in the same direction, it is necessary for each to discuss their desires, dreams, and goals. Anything that is important to one should be important to the other. Problems crop up when the partners do not have compatible goals. "A house divided against itself will fall" (Luke 11:17).

Even with the same goals, a couple may suffer friction in their home. While the two are one in Christ, they each have very distinct personalities. This in itself is cause for conflict. But add the outside pressure of work and inside pressure of children, and you have the ingredients for a full-scale war. Quarrels break out in little skirmishes where angry words pierce like swords, often reopening old wounds.

"Starting a quarrel is like breaching a dam; so drop the matter before a dispute breaks out" (Prov. 17:14). A disagreement does not need to become an argument. This is a real challenge because of our fleshly nature. Try to solve the problem before it gets out of hand, since small fires are easier to extinguish than a four-alarm fire. Concentrate initially on the good things about your marriage; a positive attitude is invaluable. Then apply the following suggestions:


•Using proper timing is crucial. Do not raise controversial issues "just before" going to bed, having sex, leaving the house, or "just before" anything that will not allow adequate time to deal with the issue.

•Communicate by letting your spouse speak first. Then repeat what was said. Only after you both agree on what was said can the other spouse have his or her say.

•Stick to the issue. Discussing secondary issues hampers the resolution of the current conflict. Keep short accounts. Previous conflicts should have already been settled, forgiven, and forgotten.

•Fight fair. Unfair tactics include emotional outbursts, power traps, and withholding sex. Both partners lose in a "war."

•Compromise and negotiate. Aim at a solution or compromise in which each gets something, but not all.

The words of James should be the motto for all communication in a Christian marriage: "Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry" (1:19).

Life Application: Now is a good time to stop and reflect on the communication patterns between you and your spouse. Do each of you feel free to confide in each other as best friends? Do you share your ideas, hopes, and desires? Do you really hear what your spouse is saying (and feeling)? Sharpen your own listening skills, and you will see a great improvement in your relationship.

 

The Working Man

Key Scripture: "Then man goes out to his work, to his labor until evening" (Ps. 104:23).

"The Lord God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it" (Gen. 2:15). Work was not an afterthought with God; everything he created began with a plan. God gave Adam a pleasant and invigorating occupation, which was never meant to be wearisome. God meant for Adam’'s work to be a blessing— - to occupy his mind and strengthen his body.

After the Fall, Adam’s work changed drastically. No longer was it a blessing, but a curse. "Cursed is the ground because of you; through painful toil you will eat of it all the days of your life... By the sweat of your brow you will eat your food until you return to the ground, since from it you were taken" (Gen. 3:17, 19).

The Bible has much more to say about work. Part of man’s responsibility to God, his family, and his neighbors is to work. "Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business and to work with your hands, just as we told you, so that your daily life may win the respect of outsiders and so that you will not be dependent on anybody" (1 Thess. 4:11-12). A man'’s occupation becomes a platform for God’'s ministry. "And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him " (Col. 3:17). In addition, man'’s honest work is blessed. "May the favor of the Lord our God rest upon us; establish the work of our hands for us— - yes, establish the work of our hands " (Ps. 90:17).

A valued worker is one who works well in all situations. Most bosses are looking for an honest employee with a cheerful disposition. Filling these qualifications is a sure road to advancement with an employer and with God. A Christian worker should be open to the guidance of the Holy Spirit—ever ready to continue, cancel, or change directions. "Let the wise listen and add to their learning, and let the discerning get guidance" (Prov. 1:5). It is extremely important that Christians realize that their work is not in vain. "Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain" (1 Cor. 15:58).

As Man Sees It

Because of man’'s fallen nature, his attitude toward work has become twisted. Two distorted views might be called the T.G.I.F. and the T.G.I.M. syndromes. In the first, the worker says, "Thank goodness it’'s Friday." He puts in his forty hours a week, receives a paycheck, and stays as uninvolved in his work as possible. Many are clock-watchers, making sure that the company does not get one minute of overtime. The second worker says, "Thank goodness it'’s Monday." He is the classic workaholic. If he does not stay late, he brings work home—frequently working on weekends. His work so consumes him that he has little time for anything else, including his family and his faith. His priorities - —God, wife, family, work— - have been thrown completely out of order.

Both views are unbiblical. But the Bible does give some excellent suggestions for workers in the book of Nehemiah. Often used as a guidebook for leaders, Nehemiah is also a practical checklist for Christian workers. Read the book of Nehemiah for more suggestions, since only a partial list appears below:


Nehemiah...

(1:4) Fasted and prayed. Do you pray for your job and coworkers?

(1:8) Remembered God’s promises. Do you recall God’s past faithfulness?

(1:11) Asked for favor with the king. Whose favor do you need?

(2:6) Made a timeline. Have you written your work goals?

(2:8) Depended on divine protection. Do you worry about losing your job?

(2:17) Inspected the wall. Do you frequently evaluate your own work?

(2:17) Inspired people. Are you encouraging to others?

(2:20) Counted on God for success. Have you tried to do your job under your own power?

(3:1-2) Divided the work. Have you divided your work into doable areas?

(3:1) Dedicated each portion. Is your work dedicated to the Lord?

(4:4-5) Persevered in spite of opposition. Do you keep working in the face of opposition?

(5:16) Devoted himself to work. Do you do your tasks wholeheartedly as unto the Lord?

Self-Esteem

Just as a woman IS her home and family, so a man IS his work. A man’s work is so much a part of him that his self-esteem often depends on the kind of work he does and how proficient he is at it. But a man who looks to God for his self-esteem will not be overcome by problems at work or devastated if he should lose his job. For God determines a person’s worth, irrespective of his work, family, or status.

After God created both Adam and Eve in his own image, he pronounced them as "very good" (Gen. 1:31). And who is man to dispute God? Yet Satan uses circumstances, people, and his own evil devices to chip away at your self-esteem until you feel worthless. Since you are a reflection of other people’s attitudes toward you, your self-esteem can be no higher than how the significant others in your life perceive you. For that reason, very few people enter a marriage with great self- esteem and confidence. Each person brings to the union a great deal of excess baggage, which should have been discarded years ago.

Many marriage problems arise out of the lack of self-esteem in one or both partners. If you believe that you picked a loser, then you are questioning your own ability to choose. To say that no one has ever loved you says more about your own emotional status than your spouse’s. And no cosmetic change (for example, losing weight, getting a face-lift) will make your spouse love you more, because you don’t love yourself. The result of low self-esteem is a feeling of hopelessness. And when you give up hope, you also give up any chance of happiness.

The world tells you that happiness comes from having a good job, power, physical beauty, social status, intelligence, and money. Therefore, if you perceive yourself as lacking one or more of these, your self-esteem decreases in proportion. In contrast, God declares you infinitely valuable. Since he has made you in his likeness and image and has given you eternal life, you are now in the process of becoming like him. So cooperate with your Creator and see yourself through his eyes. You can learn to accept, forgive, and love yourself because he has already shown the way and has given you the strength. "My grace is sufficient for you" (2 Cor. 12:9).

It is important that your spouse also realizes her worth in Christ. You, more than anyone else, can help to build her self-esteem. In your devotional times together, share scriptures that have ministered to you. During the day give emotional and physical hugs; affirm her often with honest compliments; and in thoughtful little acts show her that she is Number One on your priority list (after the Lord, of course). As you begin to pray consistently on her behalf, the Holy Spirit will give you creative ways to affirm her.

Life Application: Continue your reading of the book of Nehemiah to find other practical suggestions on committing your work to the Lord. List your observations, following the example in the Study Guide. What aspects of Nehemiah’'s character do you want to emulate in your work habits?

The Working Woman

Key Scripture: "She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night " (Prov. 31:18).

Marilyn stretched and yawned. Trying not to wake Tim, she slid out of bed and hurried to the kitchen. A few minutes later she tried to clear her fuzzy head with a cup of coffee. Marilyn picked up a little booklet from the counter and read the short devotional for the day. She smiled wryly as she pondered the scripture: "She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard " (Prov. 31:16). Marilyn’s thoughts wandered, "With both of us working, we can barely pay the mortgage and day care. But we do have a nice home and two cars... The kids have dancing and art classes... I have nice clothes... Guess I should be thankful for my job."

Marilyn is representative of millions of working mothers today. In 1999 approximately 60 percent of American mothers were employed outside the home. Compare that to only 18 percent in 1948. While some mothers have careers for the purpose of fulfillment, the majority work in order to meet present needs. Many in that group also work to save for future housing or retirement needs. Most couples feel that they cannot survive on one salary.

A detail often overlooked is the actual cost for a mother to work. According to the scale worked out by Malcolm MacGregor (reprinted in MP, p. 100), it actually costs some women to work. This well-known financial advisor points out that such households may therefore be "going in the hole." A wife working outside the home may also put a strain on the marriage relationship, thereby increasing the risk for divorce. For these reasons, a couple should carefully consider if the wife should be employed outside the home. "Houses and wealth are inherited from parents, but a prudent wife is from the Lord" (Prov. 19:14).

The Great Liberator

The great liberator of women was and is Jesus Christ. At a time when women were considered merely the property of their husbands, Jesus elevated them to a level of equality with men. Other major religions subjugate women, but true Christianity honors them. "There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus" (Gal. 3:28).

Jesus was certainly radical in his thinking and actions toward women. He showed tenderness and care for women as well as men. Jesus spoke with the Samaritan woman at the well, an action that puzzled his disciples who "were surprised to find him talking with a woman" (John 4:27). He offered this immoral and despised woman a transformed life for the present and eternal life for the future. He extended mercy and forgiveness to a woman caught in the act of adultery (John 8:11). While our Lord enjoyed a close friendship with Mary and Martha, his Jewish contemporaries prayed thanks to God that they were not born "a Gentile, a slave, or a woman!"

A woman should never feel of lesser status because God created her as a helper for man (Gen. 2:18). She alone has been chosen to complete him and bear his children. "In the Lord, however, woman is not independent of man, nor is man independent of woman" (1 Cor. 11:11). This biblical perspective transcends the modern woman’s need for liberation and replaces it with equal and caring love for both sexes. "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery" (Gal. 5:1).

Day Care

Remember the good old days when June Cleaver sent Ward off to work while she stayed home baking cookies for Wally and the Beaver? The Cleavers were the "average" American nuclear family—a husband, his wife, and two children. And the average woman’s place was in the home, looking after the children and keeping the home fires burning. The Cleavers lived well, had a nice home, and a car. Beaver’s only worry was how to get out of taking a bath; he never had to worry that his mother would not be at the door waiting when he came home from school.

In the 1950s, America idealized the nuclear family - —mostly through television. But the feminist movement of the 1960s and the economic recessions and inflation of the 1970s sent women into the work force in droves. All women in the work force today need some form of childcare. Most would like to find affordable day care that is of good quality. And Christian parents would especially like a caregiver who reflects their own values.

Many psychologists now agree that children fare much better when they can stay with their mothers at home. But often this is not possible, especially for single parents whose only option is day care. Anyone caught in this dilemma should pray, asking the Holy Spirit for guidance. No matter how much we love our children, Jesus loves them more. And he already has a caregiver in mind for you. "Whoever welcomes a little child like this in my name welcomes me" (Matt. 18:5).

Life Application: If you desire to stay home with your children, have you considered becoming a family day-care provider? The need is great, especially for Christian day care. You could pass on biblical values to your children as well as bless other children.

 

The Meaning of Money

Key Scripture: "For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil" (1 Tim. 6:10).

Marriage counselors report that the most frequently mentioned marital problem is money. Recent studies show that married couples quarrel over money more than anything else. Yet the conflict over money cannot be reduced to mere dollars and cents. Money, while defined as a "medium of exchange," has multiple meanings in a marriage?namely power, love, and status.

Everyone understands the power of money in society. Not everyone realizes how much power it wields within a marriage. A husband's power over his wife increases with his income. But the power balance is tipped when the wife goes to work and begins to contribute to the family's resources. In fact, employed women are more likely to share in major decisions (including financial) than a mother who stays home. Marital disputes, therefore, may not be over money at all, but over power.

The Bible recognizes the relationship between love and money. Jesus told a parable of a moneylender who had two debtors. One owed a mere pittance and the other a sizable amount. The lender forgave their debts; in essence, giving them the money. Jesus acknowledged that the one who was given the most would love the most. In a marriage, gifts are often equated with love. Therefore, the withholding of a present may be seen as a withholding of love.

Status is a place or position in a society with certain rights and duties. Income is the most important indicator of a person's status. The amount of their income is communicated to others through certain status symbols such as homes and cars. Disagreement within a marriage may occur when the couple's personal status needs differ. He may need a new car to prove his status; she may need new furniture.

All our negative perceptions of money fade into oblivion in light of biblical teaching. God owns everything (Ex. 19:5). Our material resources are given to us in trust, and we are merely stewards of what we possess. "Now it is required that those who have been given a trust must prove faithful" (1 Cor. 4:2).

God's Provision

Money has always been an extremely important aspect of society. Jesus acknowledged its importance by mentioning it in half of his parables. He said more about money than about heaven and hell combined. The biblical teaching on money is very practical, for it deals with such everyday matters as debt (Ps. 37:21), cosigning loans (Prov. 6:1-5), saving (Prov. 21:20), investing (Prov. 21:5), and inheritances (Num. 27:8-11). It also instructs us in giving to God and to others (1 Cor. 8:1-9:15).

Our material blessings are a gift from God. But they are not merely given for our personal benefit. They are a trust to be used for furthering his kingdom and benefiting his children. God's Word tells us that there are several important aspects to giving: attitude (2 Cor. 9:7), obedience (Mal. 3:10), values (Matt. 6:20-21), concern for others (2 Cor. 8:4), and maturity (2 Cor. 8:2-3).

Furthermore, God says more than a thousand times in the Bible that he wants his people to prosper. "And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work" (2 Cor. 9:8).

Life Application: Do you and your spouse need to resolve any differences about financial goals? Develop a financial plan that is in line with your shared goals and Scripture.

Take the quiz

Quiz Instructions

Test your knowledge by taking this short quiz which covers what you just read. Select the correct response based on the lessons and concepts.

1. __________ breakdown is the number one reason given for divorce.

Finances

Communication

2. Before making an important decision, a couple should __________ about it.

Pray

Think

3. __________ listening lets the person know that you have heard and understood.

Subjective

Reflective

4. Never raise controversial issues "just before" beginning other important activities.

True

False

5. Marriage is meant to be __________ rather than competitive.

Cooperative

Enjoyed

6. The job should come before his wife on a husband's list of priorities.

True

False

7. The "Thank goodness it's Friday" worker is often a __________.

Clock-watcher

Workaholic

8. A man's __________ is often related to what kind of job he does and the quality of his performance.

Self-Esteem

Pride

9. A husband is in the best position to build the self-esteem of his wife.

True

False

10. The book of __________ offers practical guidelines for Christian workers.

Acts

Nehemiah

11. A working mother may feel she is holding three jobs: mother, __________, and her outside job.

Homemaker

Wife

12. Jewish men thanked God they were not a Gentile, slave, or __________.

Woman

Diseased

13. __________ is the great liberator of women.

Man

Jesus Christ

14. A study of five- to eight-year-olds showed that day care over a long period causes __________ harm.

Physical

Psychological

15. Cars, houses, and clothes are often used as __________ symbols.

Status

Prestige

16. Parents sometimes control their children with money.

True

False

17. The __________ is often a good starting point for stewardship.

Offering

Tithe

18. Half of Jesus' __________ in the Gospels deal with possessions and money.

Preachings

Parables

19. The Bible's basic concern is with our __________ toward money.

Attitude

Management

20. An indicator of our __________ condition is our use of money.

Spiritual

Financial

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